Letter to Myself (2015)

Hey Quarantined Community, 

It's been a month of the shelter-in-place order in Illinois, and I have to say, this new lifestyle almost feels like the norm. I log-on to start work-from-home around 8:30-9am for the morning team huddle at 9:30. No more 6am alarms or worrying about the weather delaying my 1.5 hour commute to work.. Teams and Skype meetings are the default, and I never need to rush to make gym classes after logging off. 

It's the "norm," but it also isn't. My sleep schedule is absolute shit, I don't do full workouts the way I started building the habit for, and my motivation rides a ridiculous sine wave. While I bullet journal to help maintain some perspective and track habits.. It's still hard. 

I realize I took many aspects of my pre-pandemic life for granted, and there are days I have nothing better to do than to over-reflect and worry. I have so much I am grateful for, but my brain battles between constructive thinking and useless passiveness. The last few days have been tougher than usual, but while I was organizing my Google Drive today, I came across the letter I wrote myself for my final AP Lit project in high school. I want to share this with you because it was coincidentally what I needed to find during this time. I've highlighted some parts that stand out for me. I feel like when life throws unpredictable situations at us, we all have to use a growth mindset to figure a way through it. We can allow emotions and reactions to ride itself out but that requires us to stay resilient through it all. Right? 

This is an unedited version of the letter, and it's crazy how relatable this is even 5 years later. I hope this encourages you to reflect on your personal self-growth over the last few years, or maybe dig up the last letter you wrote yourself for a school project (hopefully with f errors, haha)! 
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Written: May 24, 2015

Dear future self, 

I don’t know when you’ll re-read this, but I hope that when you do you are genuinely happy with where you are with your life. Life is honestly too short to only daydream about what might happen or what could be, and I hope that wherever you are in life right now (up or down), that you are truly enjoying every moment. I hope that you are staying out of drama and reducing your time invested in things that don’t really have value. I hope that you are following where your instincts take you, whether that’s with design & photography, business, or whatever it may be. You don’t have to follow the original path, because then you’re just taking the easy route. Life’s more of an adventure and more fun to live if you carve out the path on your own.

Present day me wants to finish grad school, travel to different cities and explore different cultures. I want to some day go back to London and study abroad there, or be involved in projects and campaigns related to environment protection and awareness, or find ways to unite people around the world with videos, blog posts, or discussions. I have the blog running pretty consistently right now (MainlyShan) so hopefully you’re still keeping that up? I want to finish my senior freeskate (done yet?) and also learn different skills so I can be a more well-rounded individual. I also expect that you have a license yet?! Please say you do... Haha.

What helped me get through my “rough” journey of high school was constantly putting situations in perspective, to breathe when situations feel too difficult, and to go with the flow. I feel that if I keep those things in mind life will be a lot more fun and tolerable. There are people on this planet that take life way too seriously, but I want to be a person that can laugh at the things that happen and stay resilient through the changes that will inevitably occur. I am still in shock that my childhood is almost ending, that now these stories are set in stone. The past 18 years have gone by too quickly and I haven’t had time to really process it all. I will miss so much of the memories created at Westgate, Rainbow Park, Miller, Pho Hoa, and the numerous parks and viewpoints that have helped me relax in nature. My parents have helped me get involved with so many extra-curriculars, and now I have to define my interests on my own. 

Success isn’t how much money you’re making, how many people approve of you, or the awards and medals you receive. Success is feeling passionate about the things you choose to pursue, having the drive to always continue improving, and being happy and proud of where you are in life. No one needs to give a stamp of approval except for you. If you aren’t happy with where your life stands, then do something to fix it, even if it only makes a small difference. Staying committed to those interests demonstrate your character, and if I learned anything from the last couple of years, is that giving up and being a quitter (whether for a skating test, any commitment) won’t feel good or get you anywhere. I hope that weakness has become a strength. 

If you are having a hard time forgiving someone or a situation, remember that the quicker you let go, the more opportunities will come your way. Sometimes unhealthy cycles only hinder us from success and true happiness, and although it is hard to forget and let go, it will only do us good in the long run. Staying humble and reflective is also something I want to maintain throughout my life, so hopefully you haven’t forgotten that yet. 

I suppose I have a lot of expectations on you, future self, but setting expectations is better than not setting any. It’s OK if not everything turns out the way I may be expecting right now, but as long as you don’t give up on yourself and still aim for that upward trend in life, I’m positive you’ll be fine. I’m proud of you anyway! 

With love,

Shannon Lee in 2015

Leaving for College

Well, hello there. Here I am again, blogging late at night when I'm getting emotional about something that is happening in my life. I remember wanting to write a blog post on the last 50 days of high school, and here I am feeling knotted about my last summer before college ending already. I want to embrace change, get out of my comfort zone and really experience as much of life as I can. I want to meet new people, open my mind to see more of the world, and learn what it's like to be independent. But I also don't want to do any of that.

In about 24 hours, I'll be all packed up, ready to head to Illinois to start my first year of college. I'm typing this during my last night in my own bed at home. It's sad for me to even think about.

I'm leaving my comfortable home, my family, my good friends, my cats I sometimes neglect, my job, my high school, and all the memories that's been created around the Bay Area the last 18 years. I'd say I had a pretty decent summer, but I just wish time would slow down a little.

I'm going to miss being sassy with my sister. I'm going to miss seeing her skate. I'm scared that I'll come back and she'll be way too tall for my liking and not be the "little" sister I've been with all this time. Seeing her grow up so fast makes it even worse. She's already starting high school, and she's becoming more mature than me (not that I've set a very high standard, but still).

I've been driving almost every day this summer with my dad, who taught me how to drive so that I passed my license test this past Monday (FINALLY)! I was happy that I passed but I was also sad that I'd never drive around with my dad for no reason anymore, other than to get some hours of driving practice whenever we could. It's an odd feeling, working with my dad all summer with the goal of getting my license and then actually finally getting it. And even though it's probably tiring and tedious for him, I'm going to miss getting rides from him from work, to counseling, to volunteering, back to home almost every day of the school year. I'm going to miss sleeping in the car holding a half-eaten breakfast while he drives me to the rink for early morning practices, and eating lunch with him at Creekside park before he drops me off at the empty rink to skate in the early afternoon. I'm going to miss the bowl of fruit he gives me almost every night in addition to the one he packs for me to bring to school (which is also why I made friends in high school). I already miss jogging with him on Wednesday mornings before late start, too.

My mom and I got closer this summer, and she's been through a lot with me. She was there for me for every milestone in my life so far. Every competition, every test, and every change of plan. Even when she knew I was probably going on the path less traveled, she stuck with me even through all my mistakes and all the problems I created for myself. I remember when I was younger and would want to sleep with her in her room, and when she bought me gym membership and invite me to go to 24 Hours Fitness with her. I'm so thankful I have her in my life, because without her I honestly don't know what I'd do. She planned all of my extra-curriculars, activities, and camps as a kid and I'd say I had a pretty fulfilling childhood because of that. Some days I'd come home to smoothies and lunches she prepared for me, even though I already went out to each lunch with my classmates. And even though I only homeschooled for a half a year, it made a pretty big difference in my life. She was also flexible enough to let me go back to public school once I figured out homeschooling wasn't for me.

Our family road trips to National parks, annual ski trips up in Tahoe, and monthly bike rides are all just memories that I'll look back on when I'm an adult reminiscing on my childhood. Or when I'm an incoming college student feeling homesick and freaking out about things I have no control over.

Okay, I'm know I'm just being nostalgic. And even though I have a knot in my stomach already, I'm positive I'll be fine once I step on campus. I'll learn my way around, and I'll eventually get used to living in my new home for the next four years. It's just a crazy thought knowing that things in my life are about to change so drastically and they will never be the same again. I don't trust myself enough to feel ready for all of that right now.

The connections I've made with the people here I will never forget, and I am so glad I've been able to meet the people I have met. Although some connections have fallen apart, some have only grown stronger. I can only be grateful for all the experiences and the moments I've had with these people. If you're reading this post, thanks for caring enough to click on my posts and actually read through all of these.

Also, if you've ever given me a ride, I appreciate it. Chat me up around break and I'll return the favor when we hangout, haha.

'Till next time, San Jose--
Shan