Trial & Error

Yo, what's up- 

I was typing up this draft andI felt inspired to finish this up & actually post it after a good convo with my roommate. So here it goes.. 

In life, we learn through our own experiences what we want to avoid or repeat in the future. People generally come to different conclusions of what that may look like. The risks we decide to lean into make life adventurous, fulfilling, gut-wrenching sometimes, but worth it. For me, that that's wearing my emotions on my sleeve, a little too openly.

I vividly remember promising my younger self I would never "build a wall up" to cover up my emotions. I didn't want to wait for anyone to "break 'em down" for me. Since then, I developed a coping mechanism opposite of how society and the media teaches us react to pain and trauma. I tell people I am an open book, even when I know not everyone will appreciate the vulnerability. Often times, people don't realize I sometimes wish I had more of a guard up, or kept more to myself. When I have an influx of thoughts, what ends up working for me is expressing it to others. I need to talk it out and communicate. It's annoying at times because I just want to be "normal," but overall I feel it's worth it because I've been able to open up conversations that wouldn't be possible if I didn't take the risk of being vulnerable first. I slowly started started embracing the positives of being able to think and function the way I do, and I'm still working on it.

This entire time, I told myself I was "being bold" because I was stable with myself. I had the misconception I was self-reliant and didn't need anyone else to "fix" or call out my personal problems because I was laying it all out there.

The blunt truth is, it was really about being in control. I thought if I spoke out first about my flaws, insecurities, mental health "issues," I would be in control of my narrative. I could own it and no one could say shit. 

What I didn't realize is that by giving that disclaimer to the world, I was also admitting the fact that I believed those impressions were true. Those negative labels would stick with me for as long as I let it. Those flaws, insecurities, and so-called issues were labeled that way because I said so. I was repeating negative affirmations, and living into the character of being "dramatic, too moody, and having too many unresolved issues." And people used that against me when there was friction or tension in a relationship, throwing my vulnerability back at me because I called it myself. 

But here's a fresh take: 

Life is trial & error, and 90% of life works itself out one way or the other. If there is one main lesson we learned this year, it's that we are all adaptable and can adjust to new normals. If people hurt us (because they will), detaching and refusing to take things personally helps frame situations differently. The right people will stay in our lives, and help us accept care/love the way we should. Even if people don't end up playing a role in our lives for as long as we thought they would, allowing a positive memory to be just that is okay.

There's a half-glass-full mentality to every scenario in life, including how we view our own personality. The weight of our own baggage is lifted once we internalize our self-worth. We will no longer fuck with with energy that tears us down, and get ourselves into a healthy, secure state (highly recommended read: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), which will help make life easier for everyone. Especially ourselves.

Shan

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Tunes listened while typing this up: 

• Face to Face, Mat Kearney 
• Wonder, Sean Mendes 
• Older, Nightly

Letter to Myself (2015)

Hey Quarantined Community, 

It's been a month of the shelter-in-place order in Illinois, and I have to say, this new lifestyle almost feels like the norm. I log-on to start work-from-home around 8:30-9am for the morning team huddle at 9:30. No more 6am alarms or worrying about the weather delaying my 1.5 hour commute to work.. Teams and Skype meetings are the default, and I never need to rush to make gym classes after logging off. 

It's the "norm," but it also isn't. My sleep schedule is absolute shit, I don't do full workouts the way I started building the habit for, and my motivation rides a ridiculous sine wave. While I bullet journal to help maintain some perspective and track habits.. It's still hard. 

I realize I took many aspects of my pre-pandemic life for granted, and there are days I have nothing better to do than to over-reflect and worry. I have so much I am grateful for, but my brain battles between constructive thinking and useless passiveness. The last few days have been tougher than usual, but while I was organizing my Google Drive today, I came across the letter I wrote myself for my final AP Lit project in high school. I want to share this with you because it was coincidentally what I needed to find during this time. I've highlighted some parts that stand out for me. I feel like when life throws unpredictable situations at us, we all have to use a growth mindset to figure a way through it. We can allow emotions and reactions to ride itself out but that requires us to stay resilient through it all. Right? 

This is an unedited version of the letter, and it's crazy how relatable this is even 5 years later. I hope this encourages you to reflect on your personal self-growth over the last few years, or maybe dig up the last letter you wrote yourself for a school project (hopefully with f errors, haha)! 
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Written: May 24, 2015

Dear future self, 

I don’t know when you’ll re-read this, but I hope that when you do you are genuinely happy with where you are with your life. Life is honestly too short to only daydream about what might happen or what could be, and I hope that wherever you are in life right now (up or down), that you are truly enjoying every moment. I hope that you are staying out of drama and reducing your time invested in things that don’t really have value. I hope that you are following where your instincts take you, whether that’s with design & photography, business, or whatever it may be. You don’t have to follow the original path, because then you’re just taking the easy route. Life’s more of an adventure and more fun to live if you carve out the path on your own.

Present day me wants to finish grad school, travel to different cities and explore different cultures. I want to some day go back to London and study abroad there, or be involved in projects and campaigns related to environment protection and awareness, or find ways to unite people around the world with videos, blog posts, or discussions. I have the blog running pretty consistently right now (MainlyShan) so hopefully you’re still keeping that up? I want to finish my senior freeskate (done yet?) and also learn different skills so I can be a more well-rounded individual. I also expect that you have a license yet?! Please say you do... Haha.

What helped me get through my “rough” journey of high school was constantly putting situations in perspective, to breathe when situations feel too difficult, and to go with the flow. I feel that if I keep those things in mind life will be a lot more fun and tolerable. There are people on this planet that take life way too seriously, but I want to be a person that can laugh at the things that happen and stay resilient through the changes that will inevitably occur. I am still in shock that my childhood is almost ending, that now these stories are set in stone. The past 18 years have gone by too quickly and I haven’t had time to really process it all. I will miss so much of the memories created at Westgate, Rainbow Park, Miller, Pho Hoa, and the numerous parks and viewpoints that have helped me relax in nature. My parents have helped me get involved with so many extra-curriculars, and now I have to define my interests on my own. 

Success isn’t how much money you’re making, how many people approve of you, or the awards and medals you receive. Success is feeling passionate about the things you choose to pursue, having the drive to always continue improving, and being happy and proud of where you are in life. No one needs to give a stamp of approval except for you. If you aren’t happy with where your life stands, then do something to fix it, even if it only makes a small difference. Staying committed to those interests demonstrate your character, and if I learned anything from the last couple of years, is that giving up and being a quitter (whether for a skating test, any commitment) won’t feel good or get you anywhere. I hope that weakness has become a strength. 

If you are having a hard time forgiving someone or a situation, remember that the quicker you let go, the more opportunities will come your way. Sometimes unhealthy cycles only hinder us from success and true happiness, and although it is hard to forget and let go, it will only do us good in the long run. Staying humble and reflective is also something I want to maintain throughout my life, so hopefully you haven’t forgotten that yet. 

I suppose I have a lot of expectations on you, future self, but setting expectations is better than not setting any. It’s OK if not everything turns out the way I may be expecting right now, but as long as you don’t give up on yourself and still aim for that upward trend in life, I’m positive you’ll be fine. I’m proud of you anyway! 

With love,

Shannon Lee in 2015

6 Months of Adulthood, 6 Lessons I've Learned

Ay, I've reached my first adulting milestone. It's been 6 months post-grad working in Chicago (Northbrook) now, and I can tell ya a lot has changed. It's a given that people continue to evolve as time passes, but I've never noticed this drastic of a change in myself before. My priorities have changed, my mindset has shifted, and I really don't have energy/time for bullshit. If you know me at all, it's crazy how far we've come, honestly.

Below are six things I've learned/realized over the last six months since graduation.

1. I care a lot more about money than I thought I would. 
"It's not about the money, it's about doing what you love." What I've realized for me is, it's about earning the money so I can live the lifestyle I want and comfortably fund my experiences. Yes, I want to also enjoy what I'm doing in the professional setting but I, more importantly, I want to be good at it. There are inevitably going to be skillsets I wish I could be amazing at but doesn't come as naturally to me. If I have to spend excessively more time to learn and perfect a skill/role when my job on the line, that may cause more stress than joy at this point. Sometimes my pride/stubbornness gets in the way of being efficient with my talents. If you've seen the posts (@casualgrit) on the recent book I read, Good to Great by Jim Collins, Jim mentions the Hedgehog Concept in his research. Essentially, it is the intersection of passion, your economic engine ($), and what you're good at that will create peak success. For me, this resonated and has driven the change in how I view my financial goals in life. There's still a long way to go, but realizing what my first steps are is a good start. 

2. Time spent in the office/on the commute drains my energy more than I had anticipated. 
In high school, many of us had workouts/sports practice before school at 8am, finished school around 3-4pm and continued on with 3-4 other extra-curriculars before studying and completing homework in the eveing. College was a different story (iykyk), but when I started my 8:30-4pm job, I assumed I would have time and energy to do a lot more and be productive after work. Unfortunately, I am a deteriorating human being and it is now essential I receive my prime 7+ hours of sleep and caffeine to get me through my day. After work? Oh my... it's considered a good day if I go to the gym and find the energy to cook dinner. Then I'm cashed. Out of the 5-6 things I want to "work on" after I get home from work, I can only realistically check 2-3 items off my list. Bullet journaling has helped me prioritize a lot, but that is another post comin' up soon.

3a. The personal projects/goals I've ruminated on for years are taking action now with my new lens of "not wanting to live a boring adult life."
I needed the push of adulting and more given alone time...to figure out my blog. Read more. Journal consistently. Be better overall, etc. During the past 4 years, I've thought about all these facets of my life I want to improve and work on but I never had the discipline to buckle down and act on them. Distractions were welcome, and my social-ass self wanted in on ALL boba dates, study sessions at Grainger/Cafe Bene, or any opportunity to "enjoy the full university experience." No regrets looking back, but I truly would've walked away with the same memory of college even if I said "no" a few times and marked some alone time to work on personal projects. However, the past is in the past. Next for me now? Maybe a build a website to compile all my lists/documents/blogs/pages (if you have tips or HTML books, please reach out!)

3b. I want to learn about everything. Almost too much. 
There is no longer any excuse I can hide behind to say that I am still a "kid" and "don't know things." Honestly, I am still a child, but I need to survive in the real world independently now. I have a sudden determination to soak up knowledge on how to succeed on a corporate path, learn about investing/money management, be educated on LITERALLY EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE. Fitness. Insurance. Cars. Apartment hunting. Personal growth. Cooking. Furniture. News. Business. Leadership. Retail trends. Technology. Energy management. Reality TV (lol). You name it. I don't want to be a noob anymore, but I might be cramming a little too much too quickly. 

If I could give my college self some advice, it would be to PAY ATTENTION to 10% more of whatever I was involved with in college. Whether it's during formal class settings, during team practices on ice, or part-time jobs on campus. There are plenty of life/business lessons I could've learned if I was just a little more attentive. Life all ties together some way some form, and it can be beneficial in the long run to have paid more attention. Professors are experts in their classes, and I have a lot more in-depth curious questions I would ask now if I could. Don't avoid asking for help, or attending office hours.

4. Not seeing my friends all the time is actually OKAY. I really value spending quality time with people who I vibe with...and that's about it.  
My biggest fear and worry towards the end of my senior year was not being able to find people to hang around whenever I wanted. A huge benefit of living on campus in the middle of cornfields was how easily accessible everything/everyone was. I was so sad to leave it, but honestly, I am fine with it now. I don't have energy or time Mondays-Thursdays after work anyway, because I need to be a functioning adult. I am okay for naturally set boundaries to see friends on the weekends, or to plan ahead a little to meet up. I appreciate those moments more, and I am more confident in myself to be okay being alone. I look forward to being alone. It's relaxing and very comforting. I might sound crazy to some people because I wouldn't have said any of this 6 months ago, but I know a lot of friends and coworkers have expressed similar thoughts since we left school. 

Personalities are not going to change as drastically as maybe they did entering college. We all know we won't get along with everyone on this planet, but being in a college town, there was still a priority to address drama and to figure out little details to ensure sure all relationships were going smoothly and all conflict resolved if possible. We have the rest of our lives to live and so many people on this planet who are on the same wavelength. We can respect differences without having to drain energy and limited time every day agreeing to disagree. This is not to say to not associate with people with different thoughts, but entering drama to stop it isn't going to work. We've all tried.  

5. I don't need to stress so much at work day-to-day but I do need to set short-term/long-term professional goals. 
It's totally normal to freak out over small things and sometimes feel like you're playing catch-up (you're not the only entry-level employee that feels this way). When I first started (and now sometimes), I worked at home after coming back from the office just because I knew it took me a little longer to finish certain deliverables. There were times I read too much into emails from my team/manager and felt like I wasn't up to par. Sometimes, I just know I am not utilizing all 8 hours of my workday to the max productivity I am capable of. Especially transitioning from college schedules, it took months of adjustment for me to find a work routine that works for me, while still tweaking it from time to time. 

This feeling will eventually go away, or I hope it will because I have noticed my anxiety lowering as weeks go by. There will be good days and bad ones, but every moment is just a learning experience. Even if a presentation or pitch doesn't go as planned, we've gotta pick ourselves back up and show up the next day. It is what it is, and the more we can let go of the small nuances, the more focus there will on productive professional development. 

6. Taking ownership of my work-life balance supplemented by the exercise of discipline is crucial. 
No one is going to tell me how I have to live my life. Messy or clean, up to me. Healthy or degenerate, up to me. Busy or relaxed, up to me. Career-focused or life experience focused, up to me. 100% of my life is up to me, and so many different things work for different people. I have to be self-aware and decide on what I want in for myself, then go after it.

Discipline is the #1 priority I want to incorporate into all aspects of my life right now. I'm not pro at it yet, but it's inevitably too important to disregard at this point if I want to get to where I want to be in the short-term and long-term. Here's to trying, haha.

If you're in college or finishing up, know that everything will work out. Seriously, time doesn't just heal pain/scars, it also broadens horizons and pulls away from the intensity of fear of the unknown. Stress less, and enjoy the process (as Peter says to the girls in the Bachelor). Just like when we all freaked out about college when we were high school minions, the same goes for adulthood. More might be on the line now, but we're also more capable than we were 4+ years ago. Or I'd at least hope so! 

'Till next time, 
Shan