I almost didn't go to this retreat. I had work Friday and Monday, and I couldn't find someone to cover for me until Thursday night. I am so, so thankful that I was able to go...
From Friday morning to Monday afternoon, I unplugged. I stayed away from the internet and all connections with the outside world. I was disconnected with the outside world, but I was outside, in the forest, most of the time. Hahaa.
This was a church retreat, and for me, I was taking a wide step out of my comfort zone. I haven't been to church for five years, and I haven't really been in touch with Christianity, or my faith during the years in between. I've been so caught up with life that I've really only focused on the stress and negativity in my life.
I'd go into detail about how I struggled with the rocks that life has thrown at me up till now, but maybe I will in some future post after we get to know each other better. Anyway, I met 10 amazing girls in Cabin 4 we were able to bond and share life stories and learn more about each other. We talked about life, God, boys, and food. We played games, laughed our heads off, and sang beautiful songs. I never thought that I could become such great friends with all of these people I had just met, but that's what happened and I'm glad it did.
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| New friendships, lovely people. (Creds: Anna) |
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| Cabin 4 (Creds: Jenny) |
On the last night, a boy named Kevin shared his story with us about what he went through and how God impacted his life. By the time he had finished with his story, I had wet cheeks. He touched me in the deepest parts of my heart, and that triggered a lot of what happened after that.
It was our last night together, so a few of my cabin mates and a couple guys decided to walk around and talk about our experiences at retreat this year. As we sat there in the night, sharing our thoughts, I had a realization that we'd all have to go back and face our "normal" daily lives again soon. I felt a gut-wrenching dread. I wanted to go back feeling like a new person, with all of my questions answered. But sadly, I felt like I was just more confused and alone than before. Suddenly, All I could think about was how I didn't want to continue living my life feeling emotionless, the way I have been living my life the past couple of years. Retreat was ending, and I still felt like I was a mess. I didn't know what to do or how to react.
Next thing I know, I'm in a bathroom stall crying my eyeballs out. I have no idea where all that emotion came from, but I felt hopeless. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life; I didn't know if I had true friends, I was confused about my relationships with my family, I had no clue what to expect of myself and my future, I felt like I was about to explode out of frustration. I felt like I was being a baby, just causing attention for no reason, so I decided to sneak out the bathroom and take a walk outside.
There were no stars that night, but the cold air dried my sticky tears pretty quickly. I was embraced by nature and being the moody person that I am, I felt a lot better after only ten minutes. Luckily, it was dark outside so no one could recognize me. I sepnt some alone time to think. After I calmed myself down, I walked back to the cabin with my emotions back inside of me-- or so I thought.
Everyone asked if I was okay and they were all super sweet about it, but Jenny (my best friend) and I decided to just talk about it outside. I was just so drained and confused that I eventually let everything out. We talked, and ranted, and talked... To a point something inside of me was telling me to tell her that one thing that I've been keeping inside of me for the last two years. I kept that thing inside because I couldn't trust anyone, didn't want to. I locked myself inside a little box and wanted to act strong. I loved helping others through their tough times. I wanted to give advice, and be there to listen to others. I might've forgotten about myself. As I opened my mouth to talk, all that came out were sobs. Jenny hugged me so tightly that it gave me even more reassurance to trust her. We held hands like a romantic couple (but not really) and I spoke.
I felt immediate relief wash over me. It was like a huge weight that was lifted off my shoulders and the rock that used to be my heart became a river flowing with joy and love and gummy bears. I started laughing and so did she. We hugged again and again, and I looked into her eyes and saw a true friend. We lost each other after sixth grade, but found each other again during the time we needed each other the most--our toughest times.
We went back in the cabin and talked with the other girls about boys until one by one, we all faded into a deep sleep.
The last day went by like a blur, and all I could really remember was that the bus ride back home was a peaceful one, a memorable one, one of the best bus rides ever. I will miss wearing socks with flip flops, Sunday night ice cream sundaes, yummy food, and stomachaches from laughing too hard with the new people that entered my life. All I can say is, thank you.
Who knew that retreat would impact me the most on the last night at 1 AM? I feel like being in that specific environment, with the perfect timing and the perfect place allowed me to break down in front of Jenny. It was what I needed to get everything out. I learned that maybe life won't improve in one day, and life might get even tougher, but it's about the way I react and perceive those situations that may change everything. I tried so hard to be happy and optimistic before, but I'd also blame myself for being lazy, and for not trying hard enough. I learned that I needed to loosen the reigns and let God lead the way. I just need to remove the green junk in my pipe and let love and happiness flow through.
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| Who knew a deck of cards could bring so much joy? |
De-stressed, and truly hopeful, PEACE OUT. :)
Love,
Shan
