The Dark Hole

Some of us may have been there, and some of us might've peeked into it before. The dark hole is disease that spreads and infects our whole life and the people in it.

I went through something similar to that my Sophomore year of high school. I felt disconnected, helpless, angry, frustrated, upset, fake, stupid, and felt that it was an endless cycle that would never get better. I complained a lot about my school's environment, and started to care less about the people around me and started to care less about myself. I was pretty emotionless because it was the only way I found to cope with all the confusing emotions I was experiencing.

People saw me as a hard-worker, a girl who had her life together with plenty of extra-curriculars to keep herself busy, and someone who was always laughing and being happy, weird, and silly at the same time. When I tried to tell them how I was struggling to keep my chin up with a lot of things, they'd say, "Oh Shannon, I'm sure you're fine. I'm sure your grades aren't that bad, you are always so happy you'll definitely bounce back!" "Shannon, everyone is going through the same thing. Everyone is stressed. Don't worry so much about it, you're overthinking."

I wanted to scream back, "NO IT'S NOT FINE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AS ME. ARRGHGGH."

It's not their fault that they didn't know what exactly I was going through or how serious I was when I said I felt down; they only said it with good intentions. But it didn't help. Even people that sat down and talked to me or chatted me until 3 in the morning only helped temporarily. The cycle of the lack of sleep and negativity floating around in my mind was something I had to battle with 24/7, and no one could reach into my brain to take the pessimism out. One bad small thing could be thrown in the mix of the dark hole, and things would keep on adding up and getting worse.

Even now that I look back at it, I can't really pinpoint what happened or what went wrong. I felt like I couldn't really trust anyone with anything because judgment was inevitable, and even if people did try to empathize, a lot of the times they couldn't completely understand because not one situation was identical and finding people that could "relate" only seemed to be a greater obstacle.

Now that I have less than 50 school days of my high school career, I guess there are some things I realized over the last two years that I'd like to share:

1. No one can get you out of your dark hole but yourself. No one has a situation that is JUST like yours and can say the most perfect, inspirational, and wise words to help you get out of the hole completely.

2. Even if it is nice and sweet for a friend or family member to stay up really late talking to you about the things on your mind, there ARE people that are busy with their lives and might not be able to drop everything and sit there to listen. However, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you. Sometimes they just see what you let them see.. the side that is "fine."

3. Deciding to open up will usually bring you closer to your friends. It may seem daunting at times, but once you let go of what you've been cooping up inside for so long, it feels amazing. Trust me on that one.

4. Being straightforward is always helpful. If you act passive aggressive and expect people to GUESS what's going on in your mind, it's frustrating for both ends and usually ends with misunderstanding more than anything else.

5. There are times we all want to just "deal with it on our own" because we don't want to bother others, or don't trust others to understand or even want to understand... but letting emotions out and feeling something (even if it's pain and hurt), can be ultimately beneficial and help you feel a lot better, even if it's just for that one situation or problem.

6. Journal. Journaling your thoughts and venting out really helps because paper won't judge or get annoyed. After re-reading what you wrote, sometimes you'll realize how silly it was or you'll be able to put things into perspective and not feel as upset about it.

7. It's all about the way you see it. You can trick your mind into thinking a certain way, and change your perception about a problem.

I have more things I could type out, but I decided to stop at 7, haha. I'm not saying all of these things are 100% correct and must relate to everyone, but those are things I try to remind myself when things get rough for me.

Hopefully this may have helped some of you! Chat me or email me if you ever need someone to listen to your rants, stranger or not. I'm not kidding.

Happy Saturday?
Shan

Discovering New Circles

Imagine our life each as its own circle, and each new person you meet intersects their circle with yours. Sometimes you meet new people and you automatically "click" with them, and the circles latch onto each other effortlessly. Other times, it takes days or weeks or months to find a slot in the circles that can click. Circles may drift apart where the two circles are just near each other but not really connected, like classmates you see on campus but never talk to. There are a couple circles that stay constant (like your long term best friends and family members), and some circles that come and go depending on the day.

I've been intersecting with a lot of new circles lately, and connecting with more people than I ever thought I would. Because it's second semester of my senior year, I've been trying hard to talk to people and put myself out there to make new friendships while still spending quality time with old friends, too. Instead of being stuck behind a screen, or typing until my thumbs get sore, going on adventures with people has been quite the positive experience. It doesn't matter that there are only about 50 school days left of my senior year, or that I will leave all that I know behind when I go to college. It's never too late to make the effort to learn more about other people and find commonalities and differences between other people. The differences I have with people actually help drive conversation forward, and with respect and open-mindness,  I feel closer to them. Conversation usually starts of with the basic, "How are you?" but quickly become reflective of our high school journey and what has changed over time. Talking to different people and hearing about what they have to say about their life and their future goals helps me put in perspective with what I want to accomplish the last couple of months I'll be at home. I want to wrap up on my time in high school by learning more about who I am and the path I want to follow into my future.

One thing I am struggling with, however, is finding the balance and giving myself some well-deserved "me" time. It is great to discover new connections with people, but sometimes it's easy to lose myself within all of that. I'd like to say I'm quite an introspective person when I want to be, and I feel a lack of that recently. When I find time for myself, it's satisfying to be able to clear my head and put things into perspective. Being solely focused on me takes a lot of stress away from other people's (and society's) expectations of what a happy life is supposed to be pictured.

Even though college letters are being sent out right now, and many Seniors are in the midst of receiving rejections and acceptances, I'm surprisingly able to stay calm...

Here's how I see it: we are going to end up attending one college, not all that we applied to. At the end of this entire process, we will have made a decision for ourselves that we will have to roll with for the next couple of years to come. We will grow and learn from the experience itself, no matter what the name of the college is. Our end goal isn't undergrad, it's the rest of our lives.

Thanks for reading through some late night ramblin',
Shan