The Dark Hole

Some of us may have been there, and some of us might've peeked into it before. The dark hole is disease that spreads and infects our whole life and the people in it.

I went through something similar to that my Sophomore year of high school. I felt disconnected, helpless, angry, frustrated, upset, fake, stupid, and felt that it was an endless cycle that would never get better. I complained a lot about my school's environment, and started to care less about the people around me and started to care less about myself. I was pretty emotionless because it was the only way I found to cope with all the confusing emotions I was experiencing.

People saw me as a hard-worker, a girl who had her life together with plenty of extra-curriculars to keep herself busy, and someone who was always laughing and being happy, weird, and silly at the same time. When I tried to tell them how I was struggling to keep my chin up with a lot of things, they'd say, "Oh Shannon, I'm sure you're fine. I'm sure your grades aren't that bad, you are always so happy you'll definitely bounce back!" "Shannon, everyone is going through the same thing. Everyone is stressed. Don't worry so much about it, you're overthinking."

I wanted to scream back, "NO IT'S NOT FINE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AS ME. ARRGHGGH."

It's not their fault that they didn't know what exactly I was going through or how serious I was when I said I felt down; they only said it with good intentions. But it didn't help. Even people that sat down and talked to me or chatted me until 3 in the morning only helped temporarily. The cycle of the lack of sleep and negativity floating around in my mind was something I had to battle with 24/7, and no one could reach into my brain to take the pessimism out. One bad small thing could be thrown in the mix of the dark hole, and things would keep on adding up and getting worse.

Even now that I look back at it, I can't really pinpoint what happened or what went wrong. I felt like I couldn't really trust anyone with anything because judgment was inevitable, and even if people did try to empathize, a lot of the times they couldn't completely understand because not one situation was identical and finding people that could "relate" only seemed to be a greater obstacle.

Now that I have less than 50 school days of my high school career, I guess there are some things I realized over the last two years that I'd like to share:

1. No one can get you out of your dark hole but yourself. No one has a situation that is JUST like yours and can say the most perfect, inspirational, and wise words to help you get out of the hole completely.

2. Even if it is nice and sweet for a friend or family member to stay up really late talking to you about the things on your mind, there ARE people that are busy with their lives and might not be able to drop everything and sit there to listen. However, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you. Sometimes they just see what you let them see.. the side that is "fine."

3. Deciding to open up will usually bring you closer to your friends. It may seem daunting at times, but once you let go of what you've been cooping up inside for so long, it feels amazing. Trust me on that one.

4. Being straightforward is always helpful. If you act passive aggressive and expect people to GUESS what's going on in your mind, it's frustrating for both ends and usually ends with misunderstanding more than anything else.

5. There are times we all want to just "deal with it on our own" because we don't want to bother others, or don't trust others to understand or even want to understand... but letting emotions out and feeling something (even if it's pain and hurt), can be ultimately beneficial and help you feel a lot better, even if it's just for that one situation or problem.

6. Journal. Journaling your thoughts and venting out really helps because paper won't judge or get annoyed. After re-reading what you wrote, sometimes you'll realize how silly it was or you'll be able to put things into perspective and not feel as upset about it.

7. It's all about the way you see it. You can trick your mind into thinking a certain way, and change your perception about a problem.

I have more things I could type out, but I decided to stop at 7, haha. I'm not saying all of these things are 100% correct and must relate to everyone, but those are things I try to remind myself when things get rough for me.

Hopefully this may have helped some of you! Chat me or email me if you ever need someone to listen to your rants, stranger or not. I'm not kidding.

Happy Saturday?
Shan