Yo, what's up-
I was typing up this draft andI felt inspired to finish this up & actually post it after a good convo with my roommate. So here it goes..
In life, we learn through our own experiences what we want to avoid or repeat in the future. People generally come to different conclusions of what that may look like. The risks we decide to lean into make life adventurous, fulfilling, gut-wrenching sometimes, but worth it. For me, that that's wearing my emotions on my sleeve, a little too openly.
I vividly remember promising my younger self I would never "build a wall up" to cover up my emotions. I didn't want to wait for anyone to "break 'em down" for me. Since then, I developed a coping mechanism opposite of how society and the media teaches us react to pain and trauma. I tell people I am an open book, even when I know not everyone will appreciate the vulnerability. Often times, people don't realize I sometimes wish I had more of a guard up, or kept more to myself. When I have an influx of thoughts, what ends up working for me is expressing it to others. I need to talk it out and communicate. It's annoying at times because I just want to be "normal," but overall I feel it's worth it because I've been able to open up conversations that wouldn't be possible if I didn't take the risk of being vulnerable first. I slowly started started embracing the positives of being able to think and function the way I do, and I'm still working on it.
This entire time, I told myself I was "being bold" because I was stable with myself. I had the misconception I was self-reliant and didn't need anyone else to "fix" or call out my personal problems because I was laying it all out there.
The blunt truth is, it was really about being in control. I thought if I spoke out first about my flaws, insecurities, mental health "issues," I would be in control of my narrative. I could own it and no one could say shit.
What I didn't realize is that by giving that disclaimer to the world, I was also admitting the fact that I believed those impressions were true. Those negative labels would stick with me for as long as I let it. Those flaws, insecurities, and so-called issues were labeled that way because I said so. I was repeating negative affirmations, and living into the character of being "dramatic, too moody, and having too many unresolved issues." And people used that against me when there was friction or tension in a relationship, throwing my vulnerability back at me because I called it myself.
But here's a fresh take:
Life is trial & error, and 90% of life works itself out one way or the other. If there is one main lesson we learned this year, it's that we are all adaptable and can adjust to new normals. If people hurt us (because they will), detaching and refusing to take things personally helps frame situations differently. The right people will stay in our lives, and help us accept care/love the way we should. Even if people don't end up playing a role in our lives for as long as we thought they would, allowing a positive memory to be just that is okay.
There's a half-glass-full mentality to every scenario in life, including how we view our own personality. The weight of our own baggage is lifted once we internalize our self-worth. We will no longer fuck with with energy that tears us down, and get ourselves into a healthy, secure state (highly recommended read: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), which will help make life easier for everyone. Especially ourselves.
Shan
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Tunes listened while typing this up:
- Face to Face, Mat Kearney
- Wonder, Sean Mendes
- Older, Nightly
