Some of us may have been there, and some of us might've peeked into it before. The dark hole is disease that spreads and infects our whole life and the people in it.
I went through something similar to that my Sophomore year of high school. I felt disconnected, helpless, angry, frustrated, upset, fake, stupid, and felt that it was an endless cycle that would never get better. I complained a lot about my school's environment, and started to care less about the people around me and started to care less about myself. I was pretty emotionless because it was the only way I found to cope with all the confusing emotions I was experiencing.
People saw me as a hard-worker, a girl who had her life together with plenty of extra-curriculars to keep herself busy, and someone who was always laughing and being happy, weird, and silly at the same time. When I tried to tell them how I was struggling to keep my chin up with a lot of things, they'd say, "Oh Shannon, I'm sure you're fine. I'm sure your grades aren't that bad, you are always so happy you'll definitely bounce back!" "Shannon, everyone is going through the same thing. Everyone is stressed. Don't worry so much about it, you're overthinking."
I wanted to scream back, "NO IT'S NOT FINE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AS ME. ARRGHGGH."
It's not their fault that they didn't know what exactly I was going through or how serious I was when I said I felt down; they only said it with good intentions. But it didn't help. Even people that sat down and talked to me or chatted me until 3 in the morning only helped temporarily. The cycle of the lack of sleep and negativity floating around in my mind was something I had to battle with 24/7, and no one could reach into my brain to take the pessimism out. One bad small thing could be thrown in the mix of the dark hole, and things would keep on adding up and getting worse.
Even now that I look back at it, I can't really pinpoint what happened or what went wrong. I felt like I couldn't really trust anyone with anything because judgment was inevitable, and even if people did try to empathize, a lot of the times they couldn't completely understand because not one situation was identical and finding people that could "relate" only seemed to be a greater obstacle.
Now that I have less than 50 school days of my high school career, I guess there are some things I realized over the last two years that I'd like to share:
1. No one can get you out of your dark hole but yourself. No one has a situation that is JUST like yours and can say the most perfect, inspirational, and wise words to help you get out of the hole completely.
2. Even if it is nice and sweet for a friend or family member to stay up really late talking to you about the things on your mind, there ARE people that are busy with their lives and might not be able to drop everything and sit there to listen. However, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you. Sometimes they just see what you let them see.. the side that is "fine."
3. Deciding to open up will usually bring you closer to your friends. It may seem daunting at times, but once you let go of what you've been cooping up inside for so long, it feels amazing. Trust me on that one.
4. Being straightforward is always helpful. If you act passive aggressive and expect people to GUESS what's going on in your mind, it's frustrating for both ends and usually ends with misunderstanding more than anything else.
5. There are times we all want to just "deal with it on our own" because we don't want to bother others, or don't trust others to understand or even want to understand... but letting emotions out and feeling something (even if it's pain and hurt), can be ultimately beneficial and help you feel a lot better, even if it's just for that one situation or problem.
6. Journal. Journaling your thoughts and venting out really helps because paper won't judge or get annoyed. After re-reading what you wrote, sometimes you'll realize how silly it was or you'll be able to put things into perspective and not feel as upset about it.
7. It's all about the way you see it. You can trick your mind into thinking a certain way, and change your perception about a problem.
I have more things I could type out, but I decided to stop at 7, haha. I'm not saying all of these things are 100% correct and must relate to everyone, but those are things I try to remind myself when things get rough for me.
Hopefully this may have helped some of you! Chat me or email me if you ever need someone to listen to your rants, stranger or not. I'm not kidding.
Happy Saturday?
Shan
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Discovering New Circles
Imagine our life each as its own circle, and each new person you meet intersects their circle with yours. Sometimes you meet new people and you automatically "click" with them, and the circles latch onto each other effortlessly. Other times, it takes days or weeks or months to find a slot in the circles that can click. Circles may drift apart where the two circles are just near each other but not really connected, like classmates you see on campus but never talk to. There are a couple circles that stay constant (like your long term best friends and family members), and some circles that come and go depending on the day.
I've been intersecting with a lot of new circles lately, and connecting with more people than I ever thought I would. Because it's second semester of my senior year, I've been trying hard to talk to people and put myself out there to make new friendships while still spending quality time with old friends, too. Instead of being stuck behind a screen, or typing until my thumbs get sore, going on adventures with people has been quite the positive experience. It doesn't matter that there are only about 50 school days left of my senior year, or that I will leave all that I know behind when I go to college. It's never too late to make the effort to learn more about other people and find commonalities and differences between other people. The differences I have with people actually help drive conversation forward, and with respect and open-mindness, I feel closer to them. Conversation usually starts of with the basic, "How are you?" but quickly become reflective of our high school journey and what has changed over time. Talking to different people and hearing about what they have to say about their life and their future goals helps me put in perspective with what I want to accomplish the last couple of months I'll be at home. I want to wrap up on my time in high school by learning more about who I am and the path I want to follow into my future.
One thing I am struggling with, however, is finding the balance and giving myself some well-deserved "me" time. It is great to discover new connections with people, but sometimes it's easy to lose myself within all of that. I'd like to say I'm quite an introspective person when I want to be, and I feel a lack of that recently. When I find time for myself, it's satisfying to be able to clear my head and put things into perspective. Being solely focused on me takes a lot of stress away from other people's (and society's) expectations of what a happy life is supposed to be pictured.
Even though college letters are being sent out right now, and many Seniors are in the midst of receiving rejections and acceptances, I'm surprisingly able to stay calm...
Here's how I see it: we are going to end up attending one college, not all that we applied to. At the end of this entire process, we will have made a decision for ourselves that we will have to roll with for the next couple of years to come. We will grow and learn from the experience itself, no matter what the name of the college is. Our end goal isn't undergrad, it's the rest of our lives.
Thanks for reading through some late night ramblin',
Shan
I've been intersecting with a lot of new circles lately, and connecting with more people than I ever thought I would. Because it's second semester of my senior year, I've been trying hard to talk to people and put myself out there to make new friendships while still spending quality time with old friends, too. Instead of being stuck behind a screen, or typing until my thumbs get sore, going on adventures with people has been quite the positive experience. It doesn't matter that there are only about 50 school days left of my senior year, or that I will leave all that I know behind when I go to college. It's never too late to make the effort to learn more about other people and find commonalities and differences between other people. The differences I have with people actually help drive conversation forward, and with respect and open-mindness, I feel closer to them. Conversation usually starts of with the basic, "How are you?" but quickly become reflective of our high school journey and what has changed over time. Talking to different people and hearing about what they have to say about their life and their future goals helps me put in perspective with what I want to accomplish the last couple of months I'll be at home. I want to wrap up on my time in high school by learning more about who I am and the path I want to follow into my future.
One thing I am struggling with, however, is finding the balance and giving myself some well-deserved "me" time. It is great to discover new connections with people, but sometimes it's easy to lose myself within all of that. I'd like to say I'm quite an introspective person when I want to be, and I feel a lack of that recently. When I find time for myself, it's satisfying to be able to clear my head and put things into perspective. Being solely focused on me takes a lot of stress away from other people's (and society's) expectations of what a happy life is supposed to be pictured.
Even though college letters are being sent out right now, and many Seniors are in the midst of receiving rejections and acceptances, I'm surprisingly able to stay calm...
Here's how I see it: we are going to end up attending one college, not all that we applied to. At the end of this entire process, we will have made a decision for ourselves that we will have to roll with for the next couple of years to come. We will grow and learn from the experience itself, no matter what the name of the college is. Our end goal isn't undergrad, it's the rest of our lives.
Thanks for reading through some late night ramblin',
Shan
Sunday, September 28, 2014
College Apps Season
I haven't posted in a little over a month because other priorities got in the way. When I say other priorities, I mostly mean college apps. The app season is a very exciting and stressful time filled with college research, college visits, and a great explosion of college mailers.
Being that my high school is fairly competitive academically (and those of you from Lynbrook, hello), sometimes it's really hard to make decisions without being affected by what others think or what others decide to do.
To me, education is the knowledge that you discover and the genuine connections you make with peers and mentors along the journey to find your passion. For too long I forgot what that felt like. With so many of the activities I was involved in, I felt like it was either a resume-builder, or a "waste of time." I knew I didn't want to do something just to stack my resume, but I also was less inclined to start a new hobby that probably wouldn't give enough time to "show consistency" through my high school career.
It took me a long time to find a good mix between doing things I love and also being consistent and successful with those things. And to be honest, I am still struggling with it, but I am thankful because I've been starting to understand more of who I am and what my true interests may be, all the while respecting and admiring the different goals and dreams my classmates have.
Once school started, I started to feel the lack of sleep affect me again. Between school, writing essays, work, volunteering, skating, and homecoming dance practices, there are just so many important items I want and need to check off my "to-do" list but only have a limited time to finish everything. I guess I am just going to have to figure something out and maybe I'll be able to sleep earlier, too.
Writing this post gave me an idea of making a poll about stress and anxiety. I got an overwhelming 90+ responses from it, so I am excited to put all the responses together and share it with you guys in the next post!
See ya!
Shan
Being that my high school is fairly competitive academically (and those of you from Lynbrook, hello), sometimes it's really hard to make decisions without being affected by what others think or what others decide to do.
To me, education is the knowledge that you discover and the genuine connections you make with peers and mentors along the journey to find your passion. For too long I forgot what that felt like. With so many of the activities I was involved in, I felt like it was either a resume-builder, or a "waste of time." I knew I didn't want to do something just to stack my resume, but I also was less inclined to start a new hobby that probably wouldn't give enough time to "show consistency" through my high school career.
It took me a long time to find a good mix between doing things I love and also being consistent and successful with those things. And to be honest, I am still struggling with it, but I am thankful because I've been starting to understand more of who I am and what my true interests may be, all the while respecting and admiring the different goals and dreams my classmates have.
Once school started, I started to feel the lack of sleep affect me again. Between school, writing essays, work, volunteering, skating, and homecoming dance practices, there are just so many important items I want and need to check off my "to-do" list but only have a limited time to finish everything. I guess I am just going to have to figure something out and maybe I'll be able to sleep earlier, too.
Writing this post gave me an idea of making a poll about stress and anxiety. I got an overwhelming 90+ responses from it, so I am excited to put all the responses together and share it with you guys in the next post!
See ya!
Shan
Monday, August 4, 2014
Summer Retreat
I'm heading back to school in two weeks, and I'm super anxious and excited. This past weekend was the perfect outlet for me. I spent it at Mt. Gilead, a retreat sanctuary, with a few hundred great new friends.
I almost didn't go to this retreat. I had work Friday and Monday, and I couldn't find someone to cover for me until Thursday night. I am so, so thankful that I was able to go...
From Friday morning to Monday afternoon, I unplugged. I stayed away from the internet and all connections with the outside world. I was disconnected with the outside world, but I was outside, in the forest, most of the time. Hahaa.
This was a church retreat, and for me, I was taking a wide step out of my comfort zone. I haven't been to church for five years, and I haven't really been in touch with Christianity, or my faith during the years in between. I've been so caught up with life that I've really only focused on the stress and negativity in my life.
I'd go into detail about how I struggled with the rocks that life has thrown at me up till now, but maybe I will in some future post after we get to know each other better. Anyway, I met 10 amazing girls in Cabin 4 we were able to bond and share life stories and learn more about each other. We talked about life, God, boys, and food. We played games, laughed our heads off, and sang beautiful songs. I never thought that I could become such great friends with all of these people I had just met, but that's what happened and I'm glad it did.
We spent our free time dipping our feet in the pool, breathing in the fresh air (I love the smell of forests), drinking wild berry smoothies, making incomplete bracelets, and taking random walks around the site. We'd have worship in the morning, free time in the afternoon, and worship with a message at night. I felt relaxed and happy and well-rested because we all slept by 11, except for the last night...
On the last night, a boy named Kevin shared his story with us about what he went through and how God impacted his life. By the time he had finished with his story, I had wet cheeks. He touched me in the deepest parts of my heart, and that triggered a lot of what happened after that.
It was our last night together, so a few of my cabin mates and a couple guys decided to walk around and talk about our experiences at retreat this year. As we sat there in the night, sharing our thoughts, I had a realization that we'd all have to go back and face our "normal" daily lives again soon. I felt a gut-wrenching dread. I wanted to go back feeling like a new person, with all of my questions answered. But sadly, I felt like I was just more confused and alone than before. Suddenly, All I could think about was how I didn't want to continue living my life feeling emotionless, the way I have been living my life the past couple of years. Retreat was ending, and I still felt like I was a mess. I didn't know what to do or how to react.
Next thing I know, I'm in a bathroom stall crying my eyeballs out. I have no idea where all that emotion came from, but I felt hopeless. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life; I didn't know if I had true friends, I was confused about my relationships with my family, I had no clue what to expect of myself and my future, I felt like I was about to explode out of frustration. I felt like I was being a baby, just causing attention for no reason, so I decided to sneak out the bathroom and take a walk outside.
There were no stars that night, but the cold air dried my sticky tears pretty quickly. I was embraced by nature and being the moody person that I am, I felt a lot better after only ten minutes. Luckily, it was dark outside so no one could recognize me. I sepnt some alone time to think. After I calmed myself down, I walked back to the cabin with my emotions back inside of me-- or so I thought.
Everyone asked if I was okay and they were all super sweet about it, but Jenny (my best friend) and I decided to just talk about it outside. I was just so drained and confused that I eventually let everything out. We talked, and ranted, and talked... To a point something inside of me was telling me to tell her that one thing that I've been keeping inside of me for the last two years. I kept that thing inside because I couldn't trust anyone, didn't want to. I locked myself inside a little box and wanted to act strong. I loved helping others through their tough times. I wanted to give advice, and be there to listen to others. I might've forgotten about myself. As I opened my mouth to talk, all that came out were sobs. Jenny hugged me so tightly that it gave me even more reassurance to trust her. We held hands like a romantic couple (but not really) and I spoke.
I felt immediate relief wash over me. It was like a huge weight that was lifted off my shoulders and the rock that used to be my heart became a river flowing with joy and love and gummy bears. I started laughing and so did she. We hugged again and again, and I looked into her eyes and saw a true friend. We lost each other after sixth grade, but found each other again during the time we needed each other the most--our toughest times.
We went back in the cabin and talked with the other girls about boys until one by one, we all faded into a deep sleep.
The last day went by like a blur, and all I could really remember was that the bus ride back home was a peaceful one, a memorable one, one of the best bus rides ever. I will miss wearing socks with flip flops, Sunday night ice cream sundaes, yummy food, and stomachaches from laughing too hard with the new people that entered my life. All I can say is, thank you.
Who knew that retreat would impact me the most on the last night at 1 AM? I feel like being in that specific environment, with the perfect timing and the perfect place allowed me to break down in front of Jenny. It was what I needed to get everything out. I learned that maybe life won't improve in one day, and life might get even tougher, but it's about the way I react and perceive those situations that may change everything. I tried so hard to be happy and optimistic before, but I'd also blame myself for being lazy, and for not trying hard enough. I learned that I needed to loosen the reigns and let God lead the way. I just need to remove the green junk in my pipe and let love and happiness flow through.
Did you experience something this summer that really shifted your perspective on life or deeply-impacted you? Let me know in the comments!
De-stressed, and truly hopeful, PEACE OUT. :)
Love,
Shan
I almost didn't go to this retreat. I had work Friday and Monday, and I couldn't find someone to cover for me until Thursday night. I am so, so thankful that I was able to go...
From Friday morning to Monday afternoon, I unplugged. I stayed away from the internet and all connections with the outside world. I was disconnected with the outside world, but I was outside, in the forest, most of the time. Hahaa.
This was a church retreat, and for me, I was taking a wide step out of my comfort zone. I haven't been to church for five years, and I haven't really been in touch with Christianity, or my faith during the years in between. I've been so caught up with life that I've really only focused on the stress and negativity in my life.
I'd go into detail about how I struggled with the rocks that life has thrown at me up till now, but maybe I will in some future post after we get to know each other better. Anyway, I met 10 amazing girls in Cabin 4 we were able to bond and share life stories and learn more about each other. We talked about life, God, boys, and food. We played games, laughed our heads off, and sang beautiful songs. I never thought that I could become such great friends with all of these people I had just met, but that's what happened and I'm glad it did.
 |
| New friendships, lovely people. (Creds: Anna) |
 |
| Cabin 4 (Creds: Jenny) |
On the last night, a boy named Kevin shared his story with us about what he went through and how God impacted his life. By the time he had finished with his story, I had wet cheeks. He touched me in the deepest parts of my heart, and that triggered a lot of what happened after that.
It was our last night together, so a few of my cabin mates and a couple guys decided to walk around and talk about our experiences at retreat this year. As we sat there in the night, sharing our thoughts, I had a realization that we'd all have to go back and face our "normal" daily lives again soon. I felt a gut-wrenching dread. I wanted to go back feeling like a new person, with all of my questions answered. But sadly, I felt like I was just more confused and alone than before. Suddenly, All I could think about was how I didn't want to continue living my life feeling emotionless, the way I have been living my life the past couple of years. Retreat was ending, and I still felt like I was a mess. I didn't know what to do or how to react.
Next thing I know, I'm in a bathroom stall crying my eyeballs out. I have no idea where all that emotion came from, but I felt hopeless. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life; I didn't know if I had true friends, I was confused about my relationships with my family, I had no clue what to expect of myself and my future, I felt like I was about to explode out of frustration. I felt like I was being a baby, just causing attention for no reason, so I decided to sneak out the bathroom and take a walk outside.
There were no stars that night, but the cold air dried my sticky tears pretty quickly. I was embraced by nature and being the moody person that I am, I felt a lot better after only ten minutes. Luckily, it was dark outside so no one could recognize me. I sepnt some alone time to think. After I calmed myself down, I walked back to the cabin with my emotions back inside of me-- or so I thought.
Everyone asked if I was okay and they were all super sweet about it, but Jenny (my best friend) and I decided to just talk about it outside. I was just so drained and confused that I eventually let everything out. We talked, and ranted, and talked... To a point something inside of me was telling me to tell her that one thing that I've been keeping inside of me for the last two years. I kept that thing inside because I couldn't trust anyone, didn't want to. I locked myself inside a little box and wanted to act strong. I loved helping others through their tough times. I wanted to give advice, and be there to listen to others. I might've forgotten about myself. As I opened my mouth to talk, all that came out were sobs. Jenny hugged me so tightly that it gave me even more reassurance to trust her. We held hands like a romantic couple (but not really) and I spoke.
I felt immediate relief wash over me. It was like a huge weight that was lifted off my shoulders and the rock that used to be my heart became a river flowing with joy and love and gummy bears. I started laughing and so did she. We hugged again and again, and I looked into her eyes and saw a true friend. We lost each other after sixth grade, but found each other again during the time we needed each other the most--our toughest times.
We went back in the cabin and talked with the other girls about boys until one by one, we all faded into a deep sleep.
The last day went by like a blur, and all I could really remember was that the bus ride back home was a peaceful one, a memorable one, one of the best bus rides ever. I will miss wearing socks with flip flops, Sunday night ice cream sundaes, yummy food, and stomachaches from laughing too hard with the new people that entered my life. All I can say is, thank you.
Who knew that retreat would impact me the most on the last night at 1 AM? I feel like being in that specific environment, with the perfect timing and the perfect place allowed me to break down in front of Jenny. It was what I needed to get everything out. I learned that maybe life won't improve in one day, and life might get even tougher, but it's about the way I react and perceive those situations that may change everything. I tried so hard to be happy and optimistic before, but I'd also blame myself for being lazy, and for not trying hard enough. I learned that I needed to loosen the reigns and let God lead the way. I just need to remove the green junk in my pipe and let love and happiness flow through.
 |
| Who knew a deck of cards could bring so much joy? |
De-stressed, and truly hopeful, PEACE OUT. :)
Love,
Shan
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