Letter to Myself (2015)

Hey Quarantined Community, 

It's been a month of the shelter-in-place order in Illinois, and I have to say, this new lifestyle almost feels like the norm. I log-on to start work-from-home around 8:30-9am for the morning team huddle at 9:30. No more 6am alarms or worrying about the weather delaying my 1.5 hour commute to work.. Teams and Skype meetings are the default, and I never need to rush to make gym classes after logging off. 

It's the "norm," but it also isn't. My sleep schedule is absolute shit, I don't do full workouts the way I started building the habit for, and my motivation rides a ridiculous sine wave. While I bullet journal to help maintain some perspective and track habits.. It's still hard. 

I realize I took many aspects of my pre-pandemic life for granted, and there are days I have nothing better to do than to over-reflect and worry. I have so much I am grateful for, but my brain battles between constructive thinking and useless passiveness. The last few days have been tougher than usual, but while I was organizing my Google Drive today, I came across the letter I wrote myself for my final AP Lit project in high school. I want to share this with you because it was coincidentally what I needed to find during this time. I've highlighted some parts that stand out for me. I feel like when life throws unpredictable situations at us, we all have to use a growth mindset to figure a way through it. We can allow emotions and reactions to ride itself out but that requires us to stay resilient through it all. Right? 

This is an unedited version of the letter, and it's crazy how relatable this is even 5 years later. I hope this encourages you to reflect on your personal self-growth over the last few years, or maybe dig up the last letter you wrote yourself for a school project (hopefully with f errors, haha)! 
-----------------------------------

Written: May 24, 2015

Dear future self, 

I don’t know when you’ll re-read this, but I hope that when you do you are genuinely happy with where you are with your life. Life is honestly too short to only daydream about what might happen or what could be, and I hope that wherever you are in life right now (up or down), that you are truly enjoying every moment. I hope that you are staying out of drama and reducing your time invested in things that don’t really have value. I hope that you are following where your instincts take you, whether that’s with design & photography, business, or whatever it may be. You don’t have to follow the original path, because then you’re just taking the easy route. Life’s more of an adventure and more fun to live if you carve out the path on your own.

Present day me wants to finish grad school, travel to different cities and explore different cultures. I want to some day go back to London and study abroad there, or be involved in projects and campaigns related to environment protection and awareness, or find ways to unite people around the world with videos, blog posts, or discussions. I have the blog running pretty consistently right now (MainlyShan) so hopefully you’re still keeping that up? I want to finish my senior freeskate (done yet?) and also learn different skills so I can be a more well-rounded individual. I also expect that you have a license yet?! Please say you do... Haha.

What helped me get through my “rough” journey of high school was constantly putting situations in perspective, to breathe when situations feel too difficult, and to go with the flow. I feel that if I keep those things in mind life will be a lot more fun and tolerable. There are people on this planet that take life way too seriously, but I want to be a person that can laugh at the things that happen and stay resilient through the changes that will inevitably occur. I am still in shock that my childhood is almost ending, that now these stories are set in stone. The past 18 years have gone by too quickly and I haven’t had time to really process it all. I will miss so much of the memories created at Westgate, Rainbow Park, Miller, Pho Hoa, and the numerous parks and viewpoints that have helped me relax in nature. My parents have helped me get involved with so many extra-curriculars, and now I have to define my interests on my own. 

Success isn’t how much money you’re making, how many people approve of you, or the awards and medals you receive. Success is feeling passionate about the things you choose to pursue, having the drive to always continue improving, and being happy and proud of where you are in life. No one needs to give a stamp of approval except for you. If you aren’t happy with where your life stands, then do something to fix it, even if it only makes a small difference. Staying committed to those interests demonstrate your character, and if I learned anything from the last couple of years, is that giving up and being a quitter (whether for a skating test, any commitment) won’t feel good or get you anywhere. I hope that weakness has become a strength. 

If you are having a hard time forgiving someone or a situation, remember that the quicker you let go, the more opportunities will come your way. Sometimes unhealthy cycles only hinder us from success and true happiness, and although it is hard to forget and let go, it will only do us good in the long run. Staying humble and reflective is also something I want to maintain throughout my life, so hopefully you haven’t forgotten that yet. 

I suppose I have a lot of expectations on you, future self, but setting expectations is better than not setting any. It’s OK if not everything turns out the way I may be expecting right now, but as long as you don’t give up on yourself and still aim for that upward trend in life, I’m positive you’ll be fine. I’m proud of you anyway! 

With love,

Shannon Lee in 2015

Putting it in Perspective

Hey, there. Props to you for actually clicking on my self-promo link on Insta or Snapchat (it's @shannonylee, by the way. Hahahaa). I hope you enjoyed the kick-off to this holiday season! I was lucky enough to spend an entire EIGHT days back home in Northern California, where it rained five of the days I was present. And no, I do not hold any responsibility for bringing the "cold, Chicago" weather over there. Nice try. Although I low-key did miss Chicago a little. This was my first break since I started adult-working, so it felt bizarre not going back to Champaign to squad up with my buddies in preparation for finals.

What did I do this break? No one asked. But I'll tell you anyway. I had wayyyy too much boba and ramen. The options here are endless. My friends know how much I love it, so grabbing tea or coffee is usually a top suggestion every hangout. I just can't resist.

I've had one of the best times back in the Bay this time around. I'm really appreciative of the circle of friends I have here. Even though I chose to be in the Midwest to experience more of a different environment and be independent, it's been nice catching up and looking back on our growth over the years and also sharing our current lives in different cities. It's inspiring to me to hear what other people are up to, and it motivates me to keep my own shit together. My sister started college an hour away from home, so I was able to watch the Cal vs Standford football game with her and I also paid a visit to her campus. We're able to relate on a lot more topics now that she's going through the undergrad experience, beyond topics of ice skating and family activities. I think it's been one of the most positive changes I've noticed in my life thus far.

Speaking of change, I've collected a few dusty drafts for this blog now because I haven't been feeling really inspired to write or edit. I feel myself having spurts of inspiration because there's been a decent amount of change in my life and my mindset and I want to update on it, but it's been challenging articulating everything in words. Honestly, I also feel like this blog catches me at my sappier and emotional moments, even if it's obviously not all-encompassing of my thoughts. I enjoy expressing myself (even oversharing sometimes) on this platform because it's a relaxed, low-pressure avenue to project my inner thoughts onto something tangible. It can be challenging and uncomfortable being vulnerable, but it's always a good exercise to let go of self-judgment and fear for what others think. Content sharing and social media isn't everyone's thing, but it's always been an outlet for me to relate to others and I've noticed how it initiates conversations that may have been harder to transition during casual conversation.

I decided to type something up from this week so at least the time spent thinking about all this didn't go to waste. Specifically, the culmination of events that flooded the news this year. As 2019 soon comes to an end, I figured it was appropriate to utilize some of these thoughts as a leading point in the next year in terms of what I want to work on. We all know about the innocent lives lost through mass shootings/gun violence, and a lot of us have been impacted by the most recent passing of a UIC student during Thanksgiving week. I usually try not to ruminate too long on these topics because I know I can't change what happened. I personally didn't know Ruth George, but I feel deep frustration, hopelessness, and anger. I can't even begin to fathom the numbness of her loved ones through this loss. With all of the violence in this world, tension overseas, and the increase of serious climate issues.. it is overwhelming to grasp the profound issues occurring all around the globe.

I've also clocked a few hours watching competition tv series like World of Dance and SYTCD. It might not seem relevant at all that I just brought up, but there were numerous stories highlighting inspiring stories about the adversities contestants faced. They still find the will to live their dreams, pursue their passions, and touch people with their hard work & talent.

Now relating this back to my personal journey. My main question from all of that is.. What the FUCK am I doing to really get to where I want? I know it's always a work in progress, and I can still be happy with where I am now. But I also know I am lazy, moody, and emotional half the time. I get easily distracted and sleepy, then wake up the next day wishing I had done more.

I digress. Anyway, the point is, shit happens. Life can be bumpy sometimes. But as previously mentioned, life isn't about comparing pain and hardships. Despite all that, even with everything going on in the world today, people conquer their own personal demons every day to get shit done. I have a few comments for myself, and for anyone who finds this relatable. Either way, this is here to hold myself accountable.

Let go of the trivial shit. Gossip, petty shit, moodiness can add texture in life, and it can sometimes be addicting. We all have moments we need to vent or complain, but it's too prevalent in our lives. Even when we all know how immature it is, it still happens. I don't think people even realize when they're doing it, but it becomes a bonding activity when people don't know what to talk about. Usually, there are underlying causes that aren't fixed and won't be fixed if all we do is pick at the rotting band-aid. It is totally valid to express thoughts and stand up for yourself in certain situations, but there's definitely a line not to cross. I personally don't want to too much of my limited time on other people's problems. I have too many of my own.

Secondly, if you have dreams or ideas itching in the back of your mind for you to try, just PURSUE them. There are a million excuses you could use, and yes, it can be daunting. But you will never know how it feels until you are crossing that bridge, and simplifying the goal from A to B may help to eliminate the excuses that are there for no reason. I have a lot of goals I want to make in terms of learning new skillsets (coding, video, fitness/health) that I've been mumbling to myself in my sleep on how I want to start it. How many real steps have I taken to achieve them? Point five. Do I have anything life-threatening things hindering me from it? No. So I really who to blame except for my own, damn self. That SO needs to change. New Years' resolution inspiration? Who knows.

Okay, those are the two main things I've thought about for now. It's getting late. Have a good week, happy Hump Day.

See ya,
Shan

[Struggle Bus]...

Yo, what's up! 

It's a beautiful Friday today and I'm thriving. Just kidding, I'm cold and I honestly had one of the busiest weeks at work so far. Work has been rewarding overall because I'm learning a lot, but I feel the exhaustion kick in the moment I get home. Regardless, when I spend time thinking about the personal projects I want to build (including this blog), it helps me stay energized and I can keep chugging along, even if that means I have bags under my eyes.

A few weeks ago, I asked for inspiration for my next post. One suggestion (thank you) asked about the hardest things I went through at UIUC and how I pushed myself to get through those situations. Especially since I just got back from a weekend in Champaign for Homecoming (an unbelievable weekend, by the way), I already have been in a reflective headspace about college days and pre-adulting life. 

I'm not going to lie, my college years were one of the best years of my life but I also had my biggest L's during that time. Toxic habits, friendships, and mindsets made it difficult for me to even get out of bed or eat some days. I know a lot of people have gone through similar feelings and situations, but I want to emphasize right off the bat that every individual experience and perception is unique. I am sharing personal anecdotes, and I hope that this is relatable for some. If not, I hope it introduces a different lens and a safe space to talk about these things with others. 

A little more background on me.. to help set the scene:

• Originally from: San Jose, California

I grew up in the bubble of Silicon Valley, and I honestly really wanted to get out of that environment just to see what was else was out there. I felt lost in high school, and that made it difficult for me to discover my true interests and set my sights on career paths and/or priorities that differed from other people. I knew that I needed to learn independence and grow to not react with resentment to people, situations, and environments that I felt were hurtful to me. 

• Majors: Organizational Psychology & Communications (I started with just Communications) 

In high school, I enjoyed humanities-based classes and I already took an interest in psychology, the science behind human interactions, and expression in the form of words(writing/blogging/reading). I had no clue what I wanted out of the degree. I considered teaching, human resources, non-profit work, and social media marketing. 

• Extra-curriculars: Alpha Phi Omega Service Fraternity (2 years, Fall 2016 pledge), IllinoiSkating Club Synchronized Skating (4 years, 8-10 hours commitment/wk), Vocational Interest Psychology Research Assistant (2 years)

I figure-skated most of my life, and I was looking to continue it through college. Ice skating was (and still is) a huge part of my identity. The consistency this sport gave me was something I leaned on when I encountered hardships or inconsistencies in other facets of my life. In general, I believe training develops discipline, grit, and work ethic that goes beyond the athletics. As for research and community service, I like to diversify my experiences and meet individuals who have the same interest in helping others and diving deeper in certain subjects. 

I came to Illinois intending to expand my horizons, meet people with varying backgrounds, and I also heard the Midwest winters really toughen people up... hahaa. My experience in this college town was hugely impactful in shaping me and will continue to shape me through the years to come. 

One of the most difficult barriers I encountered through U of I was finding the value in my education, especially when I felt like my mental health was hindering me from reaching "my full potential" and being who I wanted to be. My parents were funding my higher education and had hopes for me to succeed. But at the end of the day, what was I actually taking out of it? What would I even do with my major or my class knowledge of "Organizational Communication"? I believed in my intelligence and eagerness to learn, but I was always paralyzed by discussing grades, challenging courses, career goals, and money-making priorities. Growing up, there was an unhealthy (in my opinion) emphasis on involvement mainly for benefiting resumes, completing projects for visibility and validation, and networking for promotional and leadership titles (for resume-building purposes). 

And look, there's nothing wrong with that. I now understand the importance of success and the drive to take the necessary steps to achieve it. I just was so lost in myself that I became fearful of taking those measures from an insincere standpoint. It wasn't them, it was me. 

What did I do to address my panic? I made use of my extraverted traits and overexerted myself in social settings (I still sometimes do that but with a better balance) to find genuine relationships that would distract me from my insecurities and the shame that was boiling up internally. I averaged 3-4.5 hours of sleep a night because of my morning skate practices, I said "yes" to every social event possible, and I chose to ignore the red flags or warnings in my head. You know how people say "I can be in a room full of people but still feel lonely?" That's exactly how I felt. Except I was so sidetracked most of the time I didn't even register that emotion. I was always getting boba, texting dozens of people, or getting wrapped up in unnecessary drama. 

During my sophomore year and parts of junior year, I skipped more class than I ever did. I dropped classes and switched classes numerous times to find a way to get through each semester, while not wanting to take away any of my commitments (skating, friends, work, school, and volunteering). I felt like I was constantly drowning. I'd make mistakes and put in effort to continuously patch things up. It was exhausting. I hated myself and wanted to get my life together so badly, but always found an excuse to push it aside. Push my own health aside. I felt motivation in 2-3 day spurts when I would feel like something clicked inside of me. Then I'd go back to my same damn habits. Repeat. 

Then one day, I woke up and fixed everything. I'm happy now!!! 

.. Just kidding. I am still far from "fixing" everything, and I don't know if I ever will. Which is okay. I also realized I was doing a whole lot of complaining, self-sabotaging, and very little action was taken to even try and see if different solutions would work for my problems. I tried out therapy (which honestly didn't work for me on campus). I put full-focus into job-hunting and loved how driven it made me feel (yes, the stress of career-hunting was probably the best semester of my college career). I worked out consistently and found companions to hold me accountable. I let go of relationships that were either dragging me down or where I was hurting them, too. 

Now that I recently graduated, I think it was a suitable time to "re-start." Whenever I notice patterns and habits that sap the happiness out of my life, I weed them out. Logical thinking during the toughest times also really helps center my thought process. I think the biggest lesson learned through my challenges in college was to keep taking it day-by-day. Some days, my insecurities and doubts flood my brain the second I wake up. Because I have a set routine to go to work (yay corporate jobs), it's honestly been a blessing. Once I complete the smallest task, it slowly builds momentum throughout the day to accomplish more. Self-reflection and awareness help me identify the true root causes of my problems. Even if I can't be Bob-the-Builder every day ('cause I'm still a piece of shit), at least I feel gratification in identifying the problem.

Wow, those were a lot of words to explain my little story. Regardless, know that WHATEVER you're going through, even if there are individuals who haven't lived through exactly what you have, there are humans who have felt similar emotions. Validate yourself. Suck it up when you need to suck it up and sulk once in a while if it's just too much. Allow yourself to vent. 

I wrote a post on getting through rough times and the perspective I took in high school which is still applicable for me today. Check it out if you want. With all of that, have a good weekend. Go kill it at work, in school, and in life. And then meet me at the clubs on Saturday LOL. 

See ya,

Shannon Lee (I just noticed I didn't put Shan like I used to. Too many emails sent out for work lately, haha)

I Dreaded Adulthood... So This is What I'm Doing

Hey there,

If you've read any of my previous posts, you already know that I can be nostalgic and sentimental, or maybe even a little angsty... especially during larger transitions in my life. I adored my time at U of I, and although moving on from times like that has exciting aspects, there are definitely bitter moments intertwined with it.

As I finalized my plan to move to Chicago earlier this year, I vowed to myself that the start of my adulthood wouldn't mean a mundane routine, drained energy, and a fast deterioration of my physical and mental health. I wanted to peak during adulthood, not plateau. Yes, I do feel that being 22-years-old is old as shit, but also after entering the real workforce, I've realize how young I truly am. I have so much growth and change ahead of me, but I get wrapped up in the sad thought of my childhood ending, forgetting to embrace the upcoming chapter in life. There is the generalization that post-college means no more fun, and solely work, work, work. That's definitely a fair concern, because with the "free" time comes the need to be in bed by a responsible hour, paying bills on time, and finishing up daily life chores that seemed to complete itself back when I was living with my parents.. I know that not everything about adulting is sunshine and perfection, but would life be interesting without any learning curves or difficult times? If anything, I personally feel liberated knowing I have so much control over my own life to drive whatever kind of life I picture.

I'm quickly learning that just because I get off work by 3:45p most days, it doesn't mean I'll even have the energy to be the college version of me, and neither do my friends/coworkers. I'm still working through understanding personal finance/budgeting, balancing that with making the most of summertime Chicago, finishing up with my apartment/room decorating, and setting aside whatever additional time I have to learn to cook. Oh, and gym regularly.

What motivates me and helps me be more productive every day is the reminder that I have so much to continuously work on. I want to do so much, and the key strategy to accomplish that is to do my best to balance everything. I have a running LIST of all the events or restaurants/bars I want to visit in the city (social butterfly side), and also a separate list of self-development plans and books (professional development/forever student side) my currently ambitious self wants to tackle. 

For somewhat of a summary, here are actions I have taken to work towards where I want to be in my new adult life: 

• I had trouble waking up earlier every day to my 6 alarms, so I decided to start taking vitamins, making coffee, and eating a snack every morning so I don't waste more money, and sleeping earlier (yes, that's the hardest one for me right now). 
• I knew I was vitamin D deficient based on where I live and the adjustment from life in California, but I also took the Care-Of quiz to see which supplements I could buy separately. So far, vitamin D/B-complex/Rhodiola have helped with my energy levels because that has been the biggest struggle for me. 
• I have a one hour and fifteen minute commute to and from work up north, and I have no regrets about that. Reading maps every day is allowing me to better understand the geography/streets of where things are laid out in Chicago, which wasn't always my forte. I listen to podcasts on Spotify, read a few pages of my book, and also save some time for dance videos/vlogs on YouTube. My friend Ishani introduced me to Morning Brew, so that's been my daily read, too. I say all this, but of course, I also nap. It's been a little better, but it's still a common occurrence. Classic Shannon move, I know.
• Podcasts that I've listened to so far: Finance podcasts by Bobby S., the SHE podcast by Jordan Lee Dooley (for self-development), Kwik Brain by Jim Kwik (mental sharpness), On Purpose by Jay Shetty (motivational/adulting), and Ep 73 of Asian Not Asian by Fumi Abe & Mic Nguyen
• Book: Good to Great, by Jim Collins 
• As for the gym, I have been increasing my visits at Equinox, getting myself to get to know the instructors and staff there so I feel more acquainted. I have to say, the classes offered at Equinox are top-notch and definitely a different experience than whatever classes I've tried before. I especially love the resistance band workouts, and I just recently tried a very dynamic RMT class and results in a solid full-body workout. I know that Equinox's membership adds up (as does so many other studios like CorePower, OrangeTheory, Studio Three, etc.), but if you'd be interested in a more in-depth explanation about gyms/fitness centers and how/why I picked Equinox, DM me or COMMENT below! 
• I think, overall, prioritizing myself for once has been a vital source of my own happiness. I don't mean being inconsiderate of others or being selfish. It's understanding that a genuinely happy me means a better friend, coworker, team member, or family member to everyone around me. 
• Work, gymming, and decorating my room have been my main priorities lately, but I also aim to develop and maintain other skills and interests. This is a part of the reason I want to document my journey/process on this blog, find time to skate one weekend, and eventually start editing some of the video footage I have for vlog montages.

Life has so much to offer, and I think that not enough people (including myself) take advantage of it. I'm doing what I can to slowly change my lifestyle and mindset so I can best optimize my independence and make the most of my time in the city. Who knows where I'll be a few years from now, right? I want to know that I put myself in front of opportunities to explore, develop, and also connect with the culture and people of this city. 

Here is the apartment list I made for moving into my first unfurnished apartment. Feel free to use as reference if you're moving, too. 

See you soon! 

Shan 

Transitions

Hey there,

The last time I was on here typing out my feelings was the end of my freshman year in 2016... Now the Class of 2018 is about to leave us and time will continue to fly by.

My undergraduate years have truly been the most exciting and rewarding years of my life so far, and I'm so glad I chose U of I to be my home during such a pivotal time of my life. I'd like to say that junior year has been the best so far, even with rough patches and struggles that are inevitable during the transition of growing up. I'm continuing to change and learn more about myself. I am putting myself out there by trying new things and meeting new people. From boba dates, hanging out on the quad, and studying in random buildings around campus, I've fallen in love with this familiarity. This campus of 45,000 undergrads has become a big family that will never be the same without the graduating seniors. The community of a collegetown is one of my favorite aspects of Champaign being isolated in the middle of nowhere. I love seeing recognizable faces everywhere, and a quick conversation or hug can really make a difference on a shitty day. With this realization, I've had time to look back with gratitude to everyone I've met over the last few years who have made even the smallest difference my life, positive and negative.

Everyone says to live in the present, to stop thinking about the past or the future so much. That's difficult, especially when there are days I despise waking up in the morning and I can't find the motivation to do anything. There are times I sit there waiting for my mood to adjust and so I can be happy. This only works on selective days, because most days result in more frustration with myself for wasting time hating my existence. This affects treasured moments with my friends, my commitment to my extra-curriculars, and stops me from pushing myself closer to what I am capable of accomplishing. This past semester, I finally realized I really have to do something about it before my four years of living out this college life comes to an end (thanks to the people who helped me get to this point).

Here's my advice to those who relate: don't be afraid to reach out to resources on campus, because there's so much that universities offer that aren't taken advantage enough. Throw away your pride or anything holding you back to find real SOLUTIONS to the problems you face so you can make the most of your twenties and live out the life you envision. I've tried for years to find my own solutions and to "fix" myself, and even when I've been stuck in the same cycle, I still was too stubborn to try anything else because I wanted to tell myself I could handle it on my own. Sometimes the people you least expect to help can really change your perspective on a lot of things. Go talk to your advisors, drop in during office hours, or make an appointment at the Counseling Center. Be vulnerable, share your thoughts and experiences, and give others a chance to get to know the real you. It helps. Do you what you need to do to give yourself the life you deserve, seriously! I am not saying I'm "cured" or that I never have a bad day, but knowing that I'm taking initiative and reaching out for help gives me hope and reassurance that things will work out in the end, even if I can't always picture it right now. Don't wait until you graduate to wish you did more when you were in school.

So many individuals with different backgrounds, majors, and personalities come together in college and there are many small moments that are taken for granted. Being able to meet so many unique people and seeing the variety of organizations we all contribute to inspires me to push myself and make myself as useful as I can. Illinois has given me so much, and I want to be a strong representation of what alumni from U of I can produce in the workplace and in life. As excited as I am to live out my last year and start a new adventure after college, with the senior class escaping through our fingers so soon, there's been a little bittersweet ache in my stomach every time I think about it. I'm sure the real adult world will be great with the newly-found independence and freedom, but never again will that many students live in all the apartment complexs within a 5-mile radius for friends to run over and hangout and study whenever. How often are we all going to pull allnighters together and order unhealthy food to the library late at night? Who will I hug and greet when we're all out, at a bar or at a dance show? I've grown so close to these people and even with efforts of staying in touch, the truth is, there will be some people I may never cross paths with again. It is the fact of life and I know I need to just suck it up, but nevertheless, I will miss you guys. Best of luck killing it out there in the adult world, and don't be a stranger!

Also shoutout to those graduating high school this year, I'm excited to see what you will accomplish wherever you go! Take everything in and really enjoy every opportunity and experience you encounter.

Ok I got a 1:30 final, goodbye -

Love,
Shan

February Thoughts

Life is about experiencing new things, taking risks, being bold, and making connections with other people. College is a very good place for all of those things to happen, but I feel like a lot of people do those things without having much thought behind it besides "having fun." I'm not saying that everything needs to be taken seriously all the time, but I believe in the meaningful memories created even during those temporary, brief moments in a conversation held with a stranger or during the times we step out of our comfort zones.

I've got 3 years and part of a semester left of my time in my undergrad life, and I want to make the most out of it. Time is going to fly by, and life is only going to get busier. This means that I need to stop overanalyzing so many aspects of my life, and just live a little. One of my teammates told me something I really like. She said "regrets aren't made, they are lived." I don't think this means to just disregard everything and go do things that I know I won't be proud of, but I interpret it as a way to follow my gut sometimes and be open-minded to change of perspectives and thoughts. Knowing myself and how I reflect, self-evaluate, and analyze every situation a lot through detailed emotional dissection, that isn't always a good thing. If being scared of making a regret is the only thing holding me back, then it's not quite worth it. My morals and values are still with me and will be with me for the rest of my life, but some tweaks here and there will help me grow more as a person.

I shouldn't be so afraid to try new things. Whether that is trying out a new class, finding a part-time job, going on a date, or going out with my friends and teammates. There are so many things in life that have a gray-scale but are only perceived as black and white because of the broad generalizations and the negative stigma created by society. As long as I take responsibility for myself and own up to decisions I make, sometimes experiencing something firsthand is the best way to make a personal judgment on it.

I am not trying to tell people how to live their life because they can do whatever they want without caring about what others will think, but to put more value in a connection made with someone even during a brief interaction can make a difference in the lifestyle of college and create a more genuine and real bond between people. There are many definitions of  what a "value" is, and there are confounding factors involved with everything I've been saying, but these are just the main thoughts that have been clouding my mind lately. If it doesn't make much sense, I apologize. This is still a work in progress.

Talk soon,
Shan