Ay, I've reached my first adulting milestone. It's been 6 months post-grad working in Chicago (Northbrook) now, and I can tell ya a lot has changed. It's a given that people continue to evolve as time passes, but I've never noticed this drastic of a change in myself before. My priorities have changed, my mindset has shifted, and I really don't have energy/time for bullshit. If you know me at all, it's crazy how far we've come, honestly.
Below are six things I've learned/realized over the last six months since graduation.
1. I care a lot more about money than I thought I would.
"It's not about the money, it's about doing what you love." What I've realized for me is, it's about earning the money so I can live the lifestyle I want and comfortably fund my experiences. Yes, I want to also enjoy what I'm doing in the professional setting but I, more importantly, I want to be good at it. There are inevitably going to be skillsets I wish I could be amazing at but doesn't come as naturally to me. If I have to spend excessively more time to learn and perfect a skill/role when my job on the line, that may cause more stress than joy at this point. Sometimes my pride/stubbornness gets in the way of being efficient with my talents. If you've seen the posts (@casualgrit) on the recent book I read, Good to Great by Jim Collins, Jim mentions the Hedgehog Concept in his research. Essentially, it is the intersection of passion, your economic engine ($), and what you're good at that will create peak success. For me, this resonated and has driven the change in how I view my financial goals in life. There's still a long way to go, but realizing what my first steps are is a good start.
2. Time spent in the office/on the commute drains my energy more than I had anticipated.
In high school, many of us had workouts/sports practice before school at 8am, finished school around 3-4pm and continued on with 3-4 other extra-curriculars before studying and completing homework in the eveing. College was a different story (iykyk), but when I started my 8:30-4pm job, I assumed I would have time and energy to do a lot more and be productive after work. Unfortunately, I am a deteriorating human being and it is now essential I receive my prime 7+ hours of sleep and caffeine to get me through my day. After work? Oh my... it's considered a good day if I go to the gym and find the energy to cook dinner. Then I'm cashed. Out of the 5-6 things I want to "work on" after I get home from work, I can only realistically check 2-3 items off my list. Bullet journaling has helped me prioritize a lot, but that is another post comin' up soon.
3a. The personal projects/goals I've ruminated on for years are taking action now with my new lens of "not wanting to live a boring adult life."
I needed the push of adulting and more given alone time...to figure out my blog. Read more. Journal consistently. Be better overall, etc. During the past 4 years, I've thought about all these facets of my life I want to improve and work on but I never had the discipline to buckle down and act on them. Distractions were welcome, and my social-ass self wanted in on ALL boba dates, study sessions at Grainger/Cafe Bene, or any opportunity to "enjoy the full university experience." No regrets looking back, but I truly would've walked away with the same memory of college even if I said "no" a few times and marked some alone time to work on personal projects. However, the past is in the past. Next for me now? Maybe a build a website to compile all my lists/documents/blogs/pages (if you have tips or HTML books, please reach out!)
3b. I want to learn about everything. Almost too much.
There is no longer any excuse I can hide behind to say that I am still a "kid" and "don't know things." Honestly, I am still a child, but I need to survive in the real world independently now. I have a sudden determination to soak up knowledge on how to succeed on a corporate path, learn about investing/money management, be educated on LITERALLY EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE. Fitness. Insurance. Cars. Apartment hunting. Personal growth. Cooking. Furniture. News. Business. Leadership. Retail trends. Technology. Energy management. Reality TV (lol). You name it. I don't want to be a noob anymore, but I might be cramming a little too much too quickly.
If I could give my college self some advice, it would be to PAY ATTENTION to 10% more of whatever I was involved with in college. Whether it's during formal class settings, during team practices on ice, or part-time jobs on campus. There are plenty of life/business lessons I could've learned if I was just a little more attentive. Life all ties together some way some form, and it can be beneficial in the long run to have paid more attention. Professors are experts in their classes, and I have a lot more in-depth curious questions I would ask now if I could. Don't avoid asking for help, or attending office hours.
4. Not seeing my friends all the time is actually OKAY. I really value spending quality time with people who I vibe with...and that's about it.
My biggest fear and worry towards the end of my senior year was not being able to find people to hang around whenever I wanted. A huge benefit of living on campus in the middle of cornfields was how easily accessible everything/everyone was. I was so sad to leave it, but honestly, I am fine with it now. I don't have energy or time Mondays-Thursdays after work anyway, because I need to be a functioning adult. I am okay for naturally set boundaries to see friends on the weekends, or to plan ahead a little to meet up. I appreciate those moments more, and I am more confident in myself to be okay being alone. I look forward to being alone. It's relaxing and very comforting. I might sound crazy to some people because I wouldn't have said any of this 6 months ago, but I know a lot of friends and coworkers have expressed similar thoughts since we left school.
Personalities are not going to change as drastically as maybe they did entering college. We all know we won't get along with everyone on this planet, but being in a college town, there was still a priority to address drama and to figure out little details to ensure sure all relationships were going smoothly and all conflict resolved if possible. We have the rest of our lives to live and so many people on this planet who are on the same wavelength. We can respect differences without having to drain energy and limited time every day agreeing to disagree. This is not to say to not associate with people with different thoughts, but entering drama to stop it isn't going to work. We've all tried.
5. I don't need to stress so much at work day-to-day but I do need to set short-term/long-term professional goals.
It's totally normal to freak out over small things and sometimes feel like you're playing catch-up (you're not the only entry-level employee that feels this way). When I first started (and now sometimes), I worked at home after coming back from the office just because I knew it took me a little longer to finish certain deliverables. There were times I read too much into emails from my team/manager and felt like I wasn't up to par. Sometimes, I just know I am not utilizing all 8 hours of my workday to the max productivity I am capable of. Especially transitioning from college schedules, it took months of adjustment for me to find a work routine that works for me, while still tweaking it from time to time.
This feeling will eventually go away, or I hope it will because I have noticed my anxiety lowering as weeks go by. There will be good days and bad ones, but every moment is just a learning experience. Even if a presentation or pitch doesn't go as planned, we've gotta pick ourselves back up and show up the next day. It is what it is, and the more we can let go of the small nuances, the more focus there will on productive professional development.
6. Taking ownership of my work-life balance supplemented by the exercise of discipline is crucial.
No one is going to tell me how I have to live my life. Messy or clean, up to me. Healthy or degenerate, up to me. Busy or relaxed, up to me. Career-focused or life experience focused, up to me. 100% of my life is up to me, and so many different things work for different people. I have to be self-aware and decide on what I want in for myself, then go after it.
Discipline is the #1 priority I want to incorporate into all aspects of my life right now. I'm not pro at it yet, but it's inevitably too important to disregard at this point if I want to get to where I want to be in the short-term and long-term. Here's to trying, haha.
If you're in college or finishing up, know that everything will work out. Seriously, time doesn't just heal pain/scars, it also broadens horizons and pulls away from the intensity of fear of the unknown. Stress less, and enjoy the process (as Peter says to the girls in the Bachelor). Just like when we all freaked out about college when we were high school minions, the same goes for adulthood. More might be on the line now, but we're also more capable than we were 4+ years ago. Or I'd at least hope so!
'Till next time,
Shan
Showing posts with label mainlyshan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mainlyshan. Show all posts
Friday, February 14, 2020
Monday, December 30, 2019
My Stop-Doing List
Hey there,
I really wish I had 20/20 vision. Hindsight 20/20. Roarin' 20s Part 2. Haha jk, sorry I had to.
Of course, a typical end-of-the-year post to start off the new year "right." Could I be more predictable? It's cliche to create resolutions for the new year, and some may argue it's overrated. I agree to a certain extent, but I also can't help it but reflect on the year ending and take note of actionable items I want to hopefully accomplish in the new year. Especially for the start of a new decade.
I am a fan of documenting and connecting with others, and that is a big part of why I even periodically blog or stay active on my socials. I also use it to hold myself accountable, and for self-reflection and... of course, to entertain my nostalgic moments. I have big plans for the new year, and I figured I'd just mark 'em here so we can all see how close I reach my goals. Share yours with me if you're willing, I'd love some peer motivation. Seriously, I need all the help I can get.
I read somewhere that a "stop doing" list is arguably more effective than a to-do list in isolation, so here's my stop-doing list for the new year.
I really wish I had 20/20 vision. Hindsight 20/20. Roarin' 20s Part 2. Haha jk, sorry I had to.
Of course, a typical end-of-the-year post to start off the new year "right." Could I be more predictable? It's cliche to create resolutions for the new year, and some may argue it's overrated. I agree to a certain extent, but I also can't help it but reflect on the year ending and take note of actionable items I want to hopefully accomplish in the new year. Especially for the start of a new decade.
I am a fan of documenting and connecting with others, and that is a big part of why I even periodically blog or stay active on my socials. I also use it to hold myself accountable, and for self-reflection and... of course, to entertain my nostalgic moments. I have big plans for the new year, and I figured I'd just mark 'em here so we can all see how close I reach my goals. Share yours with me if you're willing, I'd love some peer motivation. Seriously, I need all the help I can get.
I read somewhere that a "stop doing" list is arguably more effective than a to-do list in isolation, so here's my stop-doing list for the new year.
1. Stop consuming unnecessary sugars (pop, candy, etc.) // No more candy, and limit pop to once a week or only as chaser
2. Avoid impulse purchases // Let it sit for 24 hours before purchasing, and actually make returns for items you didn't want
2. Avoid impulse purchases // Let it sit for 24 hours before purchasing, and actually make returns for items you didn't want
3. Stop dwelling or overthinking when you can't control results // Get over it!! When it's unproductive. Set a time limit of how long you're going to let it affect you
4. Stop under-utilizing your gym membership // Gym minimum 4 times a week, every week
5. Stop making excuses to not cook // Only eat out max 2 times a week (meal prep)
5. Stop making excuses to not cook // Only eat out max 2 times a week (meal prep)
5. Stop staying up past 10:45 on weekdays // Just do it.
6. Stop leaving my "Future Reads" list long and untouched // One book a month
7. Stop being lax about monthly finance check-ins // Just do it. Find ways to continue reducing expenses, and find a way to make an allowance income
8. Stop being afraid of your own dreams and "big" goals // bullet journal, consistent blogging/video documenting
9. Don't compromise your own happiness to appease others // Stand up for your own mental health, self-care basics
10. Stop misusing tension, inconsistencies, and stress to create obstacles for yourself to avoid more important issues // Be aware of old patterns/habits, & don't allow yourself to go back to toxic but comfortable cycles
I love planners, playing around with fonts/typography, journaling, and I am looking for a new hobby.. So I will be attempting to start a bullet journal this new year, with these 10 things as core principles to "live" by in 2020. I'll keep you updated on how things go! Hit me up with any tips at all, or inspiration.
Happy happy new year. Do some good this year. Stop fretting about the petty shit, be nice to others. Forgive when you can, and keep working on being the most authentic version you can be.
Love ya,
Shan
7. Stop being lax about monthly finance check-ins // Just do it. Find ways to continue reducing expenses, and find a way to make an allowance income
8. Stop being afraid of your own dreams and "big" goals // bullet journal, consistent blogging/video documenting
9. Don't compromise your own happiness to appease others // Stand up for your own mental health, self-care basics
10. Stop misusing tension, inconsistencies, and stress to create obstacles for yourself to avoid more important issues // Be aware of old patterns/habits, & don't allow yourself to go back to toxic but comfortable cycles
I love planners, playing around with fonts/typography, journaling, and I am looking for a new hobby.. So I will be attempting to start a bullet journal this new year, with these 10 things as core principles to "live" by in 2020. I'll keep you updated on how things go! Hit me up with any tips at all, or inspiration.
Happy happy new year. Do some good this year. Stop fretting about the petty shit, be nice to others. Forgive when you can, and keep working on being the most authentic version you can be.
Love ya,
Shan
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Putting it in Perspective
Hey, there. Props to you for actually clicking on my self-promo link on Insta or Snapchat (it's @shannonylee, by the way. Hahahaa). I hope you enjoyed the kick-off to this holiday season! I was lucky enough to spend an entire EIGHT days back home in Northern California, where it rained five of the days I was present. And no, I do not hold any responsibility for bringing the "cold, Chicago" weather over there. Nice try. Although I low-key did miss Chicago a little. This was my first break since I started adult-working, so it felt bizarre not going back to Champaign to squad up with my buddies in preparation for finals.
What did I do this break? No one asked. But I'll tell you anyway. I had wayyyy too much boba and ramen. The options here are endless. My friends know how much I love it, so grabbing tea or coffee is usually a top suggestion every hangout. I just can't resist.
I've had one of the best times back in the Bay this time around. I'm really appreciative of the circle of friends I have here. Even though I chose to be in the Midwest to experience more of a different environment and be independent, it's been nice catching up and looking back on our growth over the years and also sharing our current lives in different cities. It's inspiring to me to hear what other people are up to, and it motivates me to keep my own shit together. My sister started college an hour away from home, so I was able to watch the Cal vs Standford football game with her and I also paid a visit to her campus. We're able to relate on a lot more topics now that she's going through the undergrad experience, beyond topics of ice skating and family activities. I think it's been one of the most positive changes I've noticed in my life thus far.
Speaking of change, I've collected a few dusty drafts for this blog now because I haven't been feeling really inspired to write or edit. I feel myself having spurts of inspiration because there's been a decent amount of change in my life and my mindset and I want to update on it, but it's been challenging articulating everything in words. Honestly, I also feel like this blog catches me at my sappier and emotional moments, even if it's obviously not all-encompassing of my thoughts. I enjoy expressing myself (even oversharing sometimes) on this platform because it's a relaxed, low-pressure avenue to project my inner thoughts onto something tangible. It can be challenging and uncomfortable being vulnerable, but it's always a good exercise to let go of self-judgment and fear for what others think. Content sharing and social media isn't everyone's thing, but it's always been an outlet for me to relate to others and I've noticed how it initiates conversations that may have been harder to transition during casual conversation.
I decided to type something up from this week so at least the time spent thinking about all this didn't go to waste. Specifically, the culmination of events that flooded the news this year. As 2019 soon comes to an end, I figured it was appropriate to utilize some of these thoughts as a leading point in the next year in terms of what I want to work on. We all know about the innocent lives lost through mass shootings/gun violence, and a lot of us have been impacted by the most recent passing of a UIC student during Thanksgiving week. I usually try not to ruminate too long on these topics because I know I can't change what happened. I personally didn't know Ruth George, but I feel deep frustration, hopelessness, and anger. I can't even begin to fathom the numbness of her loved ones through this loss. With all of the violence in this world, tension overseas, and the increase of serious climate issues.. it is overwhelming to grasp the profound issues occurring all around the globe.
I've also clocked a few hours watching competition tv series like World of Dance and SYTCD. It might not seem relevant at all that I just brought up, but there were numerous stories highlighting inspiring stories about the adversities contestants faced. They still find the will to live their dreams, pursue their passions, and touch people with their hard work & talent.
Now relating this back to my personal journey. My main question from all of that is.. What the FUCK am I doing to really get to where I want? I know it's always a work in progress, and I can still be happy with where I am now. But I also know I am lazy, moody, and emotional half the time. I get easily distracted and sleepy, then wake up the next day wishing I had done more.
I digress. Anyway, the point is, shit happens. Life can be bumpy sometimes. But as previously mentioned, life isn't about comparing pain and hardships. Despite all that, even with everything going on in the world today, people conquer their own personal demons every day to get shit done. I have a few comments for myself, and for anyone who finds this relatable. Either way, this is here to hold myself accountable.
Let go of the trivial shit. Gossip, petty shit, moodiness can add texture in life, and it can sometimes be addicting. We all have moments we need to vent or complain, but it's too prevalent in our lives. Even when we all know how immature it is, it still happens. I don't think people even realize when they're doing it, but it becomes a bonding activity when people don't know what to talk about. Usually, there are underlying causes that aren't fixed and won't be fixed if all we do is pick at the rotting band-aid. It is totally valid to express thoughts and stand up for yourself in certain situations, but there's definitely a line not to cross. I personally don't want to too much of my limited time on other people's problems. I have too many of my own.
Secondly, if you have dreams or ideas itching in the back of your mind for you to try, just PURSUE them. There are a million excuses you could use, and yes, it can be daunting. But you will never know how it feels until you are crossing that bridge, and simplifying the goal from A to B may help to eliminate the excuses that are there for no reason. I have a lot of goals I want to make in terms of learning new skillsets (coding, video, fitness/health) that I've been mumbling to myself in my sleep on how I want to start it. How many real steps have I taken to achieve them? Point five. Do I have anything life-threatening things hindering me from it? No. So I really who to blame except for my own, damn self. That SO needs to change. New Years' resolution inspiration? Who knows.
Okay, those are the two main things I've thought about for now. It's getting late. Have a good week, happy Hump Day.
See ya,
Shan
What did I do this break? No one asked. But I'll tell you anyway. I had wayyyy too much boba and ramen. The options here are endless. My friends know how much I love it, so grabbing tea or coffee is usually a top suggestion every hangout. I just can't resist.
I've had one of the best times back in the Bay this time around. I'm really appreciative of the circle of friends I have here. Even though I chose to be in the Midwest to experience more of a different environment and be independent, it's been nice catching up and looking back on our growth over the years and also sharing our current lives in different cities. It's inspiring to me to hear what other people are up to, and it motivates me to keep my own shit together. My sister started college an hour away from home, so I was able to watch the Cal vs Standford football game with her and I also paid a visit to her campus. We're able to relate on a lot more topics now that she's going through the undergrad experience, beyond topics of ice skating and family activities. I think it's been one of the most positive changes I've noticed in my life thus far.
Speaking of change, I've collected a few dusty drafts for this blog now because I haven't been feeling really inspired to write or edit. I feel myself having spurts of inspiration because there's been a decent amount of change in my life and my mindset and I want to update on it, but it's been challenging articulating everything in words. Honestly, I also feel like this blog catches me at my sappier and emotional moments, even if it's obviously not all-encompassing of my thoughts. I enjoy expressing myself (even oversharing sometimes) on this platform because it's a relaxed, low-pressure avenue to project my inner thoughts onto something tangible. It can be challenging and uncomfortable being vulnerable, but it's always a good exercise to let go of self-judgment and fear for what others think. Content sharing and social media isn't everyone's thing, but it's always been an outlet for me to relate to others and I've noticed how it initiates conversations that may have been harder to transition during casual conversation.
I decided to type something up from this week so at least the time spent thinking about all this didn't go to waste. Specifically, the culmination of events that flooded the news this year. As 2019 soon comes to an end, I figured it was appropriate to utilize some of these thoughts as a leading point in the next year in terms of what I want to work on. We all know about the innocent lives lost through mass shootings/gun violence, and a lot of us have been impacted by the most recent passing of a UIC student during Thanksgiving week. I usually try not to ruminate too long on these topics because I know I can't change what happened. I personally didn't know Ruth George, but I feel deep frustration, hopelessness, and anger. I can't even begin to fathom the numbness of her loved ones through this loss. With all of the violence in this world, tension overseas, and the increase of serious climate issues.. it is overwhelming to grasp the profound issues occurring all around the globe.
I've also clocked a few hours watching competition tv series like World of Dance and SYTCD. It might not seem relevant at all that I just brought up, but there were numerous stories highlighting inspiring stories about the adversities contestants faced. They still find the will to live their dreams, pursue their passions, and touch people with their hard work & talent.
Now relating this back to my personal journey. My main question from all of that is.. What the FUCK am I doing to really get to where I want? I know it's always a work in progress, and I can still be happy with where I am now. But I also know I am lazy, moody, and emotional half the time. I get easily distracted and sleepy, then wake up the next day wishing I had done more.
I digress. Anyway, the point is, shit happens. Life can be bumpy sometimes. But as previously mentioned, life isn't about comparing pain and hardships. Despite all that, even with everything going on in the world today, people conquer their own personal demons every day to get shit done. I have a few comments for myself, and for anyone who finds this relatable. Either way, this is here to hold myself accountable.
Let go of the trivial shit. Gossip, petty shit, moodiness can add texture in life, and it can sometimes be addicting. We all have moments we need to vent or complain, but it's too prevalent in our lives. Even when we all know how immature it is, it still happens. I don't think people even realize when they're doing it, but it becomes a bonding activity when people don't know what to talk about. Usually, there are underlying causes that aren't fixed and won't be fixed if all we do is pick at the rotting band-aid. It is totally valid to express thoughts and stand up for yourself in certain situations, but there's definitely a line not to cross. I personally don't want to too much of my limited time on other people's problems. I have too many of my own.
Secondly, if you have dreams or ideas itching in the back of your mind for you to try, just PURSUE them. There are a million excuses you could use, and yes, it can be daunting. But you will never know how it feels until you are crossing that bridge, and simplifying the goal from A to B may help to eliminate the excuses that are there for no reason. I have a lot of goals I want to make in terms of learning new skillsets (coding, video, fitness/health) that I've been mumbling to myself in my sleep on how I want to start it. How many real steps have I taken to achieve them? Point five. Do I have anything life-threatening things hindering me from it? No. So I really who to blame except for my own, damn self. That SO needs to change. New Years' resolution inspiration? Who knows.
Okay, those are the two main things I've thought about for now. It's getting late. Have a good week, happy Hump Day.
See ya,
Shan
Monday, May 16, 2016
To Freshman Year
One of my continuous goals in life is to be able to make a positive impact on someone's life. Whether that's being there for someone when they least expect it, being a genuine person, being a good friend, or just being a reason for someone to smile or laugh, it makes my heart happy knowing that I have the ability to make even the smallest difference.
Since this school year has come to a close, I've been thinking about the impact others have made on me this past year. Emotionally, the year had its rough moments. There were times I felt alone even though I knew I had people in my life that cared, and there were times I couldn't find a reason to smile or even search for something to be happy about. However, I don't want to focus on those moments because there were many more high moments than there were low points. I know I am only done with a quarter of my time here at U of I, but I've already met so many new people, learned so many new things, and experienced so much more than I would've ever imagined 9 months ago.
Before I start listing a timeline from this year, I want to note that if you are reading this, know that I appreciate even our smallest interactions. Whether that was a few seconds of a conversation, a shared inside joke, or just a smile and a wave, I'm glad we met. Sometimes those small gestures make a really big difference in my day, so thank you.
Now to the two people I met in the bathroom during orientation, I'm thankful you guys were my first friends in college. I will miss our crazy moments in your guys' room. I will treasure the memory of finding your I-card under your bed. I will miss our silly talks about boys, and us laughing like maniacs for no reason.
To the Lynbrook classmates that also attend University of Illinois, you are the people who make me feel the comfort of home even though we are so many states away. It's been comforting seeing your faces around campus, even if it was only for a glimpse. I'm happy we can see each other accomplish many things and progress over the next 3 years. We will always look out for each other, even from a distance, no matter where life takes us. Once Vikings, always Vikings.
To the teammates that life has placed in my life, thank you or sharing a passion for ice skating with me this past season. I can't wait for more wild nights and insane road trips. I'm thankful that I'm able to experience a new aspect of the sport even beyond my high school years. You guys have all become more than teammates, but friends I know I can count on with other aspects in life. We may have a diverse range of personalities, but one thing for sure is that we're all weirdos and I love that about team. I promise I'll work on making it to morning practices on time, haha.
To the peeps of Weston, Ike, and the 6-pack, I'll miss seeing all of us gather at the Ike to study late at night or meet at the couches to swipe in for meals (when we do, of course). I'll miss the all-nighters leading up to Ike breakfast, and the 57 food rampages. Even the daily encounters and small talks in the bathrooms and the familiarity of freshman faces at the commons will be missed. I will still be around the 6 pack next year (go Nugent?), but many of us will be dispersed amongst the apartments around campus. I've enjoyed the people I've met because of the dorm communities, and I hope we'll still cross paths in the future.
To social media and everyone I'm connected to because of it... thanks for the group message flames, the silent Skype calls to keep my company, the hilarious gifs, the gateway to keeping in touch with high school buddies, and the few moments of fame on the campus story. I will treasure these memories, always.
To the few who have been there to listen and to share your thoughts, your advice, and your experiences. You have taught me to learn from the past and to be proud of who I am now but to continue to grow in the future. I really do take what you guys say to heart, and I appreciate the raw openness of the conversations we've had, and I can't thank you enough.
To the people who helped me experience many firsts, thank you for sharing a life experience with me, and a being there for a few (or many) moments of my college journey. It's during these adventurous days and nights when I really participate in the beauty of life. Thank you for opening my eyes to different perspectives, and for helping me grow more as an individual.
With a few more years left of our time at U of I, I hope we continue to grow and learn from each other. I'm appreciative of all that I've learned this year, and I'm excited to see where life takes us with the semesters to come. Congrats to all 2016 graduates. Best of luck in the real world. :-)
I-L-L, I-N-I.
Shan
Since this school year has come to a close, I've been thinking about the impact others have made on me this past year. Emotionally, the year had its rough moments. There were times I felt alone even though I knew I had people in my life that cared, and there were times I couldn't find a reason to smile or even search for something to be happy about. However, I don't want to focus on those moments because there were many more high moments than there were low points. I know I am only done with a quarter of my time here at U of I, but I've already met so many new people, learned so many new things, and experienced so much more than I would've ever imagined 9 months ago.
Before I start listing a timeline from this year, I want to note that if you are reading this, know that I appreciate even our smallest interactions. Whether that was a few seconds of a conversation, a shared inside joke, or just a smile and a wave, I'm glad we met. Sometimes those small gestures make a really big difference in my day, so thank you.
Now to the two people I met in the bathroom during orientation, I'm thankful you guys were my first friends in college. I will miss our crazy moments in your guys' room. I will treasure the memory of finding your I-card under your bed. I will miss our silly talks about boys, and us laughing like maniacs for no reason.
To the Lynbrook classmates that also attend University of Illinois, you are the people who make me feel the comfort of home even though we are so many states away. It's been comforting seeing your faces around campus, even if it was only for a glimpse. I'm happy we can see each other accomplish many things and progress over the next 3 years. We will always look out for each other, even from a distance, no matter where life takes us. Once Vikings, always Vikings.
To the teammates that life has placed in my life, thank you or sharing a passion for ice skating with me this past season. I can't wait for more wild nights and insane road trips. I'm thankful that I'm able to experience a new aspect of the sport even beyond my high school years. You guys have all become more than teammates, but friends I know I can count on with other aspects in life. We may have a diverse range of personalities, but one thing for sure is that we're all weirdos and I love that about team. I promise I'll work on making it to morning practices on time, haha.
To the peeps of Weston, Ike, and the 6-pack, I'll miss seeing all of us gather at the Ike to study late at night or meet at the couches to swipe in for meals (when we do, of course). I'll miss the all-nighters leading up to Ike breakfast, and the 57 food rampages. Even the daily encounters and small talks in the bathrooms and the familiarity of freshman faces at the commons will be missed. I will still be around the 6 pack next year (go Nugent?), but many of us will be dispersed amongst the apartments around campus. I've enjoyed the people I've met because of the dorm communities, and I hope we'll still cross paths in the future.
To social media and everyone I'm connected to because of it... thanks for the group message flames, the silent Skype calls to keep my company, the hilarious gifs, the gateway to keeping in touch with high school buddies, and the few moments of fame on the campus story. I will treasure these memories, always.
To the few who have been there to listen and to share your thoughts, your advice, and your experiences. You have taught me to learn from the past and to be proud of who I am now but to continue to grow in the future. I really do take what you guys say to heart, and I appreciate the raw openness of the conversations we've had, and I can't thank you enough.
To the people who helped me experience many firsts, thank you for sharing a life experience with me, and a being there for a few (or many) moments of my college journey. It's during these adventurous days and nights when I really participate in the beauty of life. Thank you for opening my eyes to different perspectives, and for helping me grow more as an individual.
With a few more years left of our time at U of I, I hope we continue to grow and learn from each other. I'm appreciative of all that I've learned this year, and I'm excited to see where life takes us with the semesters to come. Congrats to all 2016 graduates. Best of luck in the real world. :-)
 |
| Freshman year at University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign |
I-L-L, I-N-I.
Shan
Saturday, February 6, 2016
February Thoughts
Life is about experiencing new things, taking risks, being bold, and making connections with other people. College is a very good place for all of those things to happen, but I feel like a lot of people do those things without having much thought behind it besides "having fun." I'm not saying that everything needs to be taken seriously all the time, but I believe in the meaningful memories created even during those temporary, brief moments in a conversation held with a stranger or during the times we step out of our comfort zones.
I've got 3 years and part of a semester left of my time in my undergrad life, and I want to make the most out of it. Time is going to fly by, and life is only going to get busier. This means that I need to stop overanalyzing so many aspects of my life, and just live a little. One of my teammates told me something I really like. She said "regrets aren't made, they are lived." I don't think this means to just disregard everything and go do things that I know I won't be proud of, but I interpret it as a way to follow my gut sometimes and be open-minded to change of perspectives and thoughts. Knowing myself and how I reflect, self-evaluate, and analyze every situation a lot through detailed emotional dissection, that isn't always a good thing. If being scared of making a regret is the only thing holding me back, then it's not quite worth it. My morals and values are still with me and will be with me for the rest of my life, but some tweaks here and there will help me grow more as a person.
I shouldn't be so afraid to try new things. Whether that is trying out a new class, finding a part-time job, going on a date, or going out with my friends and teammates. There are so many things in life that have a gray-scale but are only perceived as black and white because of the broad generalizations and the negative stigma created by society. As long as I take responsibility for myself and own up to decisions I make, sometimes experiencing something firsthand is the best way to make a personal judgment on it.
I am not trying to tell people how to live their life because they can do whatever they want without caring about what others will think, but to put more value in a connection made with someone even during a brief interaction can make a difference in the lifestyle of college and create a more genuine and real bond between people. There are many definitions of what a "value" is, and there are confounding factors involved with everything I've been saying, but these are just the main thoughts that have been clouding my mind lately. If it doesn't make much sense, I apologize. This is still a work in progress.
Talk soon,
Shan
I've got 3 years and part of a semester left of my time in my undergrad life, and I want to make the most out of it. Time is going to fly by, and life is only going to get busier. This means that I need to stop overanalyzing so many aspects of my life, and just live a little. One of my teammates told me something I really like. She said "regrets aren't made, they are lived." I don't think this means to just disregard everything and go do things that I know I won't be proud of, but I interpret it as a way to follow my gut sometimes and be open-minded to change of perspectives and thoughts. Knowing myself and how I reflect, self-evaluate, and analyze every situation a lot through detailed emotional dissection, that isn't always a good thing. If being scared of making a regret is the only thing holding me back, then it's not quite worth it. My morals and values are still with me and will be with me for the rest of my life, but some tweaks here and there will help me grow more as a person.
I shouldn't be so afraid to try new things. Whether that is trying out a new class, finding a part-time job, going on a date, or going out with my friends and teammates. There are so many things in life that have a gray-scale but are only perceived as black and white because of the broad generalizations and the negative stigma created by society. As long as I take responsibility for myself and own up to decisions I make, sometimes experiencing something firsthand is the best way to make a personal judgment on it.
I am not trying to tell people how to live their life because they can do whatever they want without caring about what others will think, but to put more value in a connection made with someone even during a brief interaction can make a difference in the lifestyle of college and create a more genuine and real bond between people. There are many definitions of what a "value" is, and there are confounding factors involved with everything I've been saying, but these are just the main thoughts that have been clouding my mind lately. If it doesn't make much sense, I apologize. This is still a work in progress.
Talk soon,
Shan
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Winter Resolutions
Hey! It's been another while since I last posted on here, but I honestly just didn't think of anything specific I really wanted to post about. My mind has been scattered all over the place, and my thoughts have never been very organized. Not that that's a surprise. But here I am.
It's the holiday season, and it's been fun experiencing some snow and lower temperatures (at least for now it's been okay) because it feels like a real winter for the first time. The sun sets around five now, so it's dark out when I take walks around Champaign and see people wrapped up in their heavy winter coats and the see the warm breaths fade into the evening sky. There's a very wintery feel to it.
It's not the new year yet, but I have been thinking about resolutions so that I can improve myself and can start living the life I want to live right now, instead of later. I always put things off, because I never feel like it's the "right time," or ever feel that I'm ready, even though I need to start somewhere and just go for the ideal life I want. I mean, after all, life is short. Right?
After coming to college, I realize that a lot of decisions are completely in my own hands; how many hours I want to sleep, how often I want to work out, what I eat, what I want to be involved in, how I want to organize my room... I have no more excuses that should stop me from doing what I want and I need to really try to figure myself out.
Overthinking and overanalyzing is a blessing but it is also one of the main things I know that is hindering me from taking ahold of opportunities that come my way, or from discovering and appreciating the hidden treasures in life.
Here's a list of self-improvement, or just a list of general goals that I want to work on for the winter, the new year, and the rest of my life:
1. Get to know strangers - yes, I know not all strangers are nice and friendly, but majority of the time, it is nice getting to know other people that I might not otherwise have a chance to talk to. Most of the time, random conversations are the ones that bring new insight into my life and keep me open-minded and more eager to learn.
2. Accept what I can't change, and do my best to change what I don't like - self explanatory, but it's definitely easier said than done. Life is just too short to complain all day without taking action, and whining about things I have no control over when instead, I have countless things to be thankful for.
3. Forgive and forget easier. Get over it - my moodiness is crazy unpredictable sometimes, and it's stressful for myself and for others to have to deal with it. I want to work on letting go of small problems that won't matter 10 years from now, because people's emotions get in the way often and that causes more issues than there should be.
4. Eat healthier, sleep more - this is a very basic one, but a really important one. What I eat can affect my mood throughout the day, and sleeping more can keep me more energized throughout the day so I can be more productive. I was vegan for about a month, and although I stopped, I want to continue being aware of what I am eating and aim to eat less meat and less packaged foods (to help with the environment even if it's just a tiny difference).
5. Exercise at least 45 minutes every day - this hasn't been too hard to keep up. It feels good after working out every day, and sweating a little bit while clearing my mind. Plus, if I'm paying so much for school, I might as well use all the resources provided on campus.
There are obviously a lot more, but those were the first five that popped in my head.
What do you think you would put on your list of things in your life you'd like to change? Let me know!
See ya,
Shan
It's the holiday season, and it's been fun experiencing some snow and lower temperatures (at least for now it's been okay) because it feels like a real winter for the first time. The sun sets around five now, so it's dark out when I take walks around Champaign and see people wrapped up in their heavy winter coats and the see the warm breaths fade into the evening sky. There's a very wintery feel to it.
It's not the new year yet, but I have been thinking about resolutions so that I can improve myself and can start living the life I want to live right now, instead of later. I always put things off, because I never feel like it's the "right time," or ever feel that I'm ready, even though I need to start somewhere and just go for the ideal life I want. I mean, after all, life is short. Right?
After coming to college, I realize that a lot of decisions are completely in my own hands; how many hours I want to sleep, how often I want to work out, what I eat, what I want to be involved in, how I want to organize my room... I have no more excuses that should stop me from doing what I want and I need to really try to figure myself out.
Overthinking and overanalyzing is a blessing but it is also one of the main things I know that is hindering me from taking ahold of opportunities that come my way, or from discovering and appreciating the hidden treasures in life.
Here's a list of self-improvement, or just a list of general goals that I want to work on for the winter, the new year, and the rest of my life:
1. Get to know strangers - yes, I know not all strangers are nice and friendly, but majority of the time, it is nice getting to know other people that I might not otherwise have a chance to talk to. Most of the time, random conversations are the ones that bring new insight into my life and keep me open-minded and more eager to learn.
2. Accept what I can't change, and do my best to change what I don't like - self explanatory, but it's definitely easier said than done. Life is just too short to complain all day without taking action, and whining about things I have no control over when instead, I have countless things to be thankful for.
3. Forgive and forget easier. Get over it - my moodiness is crazy unpredictable sometimes, and it's stressful for myself and for others to have to deal with it. I want to work on letting go of small problems that won't matter 10 years from now, because people's emotions get in the way often and that causes more issues than there should be.
4. Eat healthier, sleep more - this is a very basic one, but a really important one. What I eat can affect my mood throughout the day, and sleeping more can keep me more energized throughout the day so I can be more productive. I was vegan for about a month, and although I stopped, I want to continue being aware of what I am eating and aim to eat less meat and less packaged foods (to help with the environment even if it's just a tiny difference).
5. Exercise at least 45 minutes every day - this hasn't been too hard to keep up. It feels good after working out every day, and sweating a little bit while clearing my mind. Plus, if I'm paying so much for school, I might as well use all the resources provided on campus.
There are obviously a lot more, but those were the first five that popped in my head.
What do you think you would put on your list of things in your life you'd like to change? Let me know!
See ya,
Shan
Monday, August 24, 2015
1st Week of College on the Cornfields
I've been on campus for six days now, and the first day of college starts today. I have a lot going through my head, and I am not sure I'm going to be able to articulate the emotions and feelings that I'm experiencing, but I'll try.
The day before move-in day, I was freaking out. I had never been in Illinois before, not to mention being on the gigantic campus. I only knew that there would be a lot of corn, and that the winter time would be harsh. I didn't know if I'd feel like home here, or if I'd like that it was kind of in the middle of nowhere.
The last week has gone way above my expectations and it has been filled with new adventures, new friends (yes, I'm actually making new friends!), and the start of independence of living on my own.
I am loving being a student at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign. The diversity is real, and the people are friendly. I feel like I am part of a true community, not just a person looking in from the outside. The school spirit is deafening, and I feel proud to be walking on the campus as a student here. The college town is beautiful, and I am loving seeing green grass instead of brown grass all around campus. The weather is perfect for me (until September that is). I know the winter is going to get brutal, but for now I'm just appreciating the California weather over here. It actually might even be better than Cali weather. There's been a nice breeze going through every day, and even when there are overcast skies, the temperature is still warm enough that I can go out in shorts and a sleeveless shirt.
I have been spotting my high school classmates often, and it makes me happy to be able to re-unite with them, even if it's only for a couple minutes. I'm also enjoying trying new things, exploring, and making new connections with people that grew up in completely different states and have very different backgrounds. I'm learning that we have much more in common than we think we do, especially with the sense of humor I have.
There are a lot of amazing restaurants and PMT spots on Green St., and the food I eat are walked off every time I need to get somewhere by feet. The campus is huge, so I've been walking at least 10,000 steps a day. I don't see the need to go to the gym anymore. Being a student, I am realizing how many discounts we get and I am happy to take 'em. Free admission into a lot of events, discounts on food or store items, and not needing to pay to ride the buses (that's a definite must) or cheap admission into the skating rink makes the college tuition a little more worth it, that is... if I actually get out of my dorm to explore what's out there. I've eaten a lot of free meals, gotten free t-shirts, attended grad night-like events (the LateNighter), and attended my first service event here (we painted the outside building walls at "Salt & Light Ministries
- check them out: http://www.saltandlightministry.org/). There are always a large number of people at each event, because the school is so big. This is nice because it is guaranteed that I will meet people with the same passion and interest I have for something. There are so many other things I can do on campus including bowling, rock-climbing, beach volleyball, watch performances at the Krannert Hall, go to poster sales, attend open mics, or attend mixers and block parties. I don't ever have to worry that I'm the one person out of super small group of people interested in going to an event.
The #1 question I've been getting from people here is, "Why pick Illinois over California?"
I tell them I want to put myself out there, and really experience life as much as I can the next four years. If I don't like it, I can move back. This entire four-year journey is a rare chance, because I'd never come to Urbana-Champaign just as a tourist, or to "sight-see" the corn fields. Even if I only visit a friend for a few days, it wouldn't compare to experience as really living on campus and being a part of the student community here. Seeing orange and blue everywhere, the colors are definitely growing on me more and more each day. I'm bleeding blue and orange, and I haven't even taken my first test yet or met my classmates of the semester.
Yes, Illinois is the #1 party school (people go "trick-or-treating" at night often - if you don't get it, it's okay. It's my own term, haha). But Illinois is also the #1 community I'm glad to be a part of. Most of the 43,603 students on campus are strangers to me, but people are friendly, they are looking out for me, and we are all in this together. Most of the people I talked to this past week, I probably will never see again, but I think there's beauty in that. They may influence me and make a difference without even knowing it. The only thing really bringing us together is our identity with the U of I (I've been getting used to calling it that more, instead of UIUC or saying the full name like I did back home).
Besides a service program, an Asian American club, and ice skating, I might also join a religious group. I went to a Christian fellowship group last night, and I was surprised I got myself there somehow. I haven't been to church consistently in a couple years, and I've been on and off with my faith because I feel that it's too complicated for me to deal with and I have too many questions to figure it out. I'll keep an open mind, and we'll see where this goes.
My dorm is starting to feel like my home (and I'm actually staying pretty neat/organized...for now), and I can shout, "I-N-I," pretty confidently when I hear someone say "I-L-L." The next four years on this campus, in the college town, is going to be the best yet and I really want to take advantage of it. I want to go to events, try new things, meet new people every day. The only thing is that I hope I keep my word to that so I don't let the four years fly by with only stressful and routine days. I am so thankful I have the opportunity to experience college life like this, and the independence factor is frightening but exhilarating. I'm eventually going to have to be fully responsible for myself, and college is definitely a good transition. After college, the career starts (hopefully) and things get real. I'm sure the experience will be rewarding too, but for now I think college is the perfect balance between independence/responsibility, and fun/exploration.
I love this college town, and I can't wait to make the most out of the next four years I have here. I am excited to see how this journey shapes and moves me, and I hope I learn to enjoy everything that happens, positive and negative. This orientation week has gone by way to fast, and I can't believe my first day of college classes start today.
There are so many "nooks" on campus I'm excited to discover throughout the next four years, and too many restaurants I want to try out.
I don't know if I said everything I wanted to say, but I think I got a good chunk of it out of my system. I'm gonna head off to class soon, so see ya!
Best of luck to the upcoming school year,
Shan
P.S- I'm missing all of my friends and family back home! It's weird saying "back home," because I feel like I'm only a couple miles away at some summer camp. You can look forward to another post from me soon, because I'll probably write another post when reality hits me and I start feeling really homesick.
P.P.S- If you're interested in seeing my daily life on campus through pictures, here's a link to the site: https://shanillini.wordpress.com/ It's a project that is part of my ART105 class, Visual Design for non-majors. I'm having a fun start, but I'm also up so late because of this, haha.
The day before move-in day, I was freaking out. I had never been in Illinois before, not to mention being on the gigantic campus. I only knew that there would be a lot of corn, and that the winter time would be harsh. I didn't know if I'd feel like home here, or if I'd like that it was kind of in the middle of nowhere.
The last week has gone way above my expectations and it has been filled with new adventures, new friends (yes, I'm actually making new friends!), and the start of independence of living on my own.
I am loving being a student at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign. The diversity is real, and the people are friendly. I feel like I am part of a true community, not just a person looking in from the outside. The school spirit is deafening, and I feel proud to be walking on the campus as a student here. The college town is beautiful, and I am loving seeing green grass instead of brown grass all around campus. The weather is perfect for me (until September that is). I know the winter is going to get brutal, but for now I'm just appreciating the California weather over here. It actually might even be better than Cali weather. There's been a nice breeze going through every day, and even when there are overcast skies, the temperature is still warm enough that I can go out in shorts and a sleeveless shirt.
I have been spotting my high school classmates often, and it makes me happy to be able to re-unite with them, even if it's only for a couple minutes. I'm also enjoying trying new things, exploring, and making new connections with people that grew up in completely different states and have very different backgrounds. I'm learning that we have much more in common than we think we do, especially with the sense of humor I have.
There are a lot of amazing restaurants and PMT spots on Green St., and the food I eat are walked off every time I need to get somewhere by feet. The campus is huge, so I've been walking at least 10,000 steps a day. I don't see the need to go to the gym anymore. Being a student, I am realizing how many discounts we get and I am happy to take 'em. Free admission into a lot of events, discounts on food or store items, and not needing to pay to ride the buses (that's a definite must) or cheap admission into the skating rink makes the college tuition a little more worth it, that is... if I actually get out of my dorm to explore what's out there. I've eaten a lot of free meals, gotten free t-shirts, attended grad night-like events (the LateNighter), and attended my first service event here (we painted the outside building walls at "Salt & Light Ministries
- check them out: http://www.saltandlightministry.org/). There are always a large number of people at each event, because the school is so big. This is nice because it is guaranteed that I will meet people with the same passion and interest I have for something. There are so many other things I can do on campus including bowling, rock-climbing, beach volleyball, watch performances at the Krannert Hall, go to poster sales, attend open mics, or attend mixers and block parties. I don't ever have to worry that I'm the one person out of super small group of people interested in going to an event.
The #1 question I've been getting from people here is, "Why pick Illinois over California?"
I tell them I want to put myself out there, and really experience life as much as I can the next four years. If I don't like it, I can move back. This entire four-year journey is a rare chance, because I'd never come to Urbana-Champaign just as a tourist, or to "sight-see" the corn fields. Even if I only visit a friend for a few days, it wouldn't compare to experience as really living on campus and being a part of the student community here. Seeing orange and blue everywhere, the colors are definitely growing on me more and more each day. I'm bleeding blue and orange, and I haven't even taken my first test yet or met my classmates of the semester.
Yes, Illinois is the #1 party school (people go "trick-or-treating" at night often - if you don't get it, it's okay. It's my own term, haha). But Illinois is also the #1 community I'm glad to be a part of. Most of the 43,603 students on campus are strangers to me, but people are friendly, they are looking out for me, and we are all in this together. Most of the people I talked to this past week, I probably will never see again, but I think there's beauty in that. They may influence me and make a difference without even knowing it. The only thing really bringing us together is our identity with the U of I (I've been getting used to calling it that more, instead of UIUC or saying the full name like I did back home).
Besides a service program, an Asian American club, and ice skating, I might also join a religious group. I went to a Christian fellowship group last night, and I was surprised I got myself there somehow. I haven't been to church consistently in a couple years, and I've been on and off with my faith because I feel that it's too complicated for me to deal with and I have too many questions to figure it out. I'll keep an open mind, and we'll see where this goes.
My dorm is starting to feel like my home (and I'm actually staying pretty neat/organized...for now), and I can shout, "I-N-I," pretty confidently when I hear someone say "I-L-L." The next four years on this campus, in the college town, is going to be the best yet and I really want to take advantage of it. I want to go to events, try new things, meet new people every day. The only thing is that I hope I keep my word to that so I don't let the four years fly by with only stressful and routine days. I am so thankful I have the opportunity to experience college life like this, and the independence factor is frightening but exhilarating. I'm eventually going to have to be fully responsible for myself, and college is definitely a good transition. After college, the career starts (hopefully) and things get real. I'm sure the experience will be rewarding too, but for now I think college is the perfect balance between independence/responsibility, and fun/exploration.
I love this college town, and I can't wait to make the most out of the next four years I have here. I am excited to see how this journey shapes and moves me, and I hope I learn to enjoy everything that happens, positive and negative. This orientation week has gone by way to fast, and I can't believe my first day of college classes start today.
There are so many "nooks" on campus I'm excited to discover throughout the next four years, and too many restaurants I want to try out.
I don't know if I said everything I wanted to say, but I think I got a good chunk of it out of my system. I'm gonna head off to class soon, so see ya!
Best of luck to the upcoming school year,
Shan
P.S- I'm missing all of my friends and family back home! It's weird saying "back home," because I feel like I'm only a couple miles away at some summer camp. You can look forward to another post from me soon, because I'll probably write another post when reality hits me and I start feeling really homesick.
P.P.S- If you're interested in seeing my daily life on campus through pictures, here's a link to the site: https://shanillini.wordpress.com/ It's a project that is part of my ART105 class, Visual Design for non-majors. I'm having a fun start, but I'm also up so late because of this, haha.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Leaving for College
Well, hello there. Here I am again, blogging late at night when I'm getting emotional about something that is happening in my life. I remember wanting to write a blog post on the last 50 days of high school, and here I am feeling knotted about my last summer before college ending already. I want to embrace change, get out of my comfort zone and really experience as much of life as I can. I want to meet new people, open my mind to see more of the world, and learn what it's like to be independent. But I also don't want to do any of that.
In about 24 hours, I'll be all packed up, ready to head to Illinois to start my first year of college. I'm typing this during my last night in my own bed at home. It's sad for me to even think about.
I'm leaving my comfortable home, my family, my good friends, my cats I sometimes neglect, my job, my high school, and all the memories that's been created around the Bay Area the last 18 years. I'd say I had a pretty decent summer, but I just wish time would slow down a little.
I'm going to miss being sassy with my sister. I'm going to miss seeing her skate. I'm scared that I'll come back and she'll be way too tall for my liking and not be the "little" sister I've been with all this time. Seeing her grow up so fast makes it even worse. She's already starting high school, and she's becoming more mature than me (not that I've set a very high standard, but still).
I've been driving almost every day this summer with my dad, who taught me how to drive so that I passed my license test this past Monday (FINALLY)! I was happy that I passed but I was also sad that I'd never drive around with my dad for no reason anymore, other than to get some hours of driving practice whenever we could. It's an odd feeling, working with my dad all summer with the goal of getting my license and then actually finally getting it. And even though it's probably tiring and tedious for him, I'm going to miss getting rides from him from work, to counseling, to volunteering, back to home almost every day of the school year. I'm going to miss sleeping in the car holding a half-eaten breakfast while he drives me to the rink for early morning practices, and eating lunch with him at Creekside park before he drops me off at the empty rink to skate in the early afternoon. I'm going to miss the bowl of fruit he gives me almost every night in addition to the one he packs for me to bring to school (which is also why I made friends in high school). I already miss jogging with him on Wednesday mornings before late start, too.
My mom and I got closer this summer, and she's been through a lot with me. She was there for me for every milestone in my life so far. Every competition, every test, and every change of plan. Even when she knew I was probably going on the path less traveled, she stuck with me even through all my mistakes and all the problems I created for myself. I remember when I was younger and would want to sleep with her in her room, and when she bought me gym membership and invite me to go to 24 Hours Fitness with her. I'm so thankful I have her in my life, because without her I honestly don't know what I'd do. She planned all of my extra-curriculars, activities, and camps as a kid and I'd say I had a pretty fulfilling childhood because of that. Some days I'd come home to smoothies and lunches she prepared for me, even though I already went out to each lunch with my classmates. And even though I only homeschooled for a half a year, it made a pretty big difference in my life. She was also flexible enough to let me go back to public school once I figured out homeschooling wasn't for me.
Our family road trips to National parks, annual ski trips up in Tahoe, and monthly bike rides are all just memories that I'll look back on when I'm an adult reminiscing on my childhood. Or when I'm an incoming college student feeling homesick and freaking out about things I have no control over.
Okay, I'm know I'm just being nostalgic. And even though I have a knot in my stomach already, I'm positive I'll be fine once I step on campus. I'll learn my way around, and I'll eventually get used to living in my new home for the next four years. It's just a crazy thought knowing that things in my life are about to change so drastically and they will never be the same again. I don't trust myself enough to feel ready for all of that right now.
The connections I've made with the people here I will never forget, and I am so glad I've been able to meet the people I have met. Although some connections have fallen apart, some have only grown stronger. I can only be grateful for all the experiences and the moments I've had with these people. If you're reading this post, thanks for caring enough to click on my posts and actually read through all of these.
Also, if you've ever given me a ride, I appreciate it. Chat me up around break and I'll return the favor when we hangout, haha.
'Till next time, San Jose--
Shan
In about 24 hours, I'll be all packed up, ready to head to Illinois to start my first year of college. I'm typing this during my last night in my own bed at home. It's sad for me to even think about.
I'm leaving my comfortable home, my family, my good friends, my cats I sometimes neglect, my job, my high school, and all the memories that's been created around the Bay Area the last 18 years. I'd say I had a pretty decent summer, but I just wish time would slow down a little.
I'm going to miss being sassy with my sister. I'm going to miss seeing her skate. I'm scared that I'll come back and she'll be way too tall for my liking and not be the "little" sister I've been with all this time. Seeing her grow up so fast makes it even worse. She's already starting high school, and she's becoming more mature than me (not that I've set a very high standard, but still).
I've been driving almost every day this summer with my dad, who taught me how to drive so that I passed my license test this past Monday (FINALLY)! I was happy that I passed but I was also sad that I'd never drive around with my dad for no reason anymore, other than to get some hours of driving practice whenever we could. It's an odd feeling, working with my dad all summer with the goal of getting my license and then actually finally getting it. And even though it's probably tiring and tedious for him, I'm going to miss getting rides from him from work, to counseling, to volunteering, back to home almost every day of the school year. I'm going to miss sleeping in the car holding a half-eaten breakfast while he drives me to the rink for early morning practices, and eating lunch with him at Creekside park before he drops me off at the empty rink to skate in the early afternoon. I'm going to miss the bowl of fruit he gives me almost every night in addition to the one he packs for me to bring to school (which is also why I made friends in high school). I already miss jogging with him on Wednesday mornings before late start, too.
My mom and I got closer this summer, and she's been through a lot with me. She was there for me for every milestone in my life so far. Every competition, every test, and every change of plan. Even when she knew I was probably going on the path less traveled, she stuck with me even through all my mistakes and all the problems I created for myself. I remember when I was younger and would want to sleep with her in her room, and when she bought me gym membership and invite me to go to 24 Hours Fitness with her. I'm so thankful I have her in my life, because without her I honestly don't know what I'd do. She planned all of my extra-curriculars, activities, and camps as a kid and I'd say I had a pretty fulfilling childhood because of that. Some days I'd come home to smoothies and lunches she prepared for me, even though I already went out to each lunch with my classmates. And even though I only homeschooled for a half a year, it made a pretty big difference in my life. She was also flexible enough to let me go back to public school once I figured out homeschooling wasn't for me.
Our family road trips to National parks, annual ski trips up in Tahoe, and monthly bike rides are all just memories that I'll look back on when I'm an adult reminiscing on my childhood. Or when I'm an incoming college student feeling homesick and freaking out about things I have no control over.
Okay, I'm know I'm just being nostalgic. And even though I have a knot in my stomach already, I'm positive I'll be fine once I step on campus. I'll learn my way around, and I'll eventually get used to living in my new home for the next four years. It's just a crazy thought knowing that things in my life are about to change so drastically and they will never be the same again. I don't trust myself enough to feel ready for all of that right now.
The connections I've made with the people here I will never forget, and I am so glad I've been able to meet the people I have met. Although some connections have fallen apart, some have only grown stronger. I can only be grateful for all the experiences and the moments I've had with these people. If you're reading this post, thanks for caring enough to click on my posts and actually read through all of these.
Also, if you've ever given me a ride, I appreciate it. Chat me up around break and I'll return the favor when we hangout, haha.
'Till next time, San Jose--
Shan
Saturday, July 25, 2015
YouTube Watchin'
There's only three weeks left of my summer before college starts (kinda really insane) and sadly, I've been spending quite a bit of my summer staying in bed until the afternoon watching YouTube videos. It probably isn't the ideal activity I want to be doing with the freedom I have left, but I think the YouTube community is pretty great and I'm in awe how creating videos and posting them online can have such an impact on people's lives anywhere in the world. It allows ideas to be shared, new trends to start, and more people to come together and support each other. It has been the hype of the last couple of years. The community is rapidly growing and developing, probably even quicker than the rate of the new iPhone releases.
I'm currently subscribed to 29 channels. Here's a list of 7 channels I've really been enjoying lately. Check them out if you want! I also left their YouTube channel links so you don't need to search them up.
1. Shaytards (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJZ7f6NQzGKZnFXzFW9y9UQ)
About: A crazy & super outgoing guy named Shay vlogging about his life with his wife & 5 kids. He runs marathons and does Crossfit.
Why I watch: He has a young heart, a great positive spirit, and I like the way he lives his life. He is passionate about what he wants to do, and it is easy to tell that he tries his best to be a better person every day when I see the way he reflects and contemplates about life with his family. He has a genuine bond with his family, and the kids are adorable and their videos never get boring.
2. Zoella (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWRV5AVOlKJR1Flvgt310Cw)
About: A beauty guru from the UK. She has a pet pug. Girlfriend of "PointlessBlog" AKA Alfie.
Why I watch: I've been following her videos and blogs for a while now, and I never get tired of watching her videos. I think her haul videos are interesting, and even when she makes videos addressing anxiety or other subjects less beauty-related, I enjoy hearing what she has to say. I read her first fictional novel (Girl Online), and it was a really enjoyable read. Here are some quotes from her book I put on my Page Connections blog: http://pageconnections.blogspot.com/2015/01/girl-online-by-zoe-sugg.html. And her British accent only helps.
3. Keaton Milburn (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqLwTUD5rw7woS1Oi1W5H3Q)
About: A high school vlogger & beauty YouTuber.
Why I watch: She's closer in age to most of the other YouTubers I watch, so I feel like I relate to her easier. She doesn't seem like just a teenage girl who is making videos just to try and make it big or become super famous, but she seems down-to-earth and someone I could get along with in real life.
4. Jacksgap (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTqEu1wZDBju2tHkNP1dwzQ)
About: British twins who love to travel the world (and visit exotic places) and share moments of their trips with the rest of the world. They are good at producing their artsy-looking, creative, intriguing, and unique videos.
Why I watch: I've been subscribed to Jacksgap since Jack's first video, and I've watched every single video since. They aren't the typical YouTubers that update weekly and do silly and funny videos (although they definitely have a decent amount on their channel), but they upload quality content for sure. I've enjoyed seeming them grow and mature over the years and see the really cool projects they are involved in. I admire that they really live to enjoy the present, and even though they didn't take the conventional path with their education or career, they are making it work for themselves and working hard to get where they want to.
5. JoshuaDTV (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeNfkWyfEXpZ8d1DmvwDt_w)
About: Entertaining vlogger, who is trying to vlog 365 days of his life non-stop. He is also the husband of Colleen (MirandaSings). He really likes eating kale.
Why I watch: I started watching his vlogs just a couple days ago. He's funny, he has a cute and candid relationship with Colleen, and every time I finish one of his vlogs, I just want to watch more.
6. MoreWongFu (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFIPBP94wEfZemSaonc9-0g)
About: The second channel of "WongFu Productions." "Wongfu" started from 3 Asian-American friends who made short films about romance. Just a couple weeks ago, they released their first movie, "Everything Before Us." They are involved in a lot of different Asian-American communities online as well.
Why I watch: There are two shows on here I enjoy watching - "Lunch Break" and "Offline." They haven't posted much on their main channel because (I'm assuming) most of their efforts were focused on producing and filming their movie. I've been thoroughly enjoying their second channel videos, while I sit through their conversations while they are on lunch break, or see what happens during a typical day in the office at the WongFu Productions.
7. Superwoman (https://www.youtube.com/user/IISuperwomanII/featured)
About: Canadian vlogger & content creator who does a great job acting as her parents sometimes (her parent's react videos are hilarious). She created "Unicorn Island," which I think is pretty cool.
Why I watch: Both of our names start with "S." But that's not the only reason I watch her videos. She is extremely relatable and I crack up in most of her videos, no joke. She does a lot of "Types of.." or "My Parents React..." videos. She uploads every Monday & Thursday. And she does t-shirt references. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go watch her videos!
I swear YouTube isn't the only thing I've been up to this summer....... ?@&%
Thanks for reading all of that! Let me know what you think of the channels^.
See ya soon,
Shan
I'm currently subscribed to 29 channels. Here's a list of 7 channels I've really been enjoying lately. Check them out if you want! I also left their YouTube channel links so you don't need to search them up.
1. Shaytards (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJZ7f6NQzGKZnFXzFW9y9UQ)
About: A crazy & super outgoing guy named Shay vlogging about his life with his wife & 5 kids. He runs marathons and does Crossfit.
Why I watch: He has a young heart, a great positive spirit, and I like the way he lives his life. He is passionate about what he wants to do, and it is easy to tell that he tries his best to be a better person every day when I see the way he reflects and contemplates about life with his family. He has a genuine bond with his family, and the kids are adorable and their videos never get boring.
2. Zoella (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWRV5AVOlKJR1Flvgt310Cw)
About: A beauty guru from the UK. She has a pet pug. Girlfriend of "PointlessBlog" AKA Alfie.
Why I watch: I've been following her videos and blogs for a while now, and I never get tired of watching her videos. I think her haul videos are interesting, and even when she makes videos addressing anxiety or other subjects less beauty-related, I enjoy hearing what she has to say. I read her first fictional novel (Girl Online), and it was a really enjoyable read. Here are some quotes from her book I put on my Page Connections blog: http://pageconnections.blogspot.com/2015/01/girl-online-by-zoe-sugg.html. And her British accent only helps.
3. Keaton Milburn (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqLwTUD5rw7woS1Oi1W5H3Q)
About: A high school vlogger & beauty YouTuber.
Why I watch: She's closer in age to most of the other YouTubers I watch, so I feel like I relate to her easier. She doesn't seem like just a teenage girl who is making videos just to try and make it big or become super famous, but she seems down-to-earth and someone I could get along with in real life.
4. Jacksgap (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTqEu1wZDBju2tHkNP1dwzQ)
About: British twins who love to travel the world (and visit exotic places) and share moments of their trips with the rest of the world. They are good at producing their artsy-looking, creative, intriguing, and unique videos.
Why I watch: I've been subscribed to Jacksgap since Jack's first video, and I've watched every single video since. They aren't the typical YouTubers that update weekly and do silly and funny videos (although they definitely have a decent amount on their channel), but they upload quality content for sure. I've enjoyed seeming them grow and mature over the years and see the really cool projects they are involved in. I admire that they really live to enjoy the present, and even though they didn't take the conventional path with their education or career, they are making it work for themselves and working hard to get where they want to.
5. JoshuaDTV (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeNfkWyfEXpZ8d1DmvwDt_w)
About: Entertaining vlogger, who is trying to vlog 365 days of his life non-stop. He is also the husband of Colleen (MirandaSings). He really likes eating kale.
Why I watch: I started watching his vlogs just a couple days ago. He's funny, he has a cute and candid relationship with Colleen, and every time I finish one of his vlogs, I just want to watch more.
6. MoreWongFu (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFIPBP94wEfZemSaonc9-0g)
About: The second channel of "WongFu Productions." "Wongfu" started from 3 Asian-American friends who made short films about romance. Just a couple weeks ago, they released their first movie, "Everything Before Us." They are involved in a lot of different Asian-American communities online as well.
Why I watch: There are two shows on here I enjoy watching - "Lunch Break" and "Offline." They haven't posted much on their main channel because (I'm assuming) most of their efforts were focused on producing and filming their movie. I've been thoroughly enjoying their second channel videos, while I sit through their conversations while they are on lunch break, or see what happens during a typical day in the office at the WongFu Productions.
7. Superwoman (https://www.youtube.com/user/IISuperwomanII/featured)
About: Canadian vlogger & content creator who does a great job acting as her parents sometimes (her parent's react videos are hilarious). She created "Unicorn Island," which I think is pretty cool.
Why I watch: Both of our names start with "S." But that's not the only reason I watch her videos. She is extremely relatable and I crack up in most of her videos, no joke. She does a lot of "Types of.." or "My Parents React..." videos. She uploads every Monday & Thursday. And she does t-shirt references. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go watch her videos!
I swear YouTube isn't the only thing I've been up to this summer....... ?@&%
Thanks for reading all of that! Let me know what you think of the channels^.
See ya soon,
Shan
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
SFIT.
I honestly don't know where to even begin.. I'm just feel kind of numb right now. When I landed last night, it finally hit me that my two and half year journey with the Junior team of San Francisco Ice Theatre had just officially ended.
I like being a part of a team sport, and I love the sport of figure skating even more. I didn't have any of those things in the beginning of my Sophomore year. Having the opportunity to join SFIT before Nationals of 2013 was probably the best thing that happened to me during my time in high school.
There isn't really way for me to describe what it feels like to be on a team like SFIT, and I don't think I'll be forgetting that feeling any time soon. Every practice, every fall, every victory, and every tear has become a part of who we are, and what we accomplish as a team. The encouragement and passion on the team helps us stay together even when the game (chess game?) gets rough and frustration seeps through.
Sitting in the arena in Hobart, Ohio, after our CE skate, I remember our coach running up telling us we got 4th. And one day after that, the start of a 3-year streak began when we ended up winning overall that year. I wasn't there in the beginning of the season when the hard work was put into the creation and practice of the routines, but after being on the team the last couple of months leading up to Nationals, I knew I'd want to stay on the team as long as I could. And I did. Through two more wins and an experience I would never take back at Nations Cup 2015 (My post on my experience: http://mainlyshan.blogspot.com/2015/05/i-missed-six-full-days-of-school-to-be.html). I am so lucky to have been a part of all of this before the first win, and witness the growth of the team with the high standard we now set for ourselves and for the sport of Theatre on Ice skating three seasons later.
SFIT also has a Novice team now that I've gotten to know better this year, and I'm so glad the family is growing and that there is nothing but support for the blue and the yellow of SFIT. I am so proud of their hard work and accomplishments the last two years. Running over in our skate guards to watch Novice perform their freeskate right after an unofficial practice with our costumes resulted in some surprised and concerned looks, but it felt so rewarding being able to scream and cheer for them and say, "Yep, they are our teammates and we are the SFIT family." Theatre on Ice has also allowed many teams to bond, and I've met a few new friends from different teams I'll miss seeing in the future. Nations Cup bonded the three USA teams that went this year, and it was great being able to see them one more time.. Being able to cheer everyone on and trade pins with different skaters around the nation has been exciting. It's beautiful seeing so many encouraging skaters from different teams support each other.
Even though we are the San Francisco Ice Theatre, there are skaters on the Junior team come from Fremont, San Francisco, Cupertino, and Belmont. We may be known as the mostly "Asian" team, but we all come from pretty diverse backgrounds. It's interesting to see how close we can get just by seeing each other during early Saturday morning practices once a week. I'm glad we were all able to create one more memory together last weekend before the seniors of this year leave. One of the people left out of the memory from Nationals this year was Erin ..
I will miss being on the same team as Erin and skating alongside her. I'm going to miss our amazing coaches, Louis and Paige. I'm going to miss our silly but dedicated parents. I'm going to miss our less scratchy mazurkas, our Sharetea runs after SF practice, and our edge classes. I'm going to miss our good run-throughs, our rough practices, and our costume malfunctions. I'm going to miss jumping with masks and headpieces. I'm going to miss the Asian food for dinner, and the grapes. I'm going to miss off-ice with crazy teammates and the video reviews. I'm going to miss flooding a hotel with our loud voices and taking selfies. I'm going to miss our blue shirts. I'm going to miss the visualizations in the locker room before we skate. And I'm going to miss being a part the 24-member skater squad.
Life is supposed to move on, because with everything, there always comes an end. I can't avoid it, I'm supposed to accept it, but it's difficult. I don't feel like I'm going to be in Illinois three days before Skate San Francisco. I still imagine myself coming back to the auditions two months from now and anticipating a new season with new programs with the same people. Even though change is inevitable, I'm not sure I'm ready to accept this change after what SFIT has done for me and how much it has helped shape my life. Not to mention I love the people on the team a little bit too much.
I didn't want to end the season with a fall, but there are things that we can't control or predict or alter. I was able to skate with my family one last time and there's nothing I can say other than, "thank you." Thanks for the new bonds, new connections, new friends. Thanks for being so welcoming and for including me into the family. After 3 consecutive gold medals, amd 4 special awards, and a bid to Nations Cup in the last three years... Damn. The people that had the vision, the people that brought a team together, and the people that executed what needed to be done. That's SFIT for ya.
We'll have to see what the future brings us, yeah?
Shan
I like being a part of a team sport, and I love the sport of figure skating even more. I didn't have any of those things in the beginning of my Sophomore year. Having the opportunity to join SFIT before Nationals of 2013 was probably the best thing that happened to me during my time in high school.
There isn't really way for me to describe what it feels like to be on a team like SFIT, and I don't think I'll be forgetting that feeling any time soon. Every practice, every fall, every victory, and every tear has become a part of who we are, and what we accomplish as a team. The encouragement and passion on the team helps us stay together even when the game (chess game?) gets rough and frustration seeps through.
Sitting in the arena in Hobart, Ohio, after our CE skate, I remember our coach running up telling us we got 4th. And one day after that, the start of a 3-year streak began when we ended up winning overall that year. I wasn't there in the beginning of the season when the hard work was put into the creation and practice of the routines, but after being on the team the last couple of months leading up to Nationals, I knew I'd want to stay on the team as long as I could. And I did. Through two more wins and an experience I would never take back at Nations Cup 2015 (My post on my experience: http://mainlyshan.blogspot.com/2015/05/i-missed-six-full-days-of-school-to-be.html). I am so lucky to have been a part of all of this before the first win, and witness the growth of the team with the high standard we now set for ourselves and for the sport of Theatre on Ice skating three seasons later.
SFIT also has a Novice team now that I've gotten to know better this year, and I'm so glad the family is growing and that there is nothing but support for the blue and the yellow of SFIT. I am so proud of their hard work and accomplishments the last two years. Running over in our skate guards to watch Novice perform their freeskate right after an unofficial practice with our costumes resulted in some surprised and concerned looks, but it felt so rewarding being able to scream and cheer for them and say, "Yep, they are our teammates and we are the SFIT family." Theatre on Ice has also allowed many teams to bond, and I've met a few new friends from different teams I'll miss seeing in the future. Nations Cup bonded the three USA teams that went this year, and it was great being able to see them one more time.. Being able to cheer everyone on and trade pins with different skaters around the nation has been exciting. It's beautiful seeing so many encouraging skaters from different teams support each other.
Even though we are the San Francisco Ice Theatre, there are skaters on the Junior team come from Fremont, San Francisco, Cupertino, and Belmont. We may be known as the mostly "Asian" team, but we all come from pretty diverse backgrounds. It's interesting to see how close we can get just by seeing each other during early Saturday morning practices once a week. I'm glad we were all able to create one more memory together last weekend before the seniors of this year leave. One of the people left out of the memory from Nationals this year was Erin ..
I will miss being on the same team as Erin and skating alongside her. I'm going to miss our amazing coaches, Louis and Paige. I'm going to miss our silly but dedicated parents. I'm going to miss our less scratchy mazurkas, our Sharetea runs after SF practice, and our edge classes. I'm going to miss our good run-throughs, our rough practices, and our costume malfunctions. I'm going to miss jumping with masks and headpieces. I'm going to miss the Asian food for dinner, and the grapes. I'm going to miss off-ice with crazy teammates and the video reviews. I'm going to miss flooding a hotel with our loud voices and taking selfies. I'm going to miss our blue shirts. I'm going to miss the visualizations in the locker room before we skate. And I'm going to miss being a part the 24-member skater squad.
Life is supposed to move on, because with everything, there always comes an end. I can't avoid it, I'm supposed to accept it, but it's difficult. I don't feel like I'm going to be in Illinois three days before Skate San Francisco. I still imagine myself coming back to the auditions two months from now and anticipating a new season with new programs with the same people. Even though change is inevitable, I'm not sure I'm ready to accept this change after what SFIT has done for me and how much it has helped shape my life. Not to mention I love the people on the team a little bit too much.
I didn't want to end the season with a fall, but there are things that we can't control or predict or alter. I was able to skate with my family one last time and there's nothing I can say other than, "thank you." Thanks for the new bonds, new connections, new friends. Thanks for being so welcoming and for including me into the family. After 3 consecutive gold medals, amd 4 special awards, and a bid to Nations Cup in the last three years... Damn. The people that had the vision, the people that brought a team together, and the people that executed what needed to be done. That's SFIT for ya.
We'll have to see what the future brings us, yeah?
Shan
Monday, May 11, 2015
All That's Inside
Waters of tears
Mouths of dirt
As clear as clouds suffocating the sun
Emotion twirling from within and getting in the way
It consumes your mind
unwelcomed but won't leave
At times, no fucks are given
Other times, you care too much
It's a big deal and it's not
One sided story
Once the seed is planted
Even when you try to avoid it, it follows you
Justification does no justice
If people want to say something they will speak no matter what
Who wants to listen, you are shouting into nothing
Stares glares whispers
Nothing can be done
What will seem trivial years from now
Why such a bother now?
Both sides are valid
But no chances are given
A private situation
A public circle forms
Not their business
The wind blows the bad seeds onto the entire field
Conversations watering the seeds to help them sprout
Variety of stories and twisted vines
Speculation and curiosity
It's man versus man
Broken pieces
Root of misrepresentation and miscommunication
Revenge and anger
Actions from hurt
What's the point of all this?
One decision now suddenly defines all that you are, mistake or not
Faceless mockery
With every break of the stem
From what words are spit out
Seems careless and casual
But an unknown effect it has
Attempting to stay collected
Branches of friendship topple over
Some bind stronger with
support and understanding thank you
Cycle of negativity
Bubbling inside can't let it out
..Just tired.
Shan
*I typed this out on my notes in my phone and decided to share this with you guys. I wanted to this to be candid and real, so I left it in its choppy form. There are things none of us control, and a lot of the times emotions really do get in the way and ruins things for us. It's hard to forgive, it's hard to understand, but we all are human and go through similar situations at one point or another in our lives. If we put things in perspective, I suppose many situations aren't really that big of a deal. But when in the moment, it all feels too much.
Mouths of dirt
As clear as clouds suffocating the sun
Emotion twirling from within and getting in the way
It consumes your mind
unwelcomed but won't leave
At times, no fucks are given
Other times, you care too much
It's a big deal and it's not
One sided story
Once the seed is planted
Even when you try to avoid it, it follows you
Justification does no justice
If people want to say something they will speak no matter what
Who wants to listen, you are shouting into nothing
Stares glares whispers
Nothing can be done
What will seem trivial years from now
Why such a bother now?
Both sides are valid
But no chances are given
A private situation
A public circle forms
Not their business
The wind blows the bad seeds onto the entire field
Conversations watering the seeds to help them sprout
Variety of stories and twisted vines
Speculation and curiosity
It's man versus man
Broken pieces
Root of misrepresentation and miscommunication
Revenge and anger
Actions from hurt
What's the point of all this?
One decision now suddenly defines all that you are, mistake or not
Faceless mockery
With every break of the stem
From what words are spit out
Seems careless and casual
But an unknown effect it has
Attempting to stay collected
Branches of friendship topple over
Some bind stronger with
support and understanding thank you
Cycle of negativity
Bubbling inside can't let it out
..Just tired.
Shan
*I typed this out on my notes in my phone and decided to share this with you guys. I wanted to this to be candid and real, so I left it in its choppy form. There are things none of us control, and a lot of the times emotions really do get in the way and ruins things for us. It's hard to forgive, it's hard to understand, but we all are human and go through similar situations at one point or another in our lives. If we put things in perspective, I suppose many situations aren't really that big of a deal. But when in the moment, it all feels too much.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
International Ice
I missed six full days of school to be in Paris, France for a week and a half to compete with my Junior San Francisco Ice Theatre team at our first international competition, Nation's Cup (Ballet on Ice). It was the most fulfilling experience in my life so far.
During my spring break the week before our competition, I explored England and France with family. It was my first time in Europe, and I instantly fell in love with London. The landmarks in France are so intricate and beautiful, I can't imagine the history that goes behind all the architecture and design of the buildings and monuments.
After one week of traveling, the team met up at the Ibis hotel to start practices and prep for competition that week. We had packed schedules with 1-3 practices a day, and we rented a comfortable bus to help us transport back and forth from the hotel to the rink. I remember being super tired most of the time during competition week, but I also remember how surreal it felt to be in a foreign country with 20 of my brothers and sisters, competing with teams from around the world. We had 1-hour long unofficial practices to polish our two routines, and 10-minute official practices to do one run-through of our routines. I always feel that we are productive during these practices, because I can see the determination in everyone's eyes. Practices back home can be productive, but are usually (and expected to be) a lot more lax. We had solid practices all throughout the week, and we got a free afternoon on the Friday before the competition weekend.
I spent the afternoon going to the supermarket across from our hotel, and bought a box of grapes for 3 euros (I have to include this because I love grapes). My teammates and I sat in our hotel rooms talking about everything, laughing about the silliest things. Even though nothing extravagant happened that afternoon, I really did enjoy being able to talk to my teammates about things besides skating. Most of my teammates don't live in the same area back in California, and we don't get to spend much time outside of the rink.
We shared a dressing room with two other French teams that weren't in our division, and we sang along to their playlist and gave awkward greetings. We were much more comfortable with each other's company after three days of being in there, and it's funny how I noticed differences between their culture and ours, even with skating. There was a skater outside smoking a cigarette, and the girls and boys changed in front of each other quite openly. One of the coaches vaped in a tent, and I also noticed they had a better supply of food than we did. I don't think it's particularly good or bad, I find it interesting how we can have the same music taste half way across the globe, but still have many cultural differences as well.
During the 10-hour flight back home, I was reflecting upon this experience while I was sleeping (trust me, I was). Usually there is one big competition per year (Nationals), but this year we have the privilege to attend two. We will fly back out in June, and fight for another spot at Nation's Cup two years from now. It feels like the season is over for us, but it really isn't yet, thankfully. I am sad that this will my last year on the team with this set of people, who have now become more than just teammates, more than just family. They are benign tumors; they have become a part of who I am and there are no words to describe how much I will miss seeing them every week.
During my spring break the week before our competition, I explored England and France with family. It was my first time in Europe, and I instantly fell in love with London. The landmarks in France are so intricate and beautiful, I can't imagine the history that goes behind all the architecture and design of the buildings and monuments.
After one week of traveling, the team met up at the Ibis hotel to start practices and prep for competition that week. We had packed schedules with 1-3 practices a day, and we rented a comfortable bus to help us transport back and forth from the hotel to the rink. I remember being super tired most of the time during competition week, but I also remember how surreal it felt to be in a foreign country with 20 of my brothers and sisters, competing with teams from around the world. We had 1-hour long unofficial practices to polish our two routines, and 10-minute official practices to do one run-through of our routines. I always feel that we are productive during these practices, because I can see the determination in everyone's eyes. Practices back home can be productive, but are usually (and expected to be) a lot more lax. We had solid practices all throughout the week, and we got a free afternoon on the Friday before the competition weekend.
I spent the afternoon going to the supermarket across from our hotel, and bought a box of grapes for 3 euros (I have to include this because I love grapes). My teammates and I sat in our hotel rooms talking about everything, laughing about the silliest things. Even though nothing extravagant happened that afternoon, I really did enjoy being able to talk to my teammates about things besides skating. Most of my teammates don't live in the same area back in California, and we don't get to spend much time outside of the rink.
We shared a dressing room with two other French teams that weren't in our division, and we sang along to their playlist and gave awkward greetings. We were much more comfortable with each other's company after three days of being in there, and it's funny how I noticed differences between their culture and ours, even with skating. There was a skater outside smoking a cigarette, and the girls and boys changed in front of each other quite openly. One of the coaches vaped in a tent, and I also noticed they had a better supply of food than we did. I don't think it's particularly good or bad, I find it interesting how we can have the same music taste half way across the globe, but still have many cultural differences as well.
On Saturday, our first program competed against eight other teams in the Junior division. We cheered on for the two other USA teams, and I really loved hearing them cheer for us when we went on. It's interesting how the dynamic changes a lot at an international competition. During Nationals, all the teams are from USA so you see each team as a competitor. When we are all on foreign ice representing the same nation, the unity of the teams is really evident and for a moment we forget that we are still competing against each other, too. We were the fourth team to skate, and we skated right after Spacecoast Hurricanes, also a USA team. We did well, and we were only 0.75 points behind 1st place. I couldn't stop smiling and glancing up at the bright lights above us shining down over the packed bleachers with different-colored flags. At the end of the first day, the French teams had pushed us down to 6th place, 1.55 points away from 3rd place.
I could sense that the team was slightly stressed and unsure of what to feel about where we were in the standings, but we knew we weren't that far away from the other teams. When the second day of competition rolled around, we were all excited to skate our program from the previous Nationals, the "Crystal Planet" (Link to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7azmgnBPTzo). We've felt the power and impact of the program before, and I hoped we could replicate that. Before we stepped on ice, I felt a sense of calmness and excitement. It finally sunk in that I was actually on international ice, being a part of such an amazing team, realizing how meaningful this sport really is to me. The next couple of minutes was a blur, but I know I put everything out there the best I could, and was smiling to myself through all of it. I am so proud of the entire team, coaches and parents included. Our final placement was 6th, and although it would've been nice to have stepped on the podium, the placement really didn't mean much to me at that point.
A couple teammates and I escaped to a park right next to the rink while it was sprinkling outside, and breathed the fresh, misty air. I could feel the air fill my lungs and relax my entire body. We were having so much fun taking pictures, running around like idiots, and laughing our heads off we almost forgot about the awards ceremony.
All teams stepped on the ice for one last time for the awards ceremony, and it was like a big, social gathering with all the teams from Russia, France, USA, Mexico and a few other countries. We made human tunnels for the team that was being introduced to skate through, we talked to other teams and took pictures with them, and many phones were out capturing the last couple of hours of Nation's Cup 2015. We got back to the hotel pretty late, and after our team celebration, my friends and I pulled an all-nighter eating instant noodles and talking about the team's future and our team dynamic. I think we can all agree we thought it was pretty cool we had the opportunity to be together in that momen t in time, because things like this don't come by very often..
I could sense that the team was slightly stressed and unsure of what to feel about where we were in the standings, but we knew we weren't that far away from the other teams. When the second day of competition rolled around, we were all excited to skate our program from the previous Nationals, the "Crystal Planet" (Link to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7azmgnBPTzo). We've felt the power and impact of the program before, and I hoped we could replicate that. Before we stepped on ice, I felt a sense of calmness and excitement. It finally sunk in that I was actually on international ice, being a part of such an amazing team, realizing how meaningful this sport really is to me. The next couple of minutes was a blur, but I know I put everything out there the best I could, and was smiling to myself through all of it. I am so proud of the entire team, coaches and parents included. Our final placement was 6th, and although it would've been nice to have stepped on the podium, the placement really didn't mean much to me at that point.
A couple teammates and I escaped to a park right next to the rink while it was sprinkling outside, and breathed the fresh, misty air. I could feel the air fill my lungs and relax my entire body. We were having so much fun taking pictures, running around like idiots, and laughing our heads off we almost forgot about the awards ceremony.
All teams stepped on the ice for one last time for the awards ceremony, and it was like a big, social gathering with all the teams from Russia, France, USA, Mexico and a few other countries. We made human tunnels for the team that was being introduced to skate through, we talked to other teams and took pictures with them, and many phones were out capturing the last couple of hours of Nation's Cup 2015. We got back to the hotel pretty late, and after our team celebration, my friends and I pulled an all-nighter eating instant noodles and talking about the team's future and our team dynamic. I think we can all agree we thought it was pretty cool we had the opportunity to be together in that momen t in time, because things like this don't come by very often..
During the 10-hour flight back home, I was reflecting upon this experience while I was sleeping (trust me, I was). Usually there is one big competition per year (Nationals), but this year we have the privilege to attend two. We will fly back out in June, and fight for another spot at Nation's Cup two years from now. It feels like the season is over for us, but it really isn't yet, thankfully. I am sad that this will my last year on the team with this set of people, who have now become more than just teammates, more than just family. They are benign tumors; they have become a part of who I am and there are no words to describe how much I will miss seeing them every week.
One week back from the competition, and besides having a couple new friends on Instagram and keeping in touch with a skater from one of the French teams, not much has changed. Routine practices are back, and we are all recuperating so we can come back even stronger for Nationals.
Shan
Saturday, March 28, 2015
The Dark Hole
Some of us may have been there, and some of us might've peeked into it before. The dark hole is disease that spreads and infects our whole life and the people in it.
I went through something similar to that my Sophomore year of high school. I felt disconnected, helpless, angry, frustrated, upset, fake, stupid, and felt that it was an endless cycle that would never get better. I complained a lot about my school's environment, and started to care less about the people around me and started to care less about myself. I was pretty emotionless because it was the only way I found to cope with all the confusing emotions I was experiencing.
People saw me as a hard-worker, a girl who had her life together with plenty of extra-curriculars to keep herself busy, and someone who was always laughing and being happy, weird, and silly at the same time. When I tried to tell them how I was struggling to keep my chin up with a lot of things, they'd say, "Oh Shannon, I'm sure you're fine. I'm sure your grades aren't that bad, you are always so happy you'll definitely bounce back!" "Shannon, everyone is going through the same thing. Everyone is stressed. Don't worry so much about it, you're overthinking."
I wanted to scream back, "NO IT'S NOT FINE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AS ME. ARRGHGGH."
It's not their fault that they didn't know what exactly I was going through or how serious I was when I said I felt down; they only said it with good intentions. But it didn't help. Even people that sat down and talked to me or chatted me until 3 in the morning only helped temporarily. The cycle of the lack of sleep and negativity floating around in my mind was something I had to battle with 24/7, and no one could reach into my brain to take the pessimism out. One bad small thing could be thrown in the mix of the dark hole, and things would keep on adding up and getting worse.
Even now that I look back at it, I can't really pinpoint what happened or what went wrong. I felt like I couldn't really trust anyone with anything because judgment was inevitable, and even if people did try to empathize, a lot of the times they couldn't completely understand because not one situation was identical and finding people that could "relate" only seemed to be a greater obstacle.
Now that I have less than 50 school days of my high school career, I guess there are some things I realized over the last two years that I'd like to share:
1. No one can get you out of your dark hole but yourself. No one has a situation that is JUST like yours and can say the most perfect, inspirational, and wise words to help you get out of the hole completely.
2. Even if it is nice and sweet for a friend or family member to stay up really late talking to you about the things on your mind, there ARE people that are busy with their lives and might not be able to drop everything and sit there to listen. However, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you. Sometimes they just see what you let them see.. the side that is "fine."
3. Deciding to open up will usually bring you closer to your friends. It may seem daunting at times, but once you let go of what you've been cooping up inside for so long, it feels amazing. Trust me on that one.
4. Being straightforward is always helpful. If you act passive aggressive and expect people to GUESS what's going on in your mind, it's frustrating for both ends and usually ends with misunderstanding more than anything else.
5. There are times we all want to just "deal with it on our own" because we don't want to bother others, or don't trust others to understand or even want to understand... but letting emotions out and feeling something (even if it's pain and hurt), can be ultimately beneficial and help you feel a lot better, even if it's just for that one situation or problem.
6. Journal. Journaling your thoughts and venting out really helps because paper won't judge or get annoyed. After re-reading what you wrote, sometimes you'll realize how silly it was or you'll be able to put things into perspective and not feel as upset about it.
7. It's all about the way you see it. You can trick your mind into thinking a certain way, and change your perception about a problem.
I have more things I could type out, but I decided to stop at 7, haha. I'm not saying all of these things are 100% correct and must relate to everyone, but those are things I try to remind myself when things get rough for me.
Hopefully this may have helped some of you! Chat me or email me if you ever need someone to listen to your rants, stranger or not. I'm not kidding.
Happy Saturday?
Shan
I went through something similar to that my Sophomore year of high school. I felt disconnected, helpless, angry, frustrated, upset, fake, stupid, and felt that it was an endless cycle that would never get better. I complained a lot about my school's environment, and started to care less about the people around me and started to care less about myself. I was pretty emotionless because it was the only way I found to cope with all the confusing emotions I was experiencing.
People saw me as a hard-worker, a girl who had her life together with plenty of extra-curriculars to keep herself busy, and someone who was always laughing and being happy, weird, and silly at the same time. When I tried to tell them how I was struggling to keep my chin up with a lot of things, they'd say, "Oh Shannon, I'm sure you're fine. I'm sure your grades aren't that bad, you are always so happy you'll definitely bounce back!" "Shannon, everyone is going through the same thing. Everyone is stressed. Don't worry so much about it, you're overthinking."
I wanted to scream back, "NO IT'S NOT FINE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AS ME. ARRGHGGH."
It's not their fault that they didn't know what exactly I was going through or how serious I was when I said I felt down; they only said it with good intentions. But it didn't help. Even people that sat down and talked to me or chatted me until 3 in the morning only helped temporarily. The cycle of the lack of sleep and negativity floating around in my mind was something I had to battle with 24/7, and no one could reach into my brain to take the pessimism out. One bad small thing could be thrown in the mix of the dark hole, and things would keep on adding up and getting worse.
Even now that I look back at it, I can't really pinpoint what happened or what went wrong. I felt like I couldn't really trust anyone with anything because judgment was inevitable, and even if people did try to empathize, a lot of the times they couldn't completely understand because not one situation was identical and finding people that could "relate" only seemed to be a greater obstacle.
Now that I have less than 50 school days of my high school career, I guess there are some things I realized over the last two years that I'd like to share:
1. No one can get you out of your dark hole but yourself. No one has a situation that is JUST like yours and can say the most perfect, inspirational, and wise words to help you get out of the hole completely.
2. Even if it is nice and sweet for a friend or family member to stay up really late talking to you about the things on your mind, there ARE people that are busy with their lives and might not be able to drop everything and sit there to listen. However, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you. Sometimes they just see what you let them see.. the side that is "fine."
3. Deciding to open up will usually bring you closer to your friends. It may seem daunting at times, but once you let go of what you've been cooping up inside for so long, it feels amazing. Trust me on that one.
4. Being straightforward is always helpful. If you act passive aggressive and expect people to GUESS what's going on in your mind, it's frustrating for both ends and usually ends with misunderstanding more than anything else.
5. There are times we all want to just "deal with it on our own" because we don't want to bother others, or don't trust others to understand or even want to understand... but letting emotions out and feeling something (even if it's pain and hurt), can be ultimately beneficial and help you feel a lot better, even if it's just for that one situation or problem.
6. Journal. Journaling your thoughts and venting out really helps because paper won't judge or get annoyed. After re-reading what you wrote, sometimes you'll realize how silly it was or you'll be able to put things into perspective and not feel as upset about it.
7. It's all about the way you see it. You can trick your mind into thinking a certain way, and change your perception about a problem.
I have more things I could type out, but I decided to stop at 7, haha. I'm not saying all of these things are 100% correct and must relate to everyone, but those are things I try to remind myself when things get rough for me.
Hopefully this may have helped some of you! Chat me or email me if you ever need someone to listen to your rants, stranger or not. I'm not kidding.
Happy Saturday?
Shan
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Discovering New Circles
Imagine our life each as its own circle, and each new person you meet intersects their circle with yours. Sometimes you meet new people and you automatically "click" with them, and the circles latch onto each other effortlessly. Other times, it takes days or weeks or months to find a slot in the circles that can click. Circles may drift apart where the two circles are just near each other but not really connected, like classmates you see on campus but never talk to. There are a couple circles that stay constant (like your long term best friends and family members), and some circles that come and go depending on the day.
I've been intersecting with a lot of new circles lately, and connecting with more people than I ever thought I would. Because it's second semester of my senior year, I've been trying hard to talk to people and put myself out there to make new friendships while still spending quality time with old friends, too. Instead of being stuck behind a screen, or typing until my thumbs get sore, going on adventures with people has been quite the positive experience. It doesn't matter that there are only about 50 school days left of my senior year, or that I will leave all that I know behind when I go to college. It's never too late to make the effort to learn more about other people and find commonalities and differences between other people. The differences I have with people actually help drive conversation forward, and with respect and open-mindness, I feel closer to them. Conversation usually starts of with the basic, "How are you?" but quickly become reflective of our high school journey and what has changed over time. Talking to different people and hearing about what they have to say about their life and their future goals helps me put in perspective with what I want to accomplish the last couple of months I'll be at home. I want to wrap up on my time in high school by learning more about who I am and the path I want to follow into my future.
One thing I am struggling with, however, is finding the balance and giving myself some well-deserved "me" time. It is great to discover new connections with people, but sometimes it's easy to lose myself within all of that. I'd like to say I'm quite an introspective person when I want to be, and I feel a lack of that recently. When I find time for myself, it's satisfying to be able to clear my head and put things into perspective. Being solely focused on me takes a lot of stress away from other people's (and society's) expectations of what a happy life is supposed to be pictured.
Even though college letters are being sent out right now, and many Seniors are in the midst of receiving rejections and acceptances, I'm surprisingly able to stay calm...
Here's how I see it: we are going to end up attending one college, not all that we applied to. At the end of this entire process, we will have made a decision for ourselves that we will have to roll with for the next couple of years to come. We will grow and learn from the experience itself, no matter what the name of the college is. Our end goal isn't undergrad, it's the rest of our lives.
Thanks for reading through some late night ramblin',
Shan
I've been intersecting with a lot of new circles lately, and connecting with more people than I ever thought I would. Because it's second semester of my senior year, I've been trying hard to talk to people and put myself out there to make new friendships while still spending quality time with old friends, too. Instead of being stuck behind a screen, or typing until my thumbs get sore, going on adventures with people has been quite the positive experience. It doesn't matter that there are only about 50 school days left of my senior year, or that I will leave all that I know behind when I go to college. It's never too late to make the effort to learn more about other people and find commonalities and differences between other people. The differences I have with people actually help drive conversation forward, and with respect and open-mindness, I feel closer to them. Conversation usually starts of with the basic, "How are you?" but quickly become reflective of our high school journey and what has changed over time. Talking to different people and hearing about what they have to say about their life and their future goals helps me put in perspective with what I want to accomplish the last couple of months I'll be at home. I want to wrap up on my time in high school by learning more about who I am and the path I want to follow into my future.
One thing I am struggling with, however, is finding the balance and giving myself some well-deserved "me" time. It is great to discover new connections with people, but sometimes it's easy to lose myself within all of that. I'd like to say I'm quite an introspective person when I want to be, and I feel a lack of that recently. When I find time for myself, it's satisfying to be able to clear my head and put things into perspective. Being solely focused on me takes a lot of stress away from other people's (and society's) expectations of what a happy life is supposed to be pictured.
Even though college letters are being sent out right now, and many Seniors are in the midst of receiving rejections and acceptances, I'm surprisingly able to stay calm...
Here's how I see it: we are going to end up attending one college, not all that we applied to. At the end of this entire process, we will have made a decision for ourselves that we will have to roll with for the next couple of years to come. We will grow and learn from the experience itself, no matter what the name of the college is. Our end goal isn't undergrad, it's the rest of our lives.
Thanks for reading through some late night ramblin',
Shan
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