[Struggle Bus]...

Yo, what's up! 

It's a beautiful Friday today and I'm thriving. Just kidding, I'm cold and I honestly had one of the busiest weeks at work so far. Work has been rewarding overall because I'm learning a lot, but I feel the exhaustion kick in the moment I get home. Regardless, when I spend time thinking about the personal projects I want to build (including this blog), it helps me stay energized and I can keep chugging along, even if that means I have bags under my eyes.

A few weeks ago, I asked for inspiration for my next post. One suggestion (thank you) asked about the hardest things I went through at UIUC and how I pushed myself to get through those situations. Especially since I just got back from a weekend in Champaign for Homecoming (an unbelievable weekend, by the way), I already have been in a reflective headspace about college days and pre-adulting life. 

I'm not going to lie, my college years were one of the best years of my life but I also had my biggest L's during that time. Toxic habits, friendships, and mindsets made it difficult for me to even get out of bed or eat some days. I know a lot of people have gone through similar feelings and situations, but I want to emphasize right off the bat that every individual experience and perception is unique. I am sharing personal anecdotes, and I hope that this is relatable for some. If not, I hope it introduces a different lens and a safe space to talk about these things with others. 

A little more background on me.. to help set the scene:

• Originally from: San Jose, California

I grew up in the bubble of Silicon Valley, and I honestly really wanted to get out of that environment just to see what was else was out there. I felt lost in high school, and that made it difficult for me to discover my true interests and set my sights on career paths and/or priorities that differed from other people. I knew that I needed to learn independence and grow to not react with resentment to people, situations, and environments that I felt were hurtful to me. 

• Majors: Organizational Psychology & Communications (I started with just Communications) 

In high school, I enjoyed humanities-based classes and I already took an interest in psychology, the science behind human interactions, and expression in the form of words(writing/blogging/reading). I had no clue what I wanted out of the degree. I considered teaching, human resources, non-profit work, and social media marketing. 

• Extra-curriculars: Alpha Phi Omega Service Fraternity (2 years, Fall 2016 pledge), IllinoiSkating Club Synchronized Skating (4 years, 8-10 hours commitment/wk), Vocational Interest Psychology Research Assistant (2 years)

I figure-skated most of my life, and I was looking to continue it through college. Ice skating was (and still is) a huge part of my identity. The consistency this sport gave me was something I leaned on when I encountered hardships or inconsistencies in other facets of my life. In general, I believe training develops discipline, grit, and work ethic that goes beyond the athletics. As for research and community service, I like to diversify my experiences and meet individuals who have the same interest in helping others and diving deeper in certain subjects. 

I came to Illinois intending to expand my horizons, meet people with varying backgrounds, and I also heard the Midwest winters really toughen people up... hahaa. My experience in this college town was hugely impactful in shaping me and will continue to shape me through the years to come. 

One of the most difficult barriers I encountered through U of I was finding the value in my education, especially when I felt like my mental health was hindering me from reaching "my full potential" and being who I wanted to be. My parents were funding my higher education and had hopes for me to succeed. But at the end of the day, what was I actually taking out of it? What would I even do with my major or my class knowledge of "Organizational Communication"? I believed in my intelligence and eagerness to learn, but I was always paralyzed by discussing grades, challenging courses, career goals, and money-making priorities. Growing up, there was an unhealthy (in my opinion) emphasis on involvement mainly for benefiting resumes, completing projects for visibility and validation, and networking for promotional and leadership titles (for resume-building purposes). 

And look, there's nothing wrong with that. I now understand the importance of success and the drive to take the necessary steps to achieve it. I just was so lost in myself that I became fearful of taking those measures from an insincere standpoint. It wasn't them, it was me. 

What did I do to address my panic? I made use of my extraverted traits and overexerted myself in social settings (I still sometimes do that but with a better balance) to find genuine relationships that would distract me from my insecurities and the shame that was boiling up internally. I averaged 3-4.5 hours of sleep a night because of my morning skate practices, I said "yes" to every social event possible, and I chose to ignore the red flags or warnings in my head. You know how people say "I can be in a room full of people but still feel lonely?" That's exactly how I felt. Except I was so sidetracked most of the time I didn't even register that emotion. I was always getting boba, texting dozens of people, or getting wrapped up in unnecessary drama. 

During my sophomore year and parts of junior year, I skipped more class than I ever did. I dropped classes and switched classes numerous times to find a way to get through each semester, while not wanting to take away any of my commitments (skating, friends, work, school, and volunteering). I felt like I was constantly drowning. I'd make mistakes and put in effort to continuously patch things up. It was exhausting. I hated myself and wanted to get my life together so badly, but always found an excuse to push it aside. Push my own health aside. I felt motivation in 2-3 day spurts when I would feel like something clicked inside of me. Then I'd go back to my same damn habits. Repeat. 

Then one day, I woke up and fixed everything. I'm happy now!!! 

.. Just kidding. I am still far from "fixing" everything, and I don't know if I ever will. Which is okay. I also realized I was doing a whole lot of complaining, self-sabotaging, and very little action was taken to even try and see if different solutions would work for my problems. I tried out therapy (which honestly didn't work for me on campus). I put full-focus into job-hunting and loved how driven it made me feel (yes, the stress of career-hunting was probably the best semester of my college career). I worked out consistently and found companions to hold me accountable. I let go of relationships that were either dragging me down or where I was hurting them, too. 

Now that I recently graduated, I think it was a suitable time to "re-start." Whenever I notice patterns and habits that sap the happiness out of my life, I weed them out. Logical thinking during the toughest times also really helps center my thought process. I think the biggest lesson learned through my challenges in college was to keep taking it day-by-day. Some days, my insecurities and doubts flood my brain the second I wake up. Because I have a set routine to go to work (yay corporate jobs), it's honestly been a blessing. Once I complete the smallest task, it slowly builds momentum throughout the day to accomplish more. Self-reflection and awareness help me identify the true root causes of my problems. Even if I can't be Bob-the-Builder every day ('cause I'm still a piece of shit), at least I feel gratification in identifying the problem.

Wow, those were a lot of words to explain my little story. Regardless, know that WHATEVER you're going through, even if there are individuals who haven't lived through exactly what you have, there are humans who have felt similar emotions. Validate yourself. Suck it up when you need to suck it up and sulk once in a while if it's just too much. Allow yourself to vent. 

I wrote a post on getting through rough times and the perspective I took in high school which is still applicable for me today. Check it out if you want. With all of that, have a good weekend. Go kill it at work, in school, and in life. And then meet me at the clubs on Saturday LOL. 

See ya,

Shannon Lee (I just noticed I didn't put Shan like I used to. Too many emails sent out for work lately, haha)

Transitions

Hey there,

The last time I was on here typing out my feelings was the end of my freshman year in 2016... Now the Class of 2018 is about to leave us and time will continue to fly by.

My undergraduate years have truly been the most exciting and rewarding years of my life so far, and I'm so glad I chose U of I to be my home during such a pivotal time of my life. I'd like to say that junior year has been the best so far, even with rough patches and struggles that are inevitable during the transition of growing up. I'm continuing to change and learn more about myself. I am putting myself out there by trying new things and meeting new people. From boba dates, hanging out on the quad, and studying in random buildings around campus, I've fallen in love with this familiarity. This campus of 45,000 undergrads has become a big family that will never be the same without the graduating seniors. The community of a collegetown is one of my favorite aspects of Champaign being isolated in the middle of nowhere. I love seeing recognizable faces everywhere, and a quick conversation or hug can really make a difference on a shitty day. With this realization, I've had time to look back with gratitude to everyone I've met over the last few years who have made even the smallest difference my life, positive and negative.

Everyone says to live in the present, to stop thinking about the past or the future so much. That's difficult, especially when there are days I despise waking up in the morning and I can't find the motivation to do anything. There are times I sit there waiting for my mood to adjust and so I can be happy. This only works on selective days, because most days result in more frustration with myself for wasting time hating my existence. This affects treasured moments with my friends, my commitment to my extra-curriculars, and stops me from pushing myself closer to what I am capable of accomplishing. This past semester, I finally realized I really have to do something about it before my four years of living out this college life comes to an end (thanks to the people who helped me get to this point).

Here's my advice to those who relate: don't be afraid to reach out to resources on campus, because there's so much that universities offer that aren't taken advantage enough. Throw away your pride or anything holding you back to find real SOLUTIONS to the problems you face so you can make the most of your twenties and live out the life you envision. I've tried for years to find my own solutions and to "fix" myself, and even when I've been stuck in the same cycle, I still was too stubborn to try anything else because I wanted to tell myself I could handle it on my own. Sometimes the people you least expect to help can really change your perspective on a lot of things. Go talk to your advisors, drop in during office hours, or make an appointment at the Counseling Center. Be vulnerable, share your thoughts and experiences, and give others a chance to get to know the real you. It helps. Do you what you need to do to give yourself the life you deserve, seriously! I am not saying I'm "cured" or that I never have a bad day, but knowing that I'm taking initiative and reaching out for help gives me hope and reassurance that things will work out in the end, even if I can't always picture it right now. Don't wait until you graduate to wish you did more when you were in school.

So many individuals with different backgrounds, majors, and personalities come together in college and there are many small moments that are taken for granted. Being able to meet so many unique people and seeing the variety of organizations we all contribute to inspires me to push myself and make myself as useful as I can. Illinois has given me so much, and I want to be a strong representation of what alumni from U of I can produce in the workplace and in life. As excited as I am to live out my last year and start a new adventure after college, with the senior class escaping through our fingers so soon, there's been a little bittersweet ache in my stomach every time I think about it. I'm sure the real adult world will be great with the newly-found independence and freedom, but never again will that many students live in all the apartment complexs within a 5-mile radius for friends to run over and hangout and study whenever. How often are we all going to pull allnighters together and order unhealthy food to the library late at night? Who will I hug and greet when we're all out, at a bar or at a dance show? I've grown so close to these people and even with efforts of staying in touch, the truth is, there will be some people I may never cross paths with again. It is the fact of life and I know I need to just suck it up, but nevertheless, I will miss you guys. Best of luck killing it out there in the adult world, and don't be a stranger!

Also shoutout to those graduating high school this year, I'm excited to see what you will accomplish wherever you go! Take everything in and really enjoy every opportunity and experience you encounter.

Ok I got a 1:30 final, goodbye -

Love,
Shan

1st Week of College on the Cornfields

I've been on campus for six days now, and the first day of college starts today. I have a lot going through my head, and I am not sure I'm going to be able to articulate the emotions and feelings that I'm experiencing, but I'll try.

The day before move-in day, I was freaking out. I had never been in Illinois before, not to mention being on the gigantic campus. I only knew that there would be a lot of corn, and that the winter time would be harsh. I didn't know if I'd feel like home here, or if I'd like that it was kind of in the middle of nowhere.

The last week has gone way above my expectations and it has been filled with new adventures, new friends (yes, I'm actually making new friends!), and the start of independence of living on my own.

I am loving being a student at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign. The diversity is real, and the people are friendly. I feel like I am part of a true community, not just a person looking in from the outside. The school spirit is deafening, and I feel proud to be walking on the campus as a student here. The college town is beautiful, and I am loving seeing green grass instead of brown grass all around campus. The weather is perfect for me (until September that is). I know the winter is going to get brutal, but for now I'm just appreciating the California weather over here. It actually might even be better than Cali weather. There's been a nice breeze going through every day, and even when there are overcast skies, the temperature is still warm enough that I can go out in shorts and a sleeveless shirt.

I have been spotting my high school classmates often, and it makes me happy to be able to re-unite with them, even if it's only for a couple minutes. I'm also enjoying trying new things, exploring, and making new connections with people that grew up in completely different states and have very different backgrounds. I'm learning that we have much more in common than we think we do, especially with the sense of humor I have.

There are a lot of amazing restaurants and PMT spots on Green St., and the food I eat are walked off every time I need to get somewhere by feet. The campus is huge, so I've been walking at least 10,000 steps a day. I don't see the need to go to the gym anymore. Being a student, I am realizing how many discounts we get and I am happy to take 'em. Free admission into a lot of events, discounts on food or store items, and not needing to pay to ride the buses (that's a definite must) or cheap admission into the skating rink makes the college tuition a little more worth it, that is... if I actually get out of my dorm to explore what's out there. I've eaten a lot of free meals, gotten free t-shirts, attended grad night-like events (the LateNighter), and attended my first service event here (we painted the outside building walls at "Salt & Light Ministries
- check them out: http://www.saltandlightministry.org/). There are always a large number of people at each event, because the school is so big. This is nice because it is guaranteed that I will meet people with the same passion and interest I have for something. There are so many other things I can do on campus including bowling, rock-climbing, beach volleyball, watch performances at the Krannert Hall, go to poster sales, attend open mics, or attend mixers and block parties. I don't ever have to worry that I'm the one person out of super small group of people interested in going to an event.

The #1 question I've been getting from people here is, "Why pick Illinois over California?"

I tell them I want to put myself out there, and really experience life as much as I can the next four years. If I don't like it, I can move back. This entire four-year journey is a rare chance, because I'd never come to Urbana-Champaign just as a tourist, or to "sight-see" the corn fields. Even if I only visit a friend for a few days, it wouldn't compare to experience as really living on campus and being a part of the student community here. Seeing orange and blue everywhere, the colors are definitely growing on me more and more each day. I'm bleeding blue and orange, and I haven't even taken my first test yet or met my classmates of the semester.

Yes, Illinois is the #1 party school (people go "trick-or-treating" at night often - if you don't get it, it's okay. It's my own term, haha). But Illinois is also the #1 community I'm glad to be a part of. Most of the 43,603 students on campus are strangers to me, but people are friendly, they are looking out for me, and we are all in this together. Most of the people I talked to this past week, I probably will never see again, but I think there's beauty in that. They may influence me and make a difference without even knowing it. The only thing really bringing us together is our identity with the U of I (I've been getting used to calling it that more, instead of UIUC or saying the full name like I did back home).

Besides a service program, an Asian American club, and ice skating, I might also join a religious group. I went to a Christian fellowship group last night, and I was surprised I got myself there somehow. I haven't been to church consistently in a couple years, and I've been on and off with my faith because I feel that it's too complicated for me to deal with and I have too many questions to figure it out. I'll keep an open mind, and we'll see where this goes.

My dorm is starting to feel like my home (and I'm actually staying pretty neat/organized...for now), and I can shout, "I-N-I," pretty confidently when I hear someone say "I-L-L." The next four years on this campus, in the college town, is going to be the best yet and I really want to take advantage of it. I want to go to events, try new things, meet new people every day. The only thing is that I hope I keep my word to that so I don't let the four years fly by with only stressful and routine days. I am so thankful I have the opportunity to experience college life like this, and the independence factor is frightening but exhilarating. I'm eventually going to have to be fully responsible for myself, and college is definitely a good transition. After college, the career starts (hopefully) and things get real. I'm sure the experience will be rewarding too, but for now I think college is the perfect balance between independence/responsibility, and fun/exploration.

I love this college town, and I can't wait to make the most out of the next four years I have here. I am excited to see how this journey shapes and moves me, and I hope I learn to enjoy everything that happens, positive and negative. This orientation week has gone by way to fast, and I can't believe my first day of college classes start today.

There are so many "nooks" on campus I'm excited to discover throughout the next four years, and too many restaurants I want to try out.

I don't know if I said everything I wanted to say, but I think I got a good chunk of it out of my system. I'm gonna head off to class soon, so see ya!

Best of luck to the upcoming school year,
Shan

P.S- I'm missing all of my friends and family back home! It's weird saying "back home," because I feel like I'm only a couple miles away at some summer camp.  You can look forward to another post from me soon, because I'll probably write another post when reality hits me and I start feeling really homesick.

P.P.S- If you're interested in seeing my daily life on campus through pictures, here's a link to the site: https://shanillini.wordpress.com/ It's a project that is part of my ART105 class, Visual Design for non-majors. I'm having a fun start, but I'm also up so late because of this, haha.

Leaving for College

Well, hello there. Here I am again, blogging late at night when I'm getting emotional about something that is happening in my life. I remember wanting to write a blog post on the last 50 days of high school, and here I am feeling knotted about my last summer before college ending already. I want to embrace change, get out of my comfort zone and really experience as much of life as I can. I want to meet new people, open my mind to see more of the world, and learn what it's like to be independent. But I also don't want to do any of that.

In about 24 hours, I'll be all packed up, ready to head to Illinois to start my first year of college. I'm typing this during my last night in my own bed at home. It's sad for me to even think about.

I'm leaving my comfortable home, my family, my good friends, my cats I sometimes neglect, my job, my high school, and all the memories that's been created around the Bay Area the last 18 years. I'd say I had a pretty decent summer, but I just wish time would slow down a little.

I'm going to miss being sassy with my sister. I'm going to miss seeing her skate. I'm scared that I'll come back and she'll be way too tall for my liking and not be the "little" sister I've been with all this time. Seeing her grow up so fast makes it even worse. She's already starting high school, and she's becoming more mature than me (not that I've set a very high standard, but still).

I've been driving almost every day this summer with my dad, who taught me how to drive so that I passed my license test this past Monday (FINALLY)! I was happy that I passed but I was also sad that I'd never drive around with my dad for no reason anymore, other than to get some hours of driving practice whenever we could. It's an odd feeling, working with my dad all summer with the goal of getting my license and then actually finally getting it. And even though it's probably tiring and tedious for him, I'm going to miss getting rides from him from work, to counseling, to volunteering, back to home almost every day of the school year. I'm going to miss sleeping in the car holding a half-eaten breakfast while he drives me to the rink for early morning practices, and eating lunch with him at Creekside park before he drops me off at the empty rink to skate in the early afternoon. I'm going to miss the bowl of fruit he gives me almost every night in addition to the one he packs for me to bring to school (which is also why I made friends in high school). I already miss jogging with him on Wednesday mornings before late start, too.

My mom and I got closer this summer, and she's been through a lot with me. She was there for me for every milestone in my life so far. Every competition, every test, and every change of plan. Even when she knew I was probably going on the path less traveled, she stuck with me even through all my mistakes and all the problems I created for myself. I remember when I was younger and would want to sleep with her in her room, and when she bought me gym membership and invite me to go to 24 Hours Fitness with her. I'm so thankful I have her in my life, because without her I honestly don't know what I'd do. She planned all of my extra-curriculars, activities, and camps as a kid and I'd say I had a pretty fulfilling childhood because of that. Some days I'd come home to smoothies and lunches she prepared for me, even though I already went out to each lunch with my classmates. And even though I only homeschooled for a half a year, it made a pretty big difference in my life. She was also flexible enough to let me go back to public school once I figured out homeschooling wasn't for me.

Our family road trips to National parks, annual ski trips up in Tahoe, and monthly bike rides are all just memories that I'll look back on when I'm an adult reminiscing on my childhood. Or when I'm an incoming college student feeling homesick and freaking out about things I have no control over.

Okay, I'm know I'm just being nostalgic. And even though I have a knot in my stomach already, I'm positive I'll be fine once I step on campus. I'll learn my way around, and I'll eventually get used to living in my new home for the next four years. It's just a crazy thought knowing that things in my life are about to change so drastically and they will never be the same again. I don't trust myself enough to feel ready for all of that right now.

The connections I've made with the people here I will never forget, and I am so glad I've been able to meet the people I have met. Although some connections have fallen apart, some have only grown stronger. I can only be grateful for all the experiences and the moments I've had with these people. If you're reading this post, thanks for caring enough to click on my posts and actually read through all of these.

Also, if you've ever given me a ride, I appreciate it. Chat me up around break and I'll return the favor when we hangout, haha.

'Till next time, San Jose--
Shan