Blink

"Soak up every second of the next four years. College was the best four years of my life and it flew by."

I blinked - it's 2025 and I am 28. 

These words echoed in my mind as I embarked on my journey to Illinois that fall, ready to start college. Little did I know, they would resonate even more deeply during the four years I spent in Chicago, navigating life pre, during, and post-Covid.

Each morning, I strolled along the concrete path by the lake, noticing the stillness of the water. The skyline stretched before me. I would pull out my phone to capture the moment, then find a spot to sit and close my eyes. The sun's warmth gently breathed life into my skin. For a few seconds, I felt completely at peace. This was my ritual, a serene start to the day, where I heard nothing other than the rhythmic pace of a runner and their dog, or the slow turn of bike wheels along the lakefront. Afterward, I'd pop into a coffee shop, with the sun's rays streaming through the windows. 

In this one lifetime, we live many lives and eras. Some begin and end right before our eyes, while others shift subtly, leaving us to anticipate changes we could never imagine before. As we evolve as people, so does everyone around us. Whenever I feel this shift, I am compelled to extract my thoughts and type. So here we are.

Chicago is where I first found my adult identity. I will never forget the peace it brought me when I jumped into the lake at 7 a.m., enveloped by stillness before the city awoke. Chicago is where I discovered my pride and love for a city I didn't know I could cherish so deeply. It was where I learned the joy of gathering with friends at a sports bar to cheer on any random team. Chicago is also where I realized beanies are my thing. It was where I experienced the intimacy of a close-knit friend group and a love story that blossomed within it.

When I left Chicago, I knew I was opening my arms to big change.

Of course, I knew things were going to change. But nothing could have prepared me for the reality that the life I knew in Chicago would be gone. It's been one year since my move to Seattle. This year has simultaneously flown by and dragged on. I've been reflecting on what made this transition a harder pill to swallow. If I could go back, would I have changed my answer when I was given three days to decide to move across the country?

Since 2019, the community in Chicago was my stable and safe place. I felt at home with a routine. It was the first time I truly felt like I belonged, without an expiration date. The friends I became close with during the pandemic were my ride-or-dies. We supported each other through a global crisis that left the world frantic, stressed, and confused. But we had each other, so we were going to be okay.

For a few years, it felt like college again. No one talked about moving away. We were all just a few blocks or neighborhoods apart. We knew who we would see every weekend, no questions asked. We were ready to spontaneously roll up to Happy Camper for a day of drinking, go bowling, play beach volleyball in the summer, ski every winter, and celebrate every birthday together. I loved running through Wrigley bars on game day, seeing everyone in Cubs gear. I loved complaining about the winters with my best friends, and I remember how we'd grin with excitement when the first summer day arrived. When fall was around the corner, I treasured walks around Lincoln Park as the leaves changed color and the crisp air rose. I loved the sound of the trains rolling by and the magnificent skyline from Oak Street Beach. It was a dynamic I was comfortable and content with. I was in the healthiest relationship of my life, and if life stayed exactly the same, I would have zip to complain about.

I didn't know it then, but it was going to be my last year in Chicago. I joined a season of adult competitive synchronized ice skating with my best friends and college teammates. We traveled to Vegas for nationals, and it  was an incredible feeling to re-ignite a hobby in adulthood and relive college memories.

So, why did I leave it all behind?

I had a revelation with my therapist about one of the biggest values I hold in life: exploring opportunities life lays out in front of me. I finally believe that I deserve everything I envision in life, and what I want isn't too far to reach. I don't want to settle because I'm afraid of finding out what else this dynamic life has to offer. It sounds like an incredible milestone, and it is, but the caveat is that I have to leave things behind even when I feel content and happy. It's hard to let go of people and things that have been such blessings. It's hard to say goodbye to a chapter I don't want to see end. I felt the curiosity to say 'yes' to the opportunity that came my way. Surprisingly, I found a bullet journal page from a few years ago, where I wrote I would be in Seattle by the time I was 27. Coincidence or not, here I am. I value keeping doors open and going where life takes me. Maybe too much so, but it's a principle that gave me the strength to take this gig across the country and leave the familiarity of Chicago behind. It overrode any fear or hesitation I felt.

We have one life to live, and I want to experience it all. Who knows if I will regret any of it, but one thing I know for sure—I’ll have some stories to tell.

And that's when I said hello to a completely different landscape. One with mountains.

I think this transition was bittersweet because I loved that version of me and the life I had in Chicago so much. It was special to me, and in my eyes, I was the catalyst for why things are no longer the same. Even if some change is inevitable, it felt so sudden. When other friends moved, I knew it would be in my control to stay in contact with them and see them on trips we would plan. Last fall, when I visited Chicago for the first time since moving, I expected to return to the old dynamics and feelings. I forgot that just as I was evolving and integrating into new dynamics in Seattle, so was everyone else normalizing my absence.

It's been almost seven months since the initial visit, and I have started to accept the melancholic beauty of adulthood and the natural state of adapting to new circumstances. Adulthood is something special, and as the years fly by, I want to feel it all. Gratitude, pure bliss, and heartbreak. To my Chicago friends, I hope you know how much I appreciate our time together in the best city ever. I know the real ones will stick around. I can't wait to nourish a new dynamic because I will be home again, soon. I promise. 

To my Seattle friends, I am excited for you to get to know a version of me that is healing and evolving. I want to freely take in all life has to offer. I would not trade the experience, no matter how painful or crushing, for anything else. Growing pains are expected, and it's with gratitude that I am able to live, laugh, and love so deeply.

Cheers to more shots, of course.

With love,

Shan

Trial & Error

Yo, what's up- 

I was typing up this draft andI felt inspired to finish this up & actually post it after a good convo with my roommate. So here it goes.. 

In life, we learn through our own experiences what we want to avoid or repeat in the future. People generally come to different conclusions of what that may look like. The risks we decide to lean into make life adventurous, fulfilling, gut-wrenching sometimes, but worth it. For me, that that's wearing my emotions on my sleeve, a little too openly.

I vividly remember promising my younger self I would never "build a wall up" to cover up my emotions. I didn't want to wait for anyone to "break 'em down" for me. Since then, I developed a coping mechanism opposite of how society and the media teaches us react to pain and trauma. I tell people I am an open book, even when I know not everyone will appreciate the vulnerability. Often times, people don't realize I sometimes wish I had more of a guard up, or kept more to myself. When I have an influx of thoughts, what ends up working for me is expressing it to others. I need to talk it out and communicate. It's annoying at times because I just want to be "normal," but overall I feel it's worth it because I've been able to open up conversations that wouldn't be possible if I didn't take the risk of being vulnerable first. I slowly started started embracing the positives of being able to think and function the way I do, and I'm still working on it.

This entire time, I told myself I was "being bold" because I was stable with myself. I had the misconception I was self-reliant and didn't need anyone else to "fix" or call out my personal problems because I was laying it all out there.

The blunt truth is, it was really about being in control. I thought if I spoke out first about my flaws, insecurities, mental health "issues," I would be in control of my narrative. I could own it and no one could say shit. 

What I didn't realize is that by giving that disclaimer to the world, I was also admitting the fact that I believed those impressions were true. Those negative labels would stick with me for as long as I let it. Those flaws, insecurities, and so-called issues were labeled that way because I said so. I was repeating negative affirmations, and living into the character of being "dramatic, too moody, and having too many unresolved issues." And people used that against me when there was friction or tension in a relationship, throwing my vulnerability back at me because I called it myself. 

But here's a fresh take: 

Life is trial & error, and 90% of life works itself out one way or the other. If there is one main lesson we learned this year, it's that we are all adaptable and can adjust to new normals. If people hurt us (because they will), detaching and refusing to take things personally helps frame situations differently. The right people will stay in our lives, and help us accept care/love the way we should. Even if people don't end up playing a role in our lives for as long as we thought they would, allowing a positive memory to be just that is okay.

There's a half-glass-full mentality to every scenario in life, including how we view our own personality. The weight of our own baggage is lifted once we internalize our self-worth. We will no longer fuck with with energy that tears us down, and get ourselves into a healthy, secure state (highly recommended read: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), which will help make life easier for everyone. Especially ourselves.

Shan

--

Tunes listened while typing this up: 

• Face to Face, Mat Kearney 
• Wonder, Sean Mendes 
• Older, Nightly

Letter to Myself (2015)

Hey Quarantined Community, 

It's been a month of the shelter-in-place order in Illinois, and I have to say, this new lifestyle almost feels like the norm. I log-on to start work-from-home around 8:30-9am for the morning team huddle at 9:30. No more 6am alarms or worrying about the weather delaying my 1.5 hour commute to work.. Teams and Skype meetings are the default, and I never need to rush to make gym classes after logging off. 

It's the "norm," but it also isn't. My sleep schedule is absolute shit, I don't do full workouts the way I started building the habit for, and my motivation rides a ridiculous sine wave. While I bullet journal to help maintain some perspective and track habits.. It's still hard. 

I realize I took many aspects of my pre-pandemic life for granted, and there are days I have nothing better to do than to over-reflect and worry. I have so much I am grateful for, but my brain battles between constructive thinking and useless passiveness. The last few days have been tougher than usual, but while I was organizing my Google Drive today, I came across the letter I wrote myself for my final AP Lit project in high school. I want to share this with you because it was coincidentally what I needed to find during this time. I've highlighted some parts that stand out for me. I feel like when life throws unpredictable situations at us, we all have to use a growth mindset to figure a way through it. We can allow emotions and reactions to ride itself out but that requires us to stay resilient through it all. Right? 

This is an unedited version of the letter, and it's crazy how relatable this is even 5 years later. I hope this encourages you to reflect on your personal self-growth over the last few years, or maybe dig up the last letter you wrote yourself for a school project (hopefully with f errors, haha)! 
-----------------------------------

Written: May 24, 2015

Dear future self, 

I don’t know when you’ll re-read this, but I hope that when you do you are genuinely happy with where you are with your life. Life is honestly too short to only daydream about what might happen or what could be, and I hope that wherever you are in life right now (up or down), that you are truly enjoying every moment. I hope that you are staying out of drama and reducing your time invested in things that don’t really have value. I hope that you are following where your instincts take you, whether that’s with design & photography, business, or whatever it may be. You don’t have to follow the original path, because then you’re just taking the easy route. Life’s more of an adventure and more fun to live if you carve out the path on your own.

Present day me wants to finish grad school, travel to different cities and explore different cultures. I want to some day go back to London and study abroad there, or be involved in projects and campaigns related to environment protection and awareness, or find ways to unite people around the world with videos, blog posts, or discussions. I have the blog running pretty consistently right now (MainlyShan) so hopefully you’re still keeping that up? I want to finish my senior freeskate (done yet?) and also learn different skills so I can be a more well-rounded individual. I also expect that you have a license yet?! Please say you do... Haha.

What helped me get through my “rough” journey of high school was constantly putting situations in perspective, to breathe when situations feel too difficult, and to go with the flow. I feel that if I keep those things in mind life will be a lot more fun and tolerable. There are people on this planet that take life way too seriously, but I want to be a person that can laugh at the things that happen and stay resilient through the changes that will inevitably occur. I am still in shock that my childhood is almost ending, that now these stories are set in stone. The past 18 years have gone by too quickly and I haven’t had time to really process it all. I will miss so much of the memories created at Westgate, Rainbow Park, Miller, Pho Hoa, and the numerous parks and viewpoints that have helped me relax in nature. My parents have helped me get involved with so many extra-curriculars, and now I have to define my interests on my own. 

Success isn’t how much money you’re making, how many people approve of you, or the awards and medals you receive. Success is feeling passionate about the things you choose to pursue, having the drive to always continue improving, and being happy and proud of where you are in life. No one needs to give a stamp of approval except for you. If you aren’t happy with where your life stands, then do something to fix it, even if it only makes a small difference. Staying committed to those interests demonstrate your character, and if I learned anything from the last couple of years, is that giving up and being a quitter (whether for a skating test, any commitment) won’t feel good or get you anywhere. I hope that weakness has become a strength. 

If you are having a hard time forgiving someone or a situation, remember that the quicker you let go, the more opportunities will come your way. Sometimes unhealthy cycles only hinder us from success and true happiness, and although it is hard to forget and let go, it will only do us good in the long run. Staying humble and reflective is also something I want to maintain throughout my life, so hopefully you haven’t forgotten that yet. 

I suppose I have a lot of expectations on you, future self, but setting expectations is better than not setting any. It’s OK if not everything turns out the way I may be expecting right now, but as long as you don’t give up on yourself and still aim for that upward trend in life, I’m positive you’ll be fine. I’m proud of you anyway! 

With love,

Shannon Lee in 2015

6 Months of Adulthood, 6 Lessons I've Learned

Ay, I've reached my first adulting milestone. It's been 6 months post-grad working in Chicago (Northbrook) now, and I can tell ya a lot has changed. It's a given that people continue to evolve as time passes, but I've never noticed this drastic of a change in myself before. My priorities have changed, my mindset has shifted, and I really don't have energy/time for bullshit. If you know me at all, it's crazy how far we've come, honestly.

Below are six things I've learned/realized over the last six months since graduation.

1. I care a lot more about money than I thought I would. 
"It's not about the money, it's about doing what you love." What I've realized for me is, it's about earning the money so I can live the lifestyle I want and comfortably fund my experiences. Yes, I want to also enjoy what I'm doing in the professional setting but I, more importantly, I want to be good at it. There are inevitably going to be skillsets I wish I could be amazing at but doesn't come as naturally to me. If I have to spend excessively more time to learn and perfect a skill/role when my job on the line, that may cause more stress than joy at this point. Sometimes my pride/stubbornness gets in the way of being efficient with my talents. If you've seen the posts (@casualgrit) on the recent book I read, Good to Great by Jim Collins, Jim mentions the Hedgehog Concept in his research. Essentially, it is the intersection of passion, your economic engine ($), and what you're good at that will create peak success. For me, this resonated and has driven the change in how I view my financial goals in life. There's still a long way to go, but realizing what my first steps are is a good start. 

2. Time spent in the office/on the commute drains my energy more than I had anticipated. 
In high school, many of us had workouts/sports practice before school at 8am, finished school around 3-4pm and continued on with 3-4 other extra-curriculars before studying and completing homework in the eveing. College was a different story (iykyk), but when I started my 8:30-4pm job, I assumed I would have time and energy to do a lot more and be productive after work. Unfortunately, I am a deteriorating human being and it is now essential I receive my prime 7+ hours of sleep and caffeine to get me through my day. After work? Oh my... it's considered a good day if I go to the gym and find the energy to cook dinner. Then I'm cashed. Out of the 5-6 things I want to "work on" after I get home from work, I can only realistically check 2-3 items off my list. Bullet journaling has helped me prioritize a lot, but that is another post comin' up soon.

3a. The personal projects/goals I've ruminated on for years are taking action now with my new lens of "not wanting to live a boring adult life."
I needed the push of adulting and more given alone time...to figure out my blog. Read more. Journal consistently. Be better overall, etc. During the past 4 years, I've thought about all these facets of my life I want to improve and work on but I never had the discipline to buckle down and act on them. Distractions were welcome, and my social-ass self wanted in on ALL boba dates, study sessions at Grainger/Cafe Bene, or any opportunity to "enjoy the full university experience." No regrets looking back, but I truly would've walked away with the same memory of college even if I said "no" a few times and marked some alone time to work on personal projects. However, the past is in the past. Next for me now? Maybe a build a website to compile all my lists/documents/blogs/pages (if you have tips or HTML books, please reach out!)

3b. I want to learn about everything. Almost too much. 
There is no longer any excuse I can hide behind to say that I am still a "kid" and "don't know things." Honestly, I am still a child, but I need to survive in the real world independently now. I have a sudden determination to soak up knowledge on how to succeed on a corporate path, learn about investing/money management, be educated on LITERALLY EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE. Fitness. Insurance. Cars. Apartment hunting. Personal growth. Cooking. Furniture. News. Business. Leadership. Retail trends. Technology. Energy management. Reality TV (lol). You name it. I don't want to be a noob anymore, but I might be cramming a little too much too quickly. 

If I could give my college self some advice, it would be to PAY ATTENTION to 10% more of whatever I was involved with in college. Whether it's during formal class settings, during team practices on ice, or part-time jobs on campus. There are plenty of life/business lessons I could've learned if I was just a little more attentive. Life all ties together some way some form, and it can be beneficial in the long run to have paid more attention. Professors are experts in their classes, and I have a lot more in-depth curious questions I would ask now if I could. Don't avoid asking for help, or attending office hours.

4. Not seeing my friends all the time is actually OKAY. I really value spending quality time with people who I vibe with...and that's about it.  
My biggest fear and worry towards the end of my senior year was not being able to find people to hang around whenever I wanted. A huge benefit of living on campus in the middle of cornfields was how easily accessible everything/everyone was. I was so sad to leave it, but honestly, I am fine with it now. I don't have energy or time Mondays-Thursdays after work anyway, because I need to be a functioning adult. I am okay for naturally set boundaries to see friends on the weekends, or to plan ahead a little to meet up. I appreciate those moments more, and I am more confident in myself to be okay being alone. I look forward to being alone. It's relaxing and very comforting. I might sound crazy to some people because I wouldn't have said any of this 6 months ago, but I know a lot of friends and coworkers have expressed similar thoughts since we left school. 

Personalities are not going to change as drastically as maybe they did entering college. We all know we won't get along with everyone on this planet, but being in a college town, there was still a priority to address drama and to figure out little details to ensure sure all relationships were going smoothly and all conflict resolved if possible. We have the rest of our lives to live and so many people on this planet who are on the same wavelength. We can respect differences without having to drain energy and limited time every day agreeing to disagree. This is not to say to not associate with people with different thoughts, but entering drama to stop it isn't going to work. We've all tried.  

5. I don't need to stress so much at work day-to-day but I do need to set short-term/long-term professional goals. 
It's totally normal to freak out over small things and sometimes feel like you're playing catch-up (you're not the only entry-level employee that feels this way). When I first started (and now sometimes), I worked at home after coming back from the office just because I knew it took me a little longer to finish certain deliverables. There were times I read too much into emails from my team/manager and felt like I wasn't up to par. Sometimes, I just know I am not utilizing all 8 hours of my workday to the max productivity I am capable of. Especially transitioning from college schedules, it took months of adjustment for me to find a work routine that works for me, while still tweaking it from time to time. 

This feeling will eventually go away, or I hope it will because I have noticed my anxiety lowering as weeks go by. There will be good days and bad ones, but every moment is just a learning experience. Even if a presentation or pitch doesn't go as planned, we've gotta pick ourselves back up and show up the next day. It is what it is, and the more we can let go of the small nuances, the more focus there will on productive professional development. 

6. Taking ownership of my work-life balance supplemented by the exercise of discipline is crucial. 
No one is going to tell me how I have to live my life. Messy or clean, up to me. Healthy or degenerate, up to me. Busy or relaxed, up to me. Career-focused or life experience focused, up to me. 100% of my life is up to me, and so many different things work for different people. I have to be self-aware and decide on what I want in for myself, then go after it.

Discipline is the #1 priority I want to incorporate into all aspects of my life right now. I'm not pro at it yet, but it's inevitably too important to disregard at this point if I want to get to where I want to be in the short-term and long-term. Here's to trying, haha.

If you're in college or finishing up, know that everything will work out. Seriously, time doesn't just heal pain/scars, it also broadens horizons and pulls away from the intensity of fear of the unknown. Stress less, and enjoy the process (as Peter says to the girls in the Bachelor). Just like when we all freaked out about college when we were high school minions, the same goes for adulthood. More might be on the line now, but we're also more capable than we were 4+ years ago. Or I'd at least hope so! 

'Till next time, 
Shan

My Stop-Doing List

Hey there,

I really wish I had 20/20 vision. Hindsight 20/20. Roarin' 20s Part 2. Haha jk, sorry I had to.

Of course, a typical end-of-the-year post to start off the new year "right." Could I be more predictable? It's cliche to create resolutions for the new year, and some may argue it's overrated. I agree to a certain extent, but I also can't help it but reflect on the year ending and take note of actionable items I want to hopefully accomplish in the new year. Especially for the start of a new decade.

I am a fan of documenting and connecting with others, and that is a big part of why I even periodically blog or stay active on my socials. I also use it to hold myself accountable, and for self-reflection and... of course, to entertain my nostalgic moments. I have big plans for the new year, and I figured I'd just mark 'em here so we can all see how close I reach my goals. Share yours with me if you're willing, I'd love some peer motivation. Seriously, I need all the help I can get.

I read somewhere that a "stop doing" list is arguably more effective than a to-do list in isolation, so here's my stop-doing list for the new year.

1. Stop consuming unnecessary sugars (pop, candy, etc.) // No more candy, and limit pop to once a week or only as chaser
2. Avoid impulse purchases // Let it sit for 24 hours before purchasing, and actually make returns for items you didn't want 

3. Stop dwelling or overthinking when you can't control results // Get over it!! When it's unproductive. Set a time limit of how long you're going to let it affect you

4. Stop under-utilizing your gym membership // Gym minimum 4 times a week, every week
5. Stop making excuses to not cook // Only eat out max 2 times a week (meal prep)

5. Stop staying up past 10:45 on weekdays // Just do it. 

6. Stop leaving my "Future Reads" list long and untouched // One book a month 
7. Stop being lax about monthly finance check-ins // Just do it. Find ways to continue reducing expenses, and find a way to make an allowance income 
8. Stop being afraid of your own dreams and "big" goals // bullet journal, consistent blogging/video documenting
9. Don't compromise your own happiness to appease others // Stand up for your own mental health, self-care basics
10. Stop misusing tension, inconsistencies, and stress to create obstacles for yourself to avoid more important issues // Be aware of old patterns/habits, & don't allow yourself to go back to toxic but comfortable cycles

I love planners, playing around with fonts/typography, journaling, and I am looking for a new hobby.. So I will be attempting to start a bullet journal this new year, with these 10 things as core principles to "live" by in 2020. I'll keep you updated on how things go! Hit me up with any tips at all, or inspiration.

Happy happy new year. Do some good this year. Stop fretting about the petty shit, be nice to others. Forgive when you can, and keep working on being the most authentic version you can be.

Love ya,
Shan

Putting it in Perspective

Hey, there. Props to you for actually clicking on my self-promo link on Insta or Snapchat (it's @shannonylee, by the way. Hahahaa). I hope you enjoyed the kick-off to this holiday season! I was lucky enough to spend an entire EIGHT days back home in Northern California, where it rained five of the days I was present. And no, I do not hold any responsibility for bringing the "cold, Chicago" weather over there. Nice try. Although I low-key did miss Chicago a little. This was my first break since I started adult-working, so it felt bizarre not going back to Champaign to squad up with my buddies in preparation for finals.

What did I do this break? No one asked. But I'll tell you anyway. I had wayyyy too much boba and ramen. The options here are endless. My friends know how much I love it, so grabbing tea or coffee is usually a top suggestion every hangout. I just can't resist.

I've had one of the best times back in the Bay this time around. I'm really appreciative of the circle of friends I have here. Even though I chose to be in the Midwest to experience more of a different environment and be independent, it's been nice catching up and looking back on our growth over the years and also sharing our current lives in different cities. It's inspiring to me to hear what other people are up to, and it motivates me to keep my own shit together. My sister started college an hour away from home, so I was able to watch the Cal vs Standford football game with her and I also paid a visit to her campus. We're able to relate on a lot more topics now that she's going through the undergrad experience, beyond topics of ice skating and family activities. I think it's been one of the most positive changes I've noticed in my life thus far.

Speaking of change, I've collected a few dusty drafts for this blog now because I haven't been feeling really inspired to write or edit. I feel myself having spurts of inspiration because there's been a decent amount of change in my life and my mindset and I want to update on it, but it's been challenging articulating everything in words. Honestly, I also feel like this blog catches me at my sappier and emotional moments, even if it's obviously not all-encompassing of my thoughts. I enjoy expressing myself (even oversharing sometimes) on this platform because it's a relaxed, low-pressure avenue to project my inner thoughts onto something tangible. It can be challenging and uncomfortable being vulnerable, but it's always a good exercise to let go of self-judgment and fear for what others think. Content sharing and social media isn't everyone's thing, but it's always been an outlet for me to relate to others and I've noticed how it initiates conversations that may have been harder to transition during casual conversation.

I decided to type something up from this week so at least the time spent thinking about all this didn't go to waste. Specifically, the culmination of events that flooded the news this year. As 2019 soon comes to an end, I figured it was appropriate to utilize some of these thoughts as a leading point in the next year in terms of what I want to work on. We all know about the innocent lives lost through mass shootings/gun violence, and a lot of us have been impacted by the most recent passing of a UIC student during Thanksgiving week. I usually try not to ruminate too long on these topics because I know I can't change what happened. I personally didn't know Ruth George, but I feel deep frustration, hopelessness, and anger. I can't even begin to fathom the numbness of her loved ones through this loss. With all of the violence in this world, tension overseas, and the increase of serious climate issues.. it is overwhelming to grasp the profound issues occurring all around the globe.

I've also clocked a few hours watching competition tv series like World of Dance and SYTCD. It might not seem relevant at all that I just brought up, but there were numerous stories highlighting inspiring stories about the adversities contestants faced. They still find the will to live their dreams, pursue their passions, and touch people with their hard work & talent.

Now relating this back to my personal journey. My main question from all of that is.. What the FUCK am I doing to really get to where I want? I know it's always a work in progress, and I can still be happy with where I am now. But I also know I am lazy, moody, and emotional half the time. I get easily distracted and sleepy, then wake up the next day wishing I had done more.

I digress. Anyway, the point is, shit happens. Life can be bumpy sometimes. But as previously mentioned, life isn't about comparing pain and hardships. Despite all that, even with everything going on in the world today, people conquer their own personal demons every day to get shit done. I have a few comments for myself, and for anyone who finds this relatable. Either way, this is here to hold myself accountable.

Let go of the trivial shit. Gossip, petty shit, moodiness can add texture in life, and it can sometimes be addicting. We all have moments we need to vent or complain, but it's too prevalent in our lives. Even when we all know how immature it is, it still happens. I don't think people even realize when they're doing it, but it becomes a bonding activity when people don't know what to talk about. Usually, there are underlying causes that aren't fixed and won't be fixed if all we do is pick at the rotting band-aid. It is totally valid to express thoughts and stand up for yourself in certain situations, but there's definitely a line not to cross. I personally don't want to too much of my limited time on other people's problems. I have too many of my own.

Secondly, if you have dreams or ideas itching in the back of your mind for you to try, just PURSUE them. There are a million excuses you could use, and yes, it can be daunting. But you will never know how it feels until you are crossing that bridge, and simplifying the goal from A to B may help to eliminate the excuses that are there for no reason. I have a lot of goals I want to make in terms of learning new skillsets (coding, video, fitness/health) that I've been mumbling to myself in my sleep on how I want to start it. How many real steps have I taken to achieve them? Point five. Do I have anything life-threatening things hindering me from it? No. So I really who to blame except for my own, damn self. That SO needs to change. New Years' resolution inspiration? Who knows.

Okay, those are the two main things I've thought about for now. It's getting late. Have a good week, happy Hump Day.

See ya,
Shan

[Struggle Bus]...

Yo, what's up! 

It's a beautiful Friday today and I'm thriving. Just kidding, I'm cold and I honestly had one of the busiest weeks at work so far. Work has been rewarding overall because I'm learning a lot, but I feel the exhaustion kick in the moment I get home. Regardless, when I spend time thinking about the personal projects I want to build (including this blog), it helps me stay energized and I can keep chugging along, even if that means I have bags under my eyes.

A few weeks ago, I asked for inspiration for my next post. One suggestion (thank you) asked about the hardest things I went through at UIUC and how I pushed myself to get through those situations. Especially since I just got back from a weekend in Champaign for Homecoming (an unbelievable weekend, by the way), I already have been in a reflective headspace about college days and pre-adulting life. 

I'm not going to lie, my college years were one of the best years of my life but I also had my biggest L's during that time. Toxic habits, friendships, and mindsets made it difficult for me to even get out of bed or eat some days. I know a lot of people have gone through similar feelings and situations, but I want to emphasize right off the bat that every individual experience and perception is unique. I am sharing personal anecdotes, and I hope that this is relatable for some. If not, I hope it introduces a different lens and a safe space to talk about these things with others. 

A little more background on me.. to help set the scene:

• Originally from: San Jose, California

I grew up in the bubble of Silicon Valley, and I honestly really wanted to get out of that environment just to see what was else was out there. I felt lost in high school, and that made it difficult for me to discover my true interests and set my sights on career paths and/or priorities that differed from other people. I knew that I needed to learn independence and grow to not react with resentment to people, situations, and environments that I felt were hurtful to me. 

• Majors: Organizational Psychology & Communications (I started with just Communications) 

In high school, I enjoyed humanities-based classes and I already took an interest in psychology, the science behind human interactions, and expression in the form of words(writing/blogging/reading). I had no clue what I wanted out of the degree. I considered teaching, human resources, non-profit work, and social media marketing. 

• Extra-curriculars: Alpha Phi Omega Service Fraternity (2 years, Fall 2016 pledge), IllinoiSkating Club Synchronized Skating (4 years, 8-10 hours commitment/wk), Vocational Interest Psychology Research Assistant (2 years)

I figure-skated most of my life, and I was looking to continue it through college. Ice skating was (and still is) a huge part of my identity. The consistency this sport gave me was something I leaned on when I encountered hardships or inconsistencies in other facets of my life. In general, I believe training develops discipline, grit, and work ethic that goes beyond the athletics. As for research and community service, I like to diversify my experiences and meet individuals who have the same interest in helping others and diving deeper in certain subjects. 

I came to Illinois intending to expand my horizons, meet people with varying backgrounds, and I also heard the Midwest winters really toughen people up... hahaa. My experience in this college town was hugely impactful in shaping me and will continue to shape me through the years to come. 

One of the most difficult barriers I encountered through U of I was finding the value in my education, especially when I felt like my mental health was hindering me from reaching "my full potential" and being who I wanted to be. My parents were funding my higher education and had hopes for me to succeed. But at the end of the day, what was I actually taking out of it? What would I even do with my major or my class knowledge of "Organizational Communication"? I believed in my intelligence and eagerness to learn, but I was always paralyzed by discussing grades, challenging courses, career goals, and money-making priorities. Growing up, there was an unhealthy (in my opinion) emphasis on involvement mainly for benefiting resumes, completing projects for visibility and validation, and networking for promotional and leadership titles (for resume-building purposes). 

And look, there's nothing wrong with that. I now understand the importance of success and the drive to take the necessary steps to achieve it. I just was so lost in myself that I became fearful of taking those measures from an insincere standpoint. It wasn't them, it was me. 

What did I do to address my panic? I made use of my extraverted traits and overexerted myself in social settings (I still sometimes do that but with a better balance) to find genuine relationships that would distract me from my insecurities and the shame that was boiling up internally. I averaged 3-4.5 hours of sleep a night because of my morning skate practices, I said "yes" to every social event possible, and I chose to ignore the red flags or warnings in my head. You know how people say "I can be in a room full of people but still feel lonely?" That's exactly how I felt. Except I was so sidetracked most of the time I didn't even register that emotion. I was always getting boba, texting dozens of people, or getting wrapped up in unnecessary drama. 

During my sophomore year and parts of junior year, I skipped more class than I ever did. I dropped classes and switched classes numerous times to find a way to get through each semester, while not wanting to take away any of my commitments (skating, friends, work, school, and volunteering). I felt like I was constantly drowning. I'd make mistakes and put in effort to continuously patch things up. It was exhausting. I hated myself and wanted to get my life together so badly, but always found an excuse to push it aside. Push my own health aside. I felt motivation in 2-3 day spurts when I would feel like something clicked inside of me. Then I'd go back to my same damn habits. Repeat. 

Then one day, I woke up and fixed everything. I'm happy now!!! 

.. Just kidding. I am still far from "fixing" everything, and I don't know if I ever will. Which is okay. I also realized I was doing a whole lot of complaining, self-sabotaging, and very little action was taken to even try and see if different solutions would work for my problems. I tried out therapy (which honestly didn't work for me on campus). I put full-focus into job-hunting and loved how driven it made me feel (yes, the stress of career-hunting was probably the best semester of my college career). I worked out consistently and found companions to hold me accountable. I let go of relationships that were either dragging me down or where I was hurting them, too. 

Now that I recently graduated, I think it was a suitable time to "re-start." Whenever I notice patterns and habits that sap the happiness out of my life, I weed them out. Logical thinking during the toughest times also really helps center my thought process. I think the biggest lesson learned through my challenges in college was to keep taking it day-by-day. Some days, my insecurities and doubts flood my brain the second I wake up. Because I have a set routine to go to work (yay corporate jobs), it's honestly been a blessing. Once I complete the smallest task, it slowly builds momentum throughout the day to accomplish more. Self-reflection and awareness help me identify the true root causes of my problems. Even if I can't be Bob-the-Builder every day ('cause I'm still a piece of shit), at least I feel gratification in identifying the problem.

Wow, those were a lot of words to explain my little story. Regardless, know that WHATEVER you're going through, even if there are individuals who haven't lived through exactly what you have, there are humans who have felt similar emotions. Validate yourself. Suck it up when you need to suck it up and sulk once in a while if it's just too much. Allow yourself to vent. 

I wrote a post on getting through rough times and the perspective I took in high school which is still applicable for me today. Check it out if you want. With all of that, have a good weekend. Go kill it at work, in school, and in life. And then meet me at the clubs on Saturday LOL. 

See ya,

Shannon Lee (I just noticed I didn't put Shan like I used to. Too many emails sent out for work lately, haha)